And I'm back here again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by justsomegirl, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    I've been on and off of this site for years. I haven't been on in months because things were good. I was feeling stable, meds working, practicing all the extra stuff - meditation, sleep hygiene, etc. Everything seemed in place and heading in the right direction.

    Three weeks ago things just started crashing. I've had a lot happen in these three weeks. BF of two years very meanly broke things off out of nowhere, I lost my best friend to drugs and bad relationships (she didn't die, but she's so hooked she's not even herself anymore). I started a new job, which I'm good at, but the socialization is hard. I put a deposit on an apartment for a new living situation and I'm supposed to move the 17th, but I don't really even care about that anymore.

    The last week I've had horrible nightmares, woken up panicking. Called in sick to work a bunch of times, and I'm really on thin ice with them (even with a doctor's note). My heart is broken, I feel useless and lonely. But the biggest thing is I just. stopped. caring. I don't care about work, or paying my bills, or getting my new place, or healing from the breakup and finding love. I don't believe in love or friendships anymore. I had the sudden realization last night that honest to God, the only person that will ever love you, the only person that will ever always have your back, is yourself. And myself gives up. So what do I do now?

    I'm sick of talking to my psychiatrist, trying new meds, trying to buck up and get through to a better time. Because I've been trying that for weeks and it doesn't seem to make a difference. I see now why addicts are the way they are and I think, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to lose my life in a drugged out haze.

    Mostly I think about how I wish a car would hit me, or something like that, because then I could die but it wouldn't be suicide. About how then I wouldn't have to feel these things, deal with the fact that things never quite get better, than love - it doesn't really exist. That my heart is so broken from everything that I felt a shift when it happened and I know it will never fully heal.

    I just don't know what to do. I'm apathetic but also scared and lonely. I'm so close to just ending everything, but not 100% ready to do it yet.

    I guess I was just hoping someone would have the patience to read this whole thing and I could find someone to talk to. Because I really need a friend.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hugs. That sounds like a lot of rough changes. Maybe give it some time.
  3. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Thank you for joining us here at SF. I personally look forward to hearing about you and what has brought you to this corner of the web. I invite you to read my personal story below in green and just know you are not the only in pain. You are not the only one suffering. Everyone here is fighting their own battles. While you are here, you are safe. No one will harass you or insult you in any manner. That BS is not tolerated here. I hate to hear that you are suicidal. You must have a lot of stuff going on in your life for you to feel this way. Do you know why we feel suicidal? (I am suicidal too, btw) If you don't know would you like for me to explain it to you? I want you to promise me that if you ever feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself, you will take yourself to the nearest ER, and get the help you need. There is no shame in getting help.

    I would personally love to hear more about you. What are your dreams? What do you want out of life? What issues do you think , you need help with? How can we help you get into a better place?

    Feel free to PM/IM me anytime if you just want to chat or want to talk about something in a private manner.

    Take Care
  4. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    Life's a real blood thirsty bitch sometimes...accept it and move on.
    OCDNihilism likes this.
  5. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Honestly, that's not very helpful. I was hoping for a little more compassion from the people on this site.
  6. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    Everyone's different...I mean will me typing "Hugs"make you feel better?I was just being real with you.If you loved the guy it's going to take some time to get over..
  7. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    I'm a miserable hump sometimes too...I know how you feel.But I never seen a psych or have taken "meds".I know I make myself feel bad it's all in my mind.BUT I also can step back though,and realize that life is amazing, if you let it be.
  8. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    I think you are more delusional/bonkers If you don't get depressed sometimes.
  9. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond. I really appreciate feeling heard and supported.