I've been on and off of this site for years. I haven't been on in months because things were good. I was feeling stable, meds working, practicing all the extra stuff - meditation, sleep hygiene, etc. Everything seemed in place and heading in the right direction. Three weeks ago things just started crashing. I've had a lot happen in these three weeks. BF of two years very meanly broke things off out of nowhere, I lost my best friend to drugs and bad relationships (she didn't die, but she's so hooked she's not even herself anymore). I started a new job, which I'm good at, but the socialization is hard. I put a deposit on an apartment for a new living situation and I'm supposed to move the 17th, but I don't really even care about that anymore. The last week I've had horrible nightmares, woken up panicking. Called in sick to work a bunch of times, and I'm really on thin ice with them (even with a doctor's note). My heart is broken, I feel useless and lonely. But the biggest thing is I just. stopped. caring. I don't care about work, or paying my bills, or getting my new place, or healing from the breakup and finding love. I don't believe in love or friendships anymore. I had the sudden realization last night that honest to God, the only person that will ever love you, the only person that will ever always have your back, is yourself. And myself gives up. So what do I do now? I'm sick of talking to my psychiatrist, trying new meds, trying to buck up and get through to a better time. Because I've been trying that for weeks and it doesn't seem to make a difference. I see now why addicts are the way they are and I think, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to lose my life in a drugged out haze. Mostly I think about how I wish a car would hit me, or something like that, because then I could die but it wouldn't be suicide. About how then I wouldn't have to feel these things, deal with the fact that things never quite get better, than love - it doesn't really exist. That my heart is so broken from everything that I felt a shift when it happened and I know it will never fully heal. I just don't know what to do. I'm apathetic but also scared and lonely. I'm so close to just ending everything, but not 100% ready to do it yet. I guess I was just hoping someone would have the patience to read this whole thing and I could find someone to talk to. Because I really need a friend.