I wrote here on the day I joined this forum with the intent of taking my own life but never submitted my post because after I was done writing, I felt that there could be another way out of this situation. However, a little less than a month later and here I am, back to where I've been for quite some time. The coldness, hopelessness, sadness, darkness and indifference have once again cornered me into the suicidal zone. And I am not sure why I'm posting here. Probably there is a part of me that still doesn't want to die. I am a high-school teacher. I teach biology, chemistry and physics. I teach all three subjects because since I am a nerd and a geek, I demonstrated the ability to comfortably teach all of them. I got into teaching not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I got into science in the hopes of becoming a scientist. However, my path to that goal came off short when financial burdens struck my family and because the integrity of my family was falling apart. I joined uni at a relatively young age and I graduated relatively younger too. So when I saw the difficulties surrounding my family, I thought what da heck, I'm still young, I can pause my dream for a little while, find a job, make some money, help my family and then I can join grad school later on. Little did I know that this seemingly simple plan is going to actually be a life changer. During the day, I am at school teaching. I am good at what I do because I love the subjects I teach and because I am an introverted person. When school is over, I get back home and I work on my lesson plans for the following weeks or when these are already set and done like in most cases, I prepare my lesson plans for the next month. My free time is all about working and searching more for better means to educate students. I do not enjoy going out with people, I do not enjoy talking to them either, I don't have friends, I don't have a girlfriend. I am simply an introverted person. Inside the classroom, I apply my well prepared lesson plans in engaging ways that even the indifferent students noticeably get hooked to the lesson. My young age that the students are always able to recognize also adds to my success in class. Lo and behold, it should not be a surprise that I stand out among the other teachers who are married and have kids. The students can tell the difference in the output of every teacher and so I get to hear a lot of times from many of them how my lessons have positively impacted their lives. My boss realizes my introversion and likes it because he also appreciates how it made the whole difference in my career possible. I've been offered to take over higher positions but declined them all because I know that they will require a certain amount of social interaction that I simply can't impart. Outside of work, I drive my little siblings from their school. Sometimes we have lunch together. My father is a paranoid schizophrenic person (so was my aunt) who is unable to raise my little siblings. Recently, he lost his job because his disease consumed his life and nothing, including meds, seems to make him more awake. My mother is a victim of marrying my father. She was mistreated by him during her entire marriage and ultimately became so depressed that she too cannot function normally let alone taking care of her kids. When I get back from work, he would be asleep and she would be barely awake watching TV. My siblings are too young to take care of themselves and so I've made that my second job. Other than teaching and raising my young siblings, I have really nothing else to do in this life. I don't go out, I don't know anybody, nobody cares about me, I do not matter to someone (other than my siblings who only need my services), nobody loves me, I'm very lonely, I get scared sometimes but there is no one I can talk to because no one genuinely cares. I cannot change that by going out and trying to make friends because my retarded social skills are not things that I can work on. They're an essential part of who I am. Another thing worth mentioning is my philosophical view on our existence. During my uni days, I've always been interested in philosophy so I took it as a hobby. Among the many philosophical views I got to know, pessimism was particularly one that paralleled my personal take on our existence. Put simply, pessimism argues that human existence is ironic, futile and absurd. It is then when suicide started to seem less of a strange thought to me or I should say it is then when suicide became part of the possible things I may one day do. So I've been teaching and living this way for four years now. Today I'm 24 years old. My lifestyle reinforces my philosophical views everyday, and everyday life doesn't get easier for me. Things never looked to be going to be OK. Furthermore, an event recently took place in my life that made things unbearably worse just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse. Two years ago, I started teaching a girl in one of my classes. She was smart, attractive, incredibly sweet and mature. I always heard my colleagues praising her and she was a center of attraction. The girl was one of the students to recognize my output and so she registered for more classes with me and always thanked me for my efforts. She also asked for extra hours. I offered her to come and see me during my free hours because honestly, I'd rather spend my time teaching science than babbling with the other teachers about irrelevant stuff. But at the same time, I was always cautious. When we are alone in class, I make sure the door is wide opened and that we're sitting right where everyone passing by can see us. Not trying to insinuate that either of the two of us had any intentions outside of teaching and learning, but it is about keeping things look as professional as possible. Mind you that up to that stage, I had absolutely no special feelings for the girl even though I was young. However, about a month ago, the girl was struggling with some unfortunate circumstances in her family. She was really trying so hard to hide them but it became obvious day after day that something wasn't right. She eventually walked up to me and asked me if she can talk to me about something outside the scope of our lesson, which was something that never happened before. I agreed because it is part of my job to offer help when students need it. She sat with me for more than an hour and she told me about her problems. In return, I promised the girl to do my best to help her and I also offered her to come and keep me posted to how things will progress. She agreed and so she started coming over everyday and we would talk for half an hour everyday. And I wish that never happened. As she continued to reveal her personal life to me everyday, I started to know her more day after day. I started to develop a certain curiosity about her, I became more interested in listening to her talking about her problems and how she's been dealing with them. I knew that I was growing feelings for her. At the beginning I thought it was just an innocent and unavoidable crush that I can shrug off easily. But then she sometimes asked about how I would deal with her situation and after I respond she tells me that I am a kind person and that she admires my patience. For the first time in my life, someone genuinely admits to seeing something good in me. Not surprisingly, that made me more attached to her. But when school was over, I felt there is a void in my life, I missed her a lot. For the first time ever I missed doing something. There was always this part of me waiting for her to somehow reappear in my life. I checked my e-mail 100 times everyday in the hopes to hear anything from her. There are times when I profusely thought of a valid reason to call her just to hear her voice. To make things even worse is that the girl graduated and she's going to study abroad. The thought of not seeing her or talking to her ever again drove me insane. For a long time, I convincingly believed that my life was pointless, absurd like I said before. And then this girl walks into my life and shows me that there is a reason to live for. But she is the reason and she won't be here again. I want her. I know that I will be finally happy if we were together. I know that I would have a purpose to live if I spend the rest of my life with her. I know that I wouldn't have to contemplate suicide every minute if I'm with her. But she can't be with me. She's gone and I'm going to be left here alone again. I don't want to be left alone again. I'm scared. I swear I did not want this to happen. I did my best to avoid anything like this from happening but I couldn't. Liking or hating someone is out of my control. I didn't ask for this. I wish I had never offered her help then I wouldn't have to develop those painful feelings. She showed me how lonely, pointless and empty my life was. I don't want to go back to that zone but I know I can't do that on my own. I need her to help me like she previously did. I had those hurtful feelings a month ago on the day I joined this forum but I thought time will help me forget her and that my miserable reality will sooner set in. A month has passed and the same feelings are still consuming my life. I tried to do a lot of things to help me get over this but nothing is working. Knowing that I'm going to have to get back to my pointless existence again is not helping in preventing me from taking my own life.