And I'm Trapped Again

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cold, Jul 8, 2015.

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  1. cold

    cold Member

    I wrote here on the day I joined this forum with the intent of taking my own life but never submitted my post because after I was done writing, I felt that there could be another way out of this situation.

    However, a little less than a month later and here I am, back to where I've been for quite some time. The coldness, hopelessness, sadness, darkness and indifference have once again cornered me into the suicidal zone. And I am not sure why I'm posting here. Probably there is a part of me that still doesn't want to die.

    I am a high-school teacher. I teach biology, chemistry and physics. I teach all three subjects because since I am a nerd and a geek, I demonstrated the ability to comfortably teach all of them.
    I got into teaching not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I got into science in the hopes of becoming a scientist. However, my path to that goal came off short when financial burdens struck my family and because the integrity of my family was falling apart. I joined uni at a relatively young age and I graduated relatively younger too. So when I saw the difficulties surrounding my family, I thought what da heck, I'm still young, I can pause my dream for a little while, find a job, make some money, help my family and then I can join grad school later on. Little did I know that this seemingly simple plan is going to actually be a life changer.

    During the day, I am at school teaching. I am good at what I do because I love the subjects I teach and because I am an introverted person. When school is over, I get back home and I work on my lesson plans for the following weeks or when these are already set and done like in most cases, I prepare my lesson plans for the next month. My free time is all about working and searching more for better means to educate students. I do not enjoy going out with people, I do not enjoy talking to them either, I don't have friends, I don't have a girlfriend. I am simply an introverted person. Inside the classroom, I apply my well prepared lesson plans in engaging ways that even the indifferent students noticeably get hooked to the lesson. My young age that the students are always able to recognize also adds to my success in class. Lo and behold, it should not be a surprise that I stand out among the other teachers who are married and have kids. The students can tell the difference in the output of every teacher and so I get to hear a lot of times from many of them how my lessons have positively impacted their lives. My boss realizes my introversion and likes it because he also appreciates how it made the whole difference in my career possible. I've been offered to take over higher positions but declined them all because I know that they will require a certain amount of social interaction that I simply can't impart.

    Outside of work, I drive my little siblings from their school. Sometimes we have lunch together. My father is a paranoid schizophrenic person (so was my aunt) who is unable to raise my little siblings. Recently, he lost his job because his disease consumed his life and nothing, including meds, seems to make him more awake. My mother is a victim of marrying my father. She was mistreated by him during her entire marriage and ultimately became so depressed that she too cannot function normally let alone taking care of her kids. When I get back from work, he would be asleep and she would be barely awake watching TV. My siblings are too young to take care of themselves and so I've made that my second job. Other than teaching and raising my young siblings, I have really nothing else to do in this life. I don't go out, I don't know anybody, nobody cares about me, I do not matter to someone (other than my siblings who only need my services), nobody loves me, I'm very lonely, I get scared sometimes but there is no one I can talk to because no one genuinely cares. I cannot change that by going out and trying to make friends because my retarded social skills are not things that I can work on. They're an essential part of who I am.

    Another thing worth mentioning is my philosophical view on our existence. During my uni days, I've always been interested in philosophy so I took it as a hobby. Among the many philosophical views I got to know, pessimism was particularly one that paralleled my personal take on our existence. Put simply, pessimism argues that human existence is ironic, futile and absurd. It is then when suicide started to seem less of a strange thought to me or I should say it is then when suicide became part of the possible things I may one day do.

    So I've been teaching and living this way for four years now. Today I'm 24 years old. My lifestyle reinforces my philosophical views everyday, and everyday life doesn't get easier for me. Things never looked to be going to be OK.

    Furthermore, an event recently took place in my life that made things unbearably worse just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse. Two years ago, I started teaching a girl in one of my classes. She was smart, attractive, incredibly sweet and mature. I always heard my colleagues praising her and she was a center of attraction. The girl was one of the students to recognize my output and so she registered for more classes with me and always thanked me for my efforts. She also asked for extra hours. I offered her to come and see me during my free hours because honestly, I'd rather spend my time teaching science than babbling with the other teachers about irrelevant stuff. But at the same time, I was always cautious. When we are alone in class, I make sure the door is wide opened and that we're sitting right where everyone passing by can see us. Not trying to insinuate that either of the two of us had any intentions outside of teaching and learning, but it is about keeping things look as professional as possible. Mind you that up to that stage, I had absolutely no special feelings for the girl even though I was young.

    However, about a month ago, the girl was struggling with some unfortunate circumstances in her family. She was really trying so hard to hide them but it became obvious day after day that something wasn't right. She eventually walked up to me and asked me if she can talk to me about something outside the scope of our lesson, which was something that never happened before. I agreed because it is part of my job to offer help when students need it. She sat with me for more than an hour and she told me about her problems. In return, I promised the girl to do my best to help her and I also offered her to come and keep me posted to how things will progress. She agreed and so she started coming over everyday and we would talk for half an hour everyday. And I wish that never happened. As she continued to reveal her personal life to me everyday, I started to know her more day after day. I started to develop a certain curiosity about her, I became more interested in listening to her talking about her problems and how she's been dealing with them. I knew that I was growing feelings for her. At the beginning I thought it was just an innocent and unavoidable crush that I can shrug off easily. But then she sometimes asked about how I would deal with her situation and after I respond she tells me that I am a kind person and that she admires my patience. For the first time in my life, someone genuinely admits to seeing something good in me. Not surprisingly, that made me more attached to her. But when school was over, I felt there is a void in my life, I missed her a lot. For the first time ever I missed doing something. There was always this part of me waiting for her to somehow reappear in my life. I checked my e-mail 100 times everyday in the hopes to hear anything from her. There are times when I profusely thought of a valid reason to call her just to hear her voice. To make things even worse is that the girl graduated and she's going to study abroad. The thought of not seeing her or talking to her ever again drove me insane. For a long time, I convincingly believed that my life was pointless, absurd like I said before. And then this girl walks into my life and shows me that there is a reason to live for. But she is the reason and she won't be here again. I want her. I know that I will be finally happy if we were together. I know that I would have a purpose to live if I spend the rest of my life with her. I know that I wouldn't have to contemplate suicide every minute if I'm with her. But she can't be with me. She's gone and I'm going to be left here alone again. I don't want to be left alone again. I'm scared. I swear I did not want this to happen. I did my best to avoid anything like this from happening but I couldn't. Liking or hating someone is out of my control. I didn't ask for this. I wish I had never offered her help then I wouldn't have to develop those painful feelings. She showed me how lonely, pointless and empty my life was. I don't want to go back to that zone but I know I can't do that on my own. I need her to help me like she previously did.
    I had those hurtful feelings a month ago on the day I joined this forum but I thought time will help me forget her and that my miserable reality will sooner set in. A month has passed and the same feelings are still consuming my life. I tried to do a lot of things to help me get over this but nothing is working. Knowing that I'm going to have to get back to my pointless existence again is not helping in preventing me from taking my own life.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Get yourself outside of the comfort zone you made for yourself and start to meet new friends then like this girl you are now missing you have should yourself you are able to have feelings for others so go out and make new friends join a club something you are interested in and start over again
  3. lostyorkie

    lostyorkie Member

    This girl showed you that you do have social skills and are capable of developing a friendship with someone. You can do that with another person. It is okay to miss her, there is nothing wrong with that. Eventually try to find ways to meet people with similar interests as you like eclipse said. There are also websites for making friends and dating.
  4. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    You're a teacher. She wanted someone to talk to about her problems. Be professional. You have to try to be impartial. Being professional is hard. You're paid to do it and society gives you a lot of respect.

    I LOVE that you teach science! Science classes always scared me, but deep down I do like to understand how the universe works and always have. Sometimes reigniting that enthusiasm is all I need to let go of fears or hangups. Somehow everything pales in comparison. Maybe you need to find a way to reignite that interest.

    I wish you to find love too. Who doesn't need it? Everybody needs friends too. Just be responsible.

    Note: I know what it's like to have suicide ideation in small amounts. I'm not proud to admit it. Whether it's physical pain or emotional pain or both--when a person is strained--they might entertain the idea of suicide.

    I'm also alone. I haven't worked much. I did go to college for a while. I can respect someone like you, but not myself. When I see someone who's more successful express weakness of this sort, it makes me want to help. Yet I know life is hard and sometimes people are pushed past their limits. Life isn't perfect. Try to do the right thing.

    On the topic of personality... I consider myself introverted, but I think I have extroverted traits too. I love to see all the lights and activities in the city. It's so optimistic. I already have strong optimism in the future of humanity--although I cannot say the same for my own life. But anyway, my real trouble is I don't enjoy to directly interact with people. I enjoy to watch them and listen to them and absorb the energy which surrounds them but I just don't thrive on it directly so well. I guess it makes me a hybrid, maybe leaning more towards introverted.

    Please don't give up. I know you might be right and it might be too much, but it could also be that in a few months or years you'll feel better about your situation. If you die now, you won't have that opportunity.

    Sometimes I wonder if some of my own worries or burdens are just mountains out of mole hills. I can believe that. A lot of it's fear. And fear of losing a sense of control. It's not like my internal radar is always right about incoming threats. In the past I've mostly had good times, but there were some bad times too. Yet the past year or so has been real hard for me. It's one thing to say my radar has been wrong in the past but it's another to say it's wrong when it warns you of an incoming threat. Sure, it could be terribly wrong, but the fear can be so intense.

    I've said too much already so I'll stop now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2015
  5. cold

    cold Member

    Those social skills, I can't demonstrate them anytime anywhere... I only showed those skills because I had to. My job called for them. It's hard to explain to you how it's like but sometimes when I'm at work and I'm having a break, I feel like I just want to hide inside one of the lockers and have my bite there away from teachers and students. If that girl was someone from outside the school (even though this would be an impossible thing because school is the only place I go to), I would never have even cared to speak to her.

    You say it's OK to miss her and that I should find someone else. That's what I wanted to think. But it's been a month and nothing has changed, nothing at all and things don't seem to be going to change anytime soon and knowing that makes my heart hurt a lot. But I (well the reasonable part left of me) know why this is happening. It's because I am an obsessive person. I get obsessed about everything I do. I've always been. When I studied science in uni I was obsessed with the subjects. When I played the guitar I was also obsessed about it to the point where I used to give up my sleeping hours in order to play a certain song and my experience with this girl is not any different. I became obsessed with her. I want her and only her. But what makes this such a difficult experience is the fact that I know that we simply can't be together, but knowing that is one thing and dealing with it is another.

    Thank you for your reply.
  6. cold

    cold Member

    Throughout my four years of teaching, I think I have been absolutely nothing more or less than professional, even when it came to DEALING with this girl. I never hinted to her anything about my feelings for her. I don't think I ever showed any favoritism towards her in spite the fact that many teachers will tell you that showing favoritism towards some students, especially those who show academic interest in the subject, comes with the territory and that girl was on top of the list when it comes to showing interest in my subjects. But I'd like to think that I'm not one of those teachers. Moreover, I did not grow any interest in that girl since on the first day or even during the first year, I unintentionally started to have those feelings during the last few weeks of my final year of teaching her and only when she talked to me about life outside school. Surely this is still part of my job but... I don't know why it happened. In fact, if in any parallel universe that girl came to me and told me that she had feelings for me, I would tell her to go to uni and pursue her studies before jumping to anything else.
    If I make it out alive this summer break, I am considering quitting my job as a teacher for next year because having developed those feelings previously means it's not unrealistic that I could re-develop them again for future students, which makes me feel disgusted with myself.

    I respectfully disagree on that point. Whether you have a degree from an educational institute or not should not necessarily determine how your life will turn up to be like or how much respect you deserve. It's all about doing what you love to do. I have a degree and I work. Everyday I give it all at work partly because there are kids who repeatedly said that they look up to me and that I have positively influenced their lives. That's about them. But what about me? What do I get from all of this other than financial rewards? Am I happy with what I'm doing? No. I may sound selfish but I don't care about what those students want to do with their lives and I care less day after day. But I look like I do and that's because I put a lot of hard work into what I do. Then why do I work hard? I wish I can tell you why with certainty but I think it's because I'm no good at doing anything else or have no interest in doing anything else, so my mind creates this illusion of interest in teaching just to keep myself occupied with something in this life, otherwise, I will soon realize how vain my life really is and since my constitution for suicide is growing with time, I know that my ending is going to be pathetic. Trust me, this is not a way of living. It's all about doing what you love to do and as for me, the only thing I could think of loving right now is that girl. You understand now why it's killing me?

    Even though I disagree with your whole point of view about this particular topic, I will nevertheless ask on what then do you thrive? Do you love someone today in particular? If yes, then I think you could make an amazing partner. You have a selfless characteristic about you and many people await for a life in which their partner would enjoy watching them just living and that is truly an optimistic way of existing, then your partner will appreciate how altruistic you are and will cherish you forever. You will finally feel you matter, acknowledged by someone you love and isn't that what everyone needs as you said?
  7. lostyorkie

    lostyorkie Member

    I just wanted to point out that you reference these other times in your life when you've been obsessed and it seems like they are in the past, so you overcame the obsession. I know that not all situations are the same and I'm not sure how you were able to overcome those ones or what will change in your life that will help you be able to feel better after this, but suicide is really not the answer. It has only been a month? Give yourself some more time. You did lose a friend, you don't have to actively seek friends if you don't want to, if you do there are ways to do so. I hope you feel better and can find your way through this difficult time.
  8. magdalena

    magdalena New Member

    I think I'm in love with you. You're seriously like a romance novel hero. Have you tried contacting her? She's graduated... I think it'd be ok. I'm also a teacher (though elementary level, so I dont expect to fall in love with a 6 year old any time soon), so i know it's unprofessional, but... Maybe you could send her an email. Ask how she is enjoying the place she's studying.
    Growing up with a father who has schizophrenia must have been very hard. My husband's mother has it too, and it was very hard on him. In fact, in some ways you are like my husband, who went on to get his Ph D in mathematics. Dont you see you're more to your siblings than an errand boy? You are your family's anchor. They all rely on you. Even if your siblings dont treat you like a god, what would they do without you? It sounds like you're the person who makes everything ok. No matter what happens with your parents, they know they have you.
    I want you to try online dating. You just need some practice. I'm also introverted, so I keep my interactions with human beings limited. I was home schooled and not allowed to socialize with other children, so when I moved away to college, I was a mess. I forced myself to interact with others, and now I'm pretty good at it. Anyway, the way people meet these days is online. Try asking a few girls out. Women drool over the stuff you're going through. Intelligent guy who has a career and takes care of his siblings, oh and plays guitar!! Heck yes.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2015
  9. cold

    cold Member

    She gave me her contact info and she requested to stay in touch. While I, like you, don't see a reason why a teacher can't stay in touch with a former student, in my case, however, the intentions I hold make the whole situation different. I must ask myself: why am I truly so eager to stay in touch with her? I have to be honest with myself, it is because I have feelings for her and through staying in touch I can create an imaginary world in my head that rests on unrealistic romantic expectations just to help myself escape my vain reality, and I say 'unrealistic' because... Well I don't really know why but I think you pointed to a reason: it's simply a romance novel. Sometimes, I get a little impetuous and feel like I just want to send her an e-mail and tell her what she really means to me. The inadequacies of reality soon set in though and I'm reminded of the role model figure she has of me, a figure that, according to her, had helped her discover a lot of things about herself. While I don't normally bother thinking about what figure people have of me, I think it is not necessary to shatter my image in the head of someone who looks up to me as that can help that person strive towards success and far away from another life like say, the life I live. I have seen and felt how it's like to go through a day without having a thing or a person you hold high in regard and I certainly do not wish that feeling for her. If I ever opened up to her about my feelings, all I'll do is ruin this image of me in her head and she'll feel she'd been deceived and betrayed all along by a fraudulent, sick, creepy predator and that can be hard on her. I would never want to hurt her by making such a selfish move. I really want her to perform well in university and have a good life and if keeping myself drowned in those feelings forever without telling her is what it takes on my part to let her have that, so be it.

    I agree on all what you said. They're the reason why I get out of the bed in the morning.

    Thanks for your comment, it was very kind.
  10. kangaroo2

    kangaroo2 Active Member

    Lots of teachers develop romantic feelings for their students. If you Google this topic you will find it is very common. Most teachers probably never act on their feelings, at least until the student is an adult.

    Humans have the ability to adjust. In a year you may still have the attachment to her, but be better-adjusted to dealing with it. In five years you might look back on it as something that used to bother you.

    Why do you think you have no social skills? Being introverted doesn't necessarily mean lacking social skills. You must have had some social skills to become a teacher and work well with students.
  11. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I think we're in a similar predicament. Well, it's more than a predicament; it's life or death. I'm obsessed with a group of YouTubers who live over 1000 miles away, and I'm predominantly obsessed with one of them because I'm attracted to him. I desire to be their friend, and I want said person to be my boyfriend. However, I'm nothing more than a fan whose existence they aren't even aware of. Not to mention the guy I want to be with is probably heterosexual. I mean, he hasn't stated his sexual orientation, but I'd have to assume he's heterosexual. I just feel like I can't love anyone but him. He's just so awesome. It hurts me immensely every second that I'm worlds apart from him and his friends. All in all, my desires are unrealistic, and I'm indifferent to having a life. I have no real reason to not commit suicide, other than that people will suffer, and that I won't be able to watch my favorite YouTubers anymore. Anyway, it hurts to know that you're suffering, especially in this way because I know how it feels. You're welcome to talk to me if and whenever you'd like.
  12. cold

    cold Member

    I knew that beforehand and all I had for this whole phenomenon was ridicule, given my pessimistic view on existence, which now in retrospect, makes me pity myself, or my old self.

    A valid point. However, the reason why I don't feel I possess social skills stems from how I define social skills. If social skills make a set of minimal features that are indispensable for a successful human-human interaction such as courtesy, politeness, respect, sympathy, honesty, paying heed to the the topic being conversed, then it's fair to say that I have those and hence that I am not socially retarded, otherwise, I wouldn't have been be able to get a hold of my job like you said. Yet, I personally think that all of these aforementioned skills can, at times, fail to show if one doesn't enjoy amalgamating with society in the first place. Now do I like going out and mingling with people? With certainty, I can tell you that I don't. In fact, just passing through a corridor that's busy with students and teachers is a burdensome task for me. But like I said before, I exhaust a tremendous amount of energy to get those minimal skills out there and the only reason I bother doing so is because I realize that they help me keep my job, otherwise, I'm relieved to have my snack inside my car when there is no space to be alone at school. There were times when I eventually wilted and couldn't force myself to exhibit any skill necessary to have a healthy conversation with my colleagues, which led to awkward situations and to sometimes being humorously called a 'sociopath'.
    The only times I felt spontaneous are those last few weeks of school when that student and I used to sit and talk. When I think about those times, I tell myself maybe those times showed me that I am able to love and to enjoy company like you and someone else on this thread implied. But as encouraging as this thought may sound, it hurts to think that maybe it will forever take this girl only to bring happiness again upon my life.

    Sorry for rambling again. I know that will not change anything.

    Thank you for stopping by.
  13. kangaroo2

    kangaroo2 Active Member

    You have what must be a good-paying job. Perhaps some of these things you could work on with the help of a psychologist or other professional. There is no shame in asking for help.
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