...And it all goes wrong again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tendenCs_89, Feb 9, 2009.

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  1. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    The last couple of months, since new years i guess, I have been feeling pretty good
    I decided to stop doing therapy, because I was feeling better and running out of things to talk about. I was making new friends, I was dealing with my anxiety well, and had strong goals and motivations
    Suddenly its all seemed to fall apart. Theres not really one thing that has made it do so, its just many small things and the frustration that im not really changing however hard i try and think otherwise thats fucking me up.
    Even though Ive hammered it into my head to stop caring what people think about me if all it is is negative, and to be myself and never apologise for it, I dont really feel any happier. I did when i was setting these aims, but even by carrying them out my life is still shit.
    Even though I have a social life and have friends, i constantly feel inferior to them or even worse i feel they are inferior to me and im ashamed of them. (I cant help this, I know its terrible)
    I found out the other day that my few friends all seem to be just as fucked up as I am. I found out that almost all of them are depressed and insecure, just as much as me. Id have thought this would have made me feel better, but for some reason it just made me feel worse. I really have no idea why. Ive been trying to analyse myself to find the reason for it, but I just dont get why this upsets me so much.
    As I write this I am so paranoid that someon I know is going to read this and somehow guess its me. Thats what a wreck I am.
    My insecurity doesnt go. Even when i try and force it away, its always there. I dont know what to do, I guess Ill have to go back to therapy, which depresses me so much, because even though it helps me understand myself, I feel like such a loser there and the thought that Im regressing just kills me, after the progress Ive been making.
    I hate who I am. Almost every week, I meet a new person I want to be. I just see someone and without thinking imagine what it would be like being them. I imagine what they would say in certain situations and mimic them without meaning to. I fantasise about a better life. I fantasise that I have people around me who I can really relate to and understand, people who make me feel important.
    I dont want to commit suicide, the thought scares me, but I cant live like this. I dont know what to do, I just want out
  2. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    I know where you are coming from with the feeling of being inferior to your friends and/or acquaintances... The only advice I can give you is that success always comes first, followed shortly by confidence. You are not going to feel good about yourself and who you are, no matter who your friends are, unless you have things to feel good about. I know you have been going to therapy (which is an important step) and working hard, but if you have not done this already, take some time out of your day and try to figure out (as specifically as possible) what it is about yourself that you hate, and then try to think of some (small) steps you can take to begin changing that part of yourself. It may not seem like a lot of progress at first, but if you can be successful in those small goals and build upon some small successes, there is no reason why you can't become the kind of person you want to be (and in the end, you will probably like what you become a lot more than any of the ppl you fantasized about being). Anxiety as you know is all over-analysis and useless paranoia... I have been where you are right now and while by no means do I have my anxiety under control, like you I'm trying my best to rein it in. We can work together to get through it, PM me if you ever want to chat or vent
  3. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    Thanks diafwcc
    i just realised we both first to respond to each others threads :)
    Yeah Ill take you up on the PM offer if I feel much worse
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey tendencies,
    I think you are right about going back to therapy. It's nothing to be ashamed about. It sounds like you still need to work on feeling intimant with your self. You have to love your self before you can find others who will care about you..I think you have made considerable progress to be able to get back out there and try to get your life back in order. That is something to be proud of!!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
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