I feel weird tonight. I've slept 20 hours thanks to a Seroquel tablet... and since then I managed a trip to the store because I needed bread for the next days... I am not exactly sad... I am just numb and flat... I am trying not to fall further, I am trying to distract myself... But I get these suicidal thoughts in my head... how easy it would be to do this and that... and it doesn't seem like I worry about the consequences. I have been listening to Prince all night, while visiting my mum this weekend I found my old CD's in her attics... and there's this line in a song that goes "Life is just a party, and parties aren't meant to last"... I felt like I was agreeing... My logic brain wants me to live, I want to fight. I want to be here for the future when my boyfriend can move here and we can build all the things I never had... I just worry myself... I have two sides of my brain... and like I explained to my therapist it's a near constant battle between the two... There's the logic grown up one, who is trying to get better, and do all the right things... And there's the purely emotional part, that just wants to scream and throw stuff and hurt my body to get all these horrible emotions out. It's this part that acts first when I'm met with triggers and bad memories... My therapist has instructed me to think of the logic side as a parental figure that needs to hug the emotional side, tell them that they understand and validate these emotions, but try to steer into a safe direction... But yeah... it feels like my logic brain is still sedated.