with the end in mind. And here I thought my life couldn't get any worse. - Currently jobless, broke, depressed, living alone; but the last week has been the best and worst in my life. Feels like there's no way out now. Around 6 months ago I met a girl in an online MMO which who was surprising similar to me. We've talk and hung out everyday, staying up all night just being together. And several weeks ago we finally told each other how we felt. Needless to say that we both think we were meant for each other because we get along so well. It was like finding your soul mate, I don't think words could describe the feeling well enough. It was like my dreams came true. She has a busy schedule though with school and work; plus she lived a few states away but she had spring break coming up and decided to come visit me for a week. On the first day I managed to get us in a wreck on the way from the airport ( >< great first impression!) but everyone was OK and no one was harmed. But I wouldn't feel half as bad if it was my car in the wreck, but I was driving my sisters car that day. And now I'm getting the blame for that even though the guy in front of me lost control and I couldn't avoid him. My family seemingly already pissed got even more angry with me over that and it seems that's not going away anytime soon. Plus my sister just hates my guts. It makes me sick when my problems effect other people; I'm awful enough but I don't want it spreading to others. The rest of the week with her went by so well; she didn't run screaming which impressed me. After so much talking online and just to see them in person was a great feeling. Being with her was pretty much all I needed. But then came the worst part close to the end of the week. In a moment of passion we didn't use protection and I fear that she could get pregnant. I felt downright awful, it was tearing me apart that I was so stupid and thoughtless. She was pissed off very badly at first but then we made peace of it and are waiting to see how this all pans out. But I just want to die. To think that I hurt the only person in the world that I care about the most just stabs my heart repeatedly. Literally feels like stabbing. I spent the last day alone in my room crying over this. I have my whole life tried to play the good guy even though I seem to get the worst out of life with no means of a break. And now when I finally get a break with my girlfriend/my dream come true, I just had to find a way to fuck it up. I don't deserve to live with that all I've done in this life but this feels like it tops the list. Like that one last push to pull the trigger. - How can I help if she does get pregnant? I can't really; I'm jobless, broke, too young for this to happen. So damn helpless. I feel I should die for my sins; to finally be released from this hell. Just to let go...it seems so easy yet I can't seem to pull the trigger. But that's the easy way out; I should suffer if it all does go wrong. In a few weeks we should know whether or not she is indeed pregnant. I'll try to live until then. I don't know if I could live with myself if she is pregnant. Sure it would be easy to ignore her online where we met, but it would haunt me forever; and then I'd surely kill myself. I pray to God that she isn't pregnant. Maybe, just maybe we could start over the right way. I get my life back in order with a good job and college and she'll live w/o the pressure of being pregnant. That's what pray happens. My only wish in life. - I just want this to end right. I don't think I can handle it if it does all go wrong. But right now I just want to curl up and die. - I would feel so much better dead. I think I'm just to scared to live with the consequence because I'm so helpless.