And so I begin...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by †MôrßíІ, Mar 25, 2007.

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  1. †MôrßíІ

    †MôrßíІ Active Member

    with the end in mind.

    And here I thought my life couldn't get any worse. - Currently jobless, broke, depressed, living alone; but the last week has been the best and worst in my life. Feels like there's no way out now.

    Around 6 months ago I met a girl in an online MMO which who was surprising similar to me. We've talk and hung out everyday, staying up all night just being together. And several weeks ago we finally told each other how we felt. Needless to say that we both think we were meant for each other because we get along so well. It was like finding your soul mate, I don't think words could describe the feeling well enough. It was like my dreams came true.

    She has a busy schedule though with school and work; plus she lived a few states away but she had spring break coming up and decided to come visit me for a week.

    On the first day I managed to get us in a wreck on the way from the airport ( >< great first impression!) but everyone was OK and no one was harmed. But I wouldn't feel half as bad if it was my car in the wreck, but I was driving my sisters car that day. And now I'm getting the blame for that even though the guy in front of me lost control and I couldn't avoid him. My family seemingly already pissed got even more angry with me over that and it seems that's not going away anytime soon. Plus my sister just hates my guts.

    It makes me sick when my problems effect other people; I'm awful enough but I don't want it spreading to others.

    The rest of the week with her went by so well; she didn't run screaming which impressed me. After so much talking online and just to see them in person was a great feeling. Being with her was pretty much all I needed. But then came the worst part close to the end of the week. In a moment of passion we didn't use protection and I fear that she could get pregnant. I felt downright awful, it was tearing me apart that I was so stupid and thoughtless. She was pissed off very badly at first but then we made peace of it and are waiting to see how this all pans out.

    But I just want to die. To think that I hurt the only person in the world that I care about the most just stabs my heart repeatedly. Literally feels like stabbing. I spent the last day alone in my room crying over this. I have my whole life tried to play the good guy even though I seem to get the worst out of life with no means of a break. And now when I finally get a break with my girlfriend/my dream come true, I just had to find a way to fuck it up.

    I don't deserve to live with that all I've done in this life but this feels like it tops the list. Like that one last push to pull the trigger. - How can I help if she does get pregnant? I can't really; I'm jobless, broke, too young for this to happen. So damn helpless. I feel I should die for my sins; to finally be released from this hell. Just to let go...it seems so easy yet I can't seem to pull the trigger. But that's the easy way out; I should suffer if it all does go wrong.

    In a few weeks we should know whether or not she is indeed pregnant. I'll try to live until then. I don't know if I could live with myself if she is pregnant. Sure it would be easy to ignore her online where we met, but it would haunt me forever; and then I'd surely kill myself. I pray to God that she isn't pregnant. Maybe, just maybe we could start over the right way. I get my life back in order with a good job and college and she'll live w/o the pressure of being pregnant. That's what pray happens. My only wish in life. - I just want this to end right. I don't think I can handle it if it does all go wrong.

    But right now I just want to curl up and die. - I would feel so much better dead. I think I'm just to scared to live with the consequence because I'm so helpless.
     
  2. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I suppose an abortion is not an option is it? This is a life changing event, and for the much worse if the couple weren't ready to have a child, I'm afraid I don't really know what to say, but would killing yourself be the answer? Well of course right now, it will seem like the only answer.

    I know little about the real world and all that, I'll admit that but I feel that if you kill yourself, you'll bring this girl even more pain, especially if she is pregnant and has the child who will grow up without a father. Your family will also be devastated no? I do know that his has to be a really shitty situation to be in, having a baby is such a huge deal and it will may very much wreck your life if your not ready and then you will be miserable and so will the child growing up realizing he/she was an accident.

    I know that there's a lot of couples just like you just like in the situation your in, there must be some place out there that can help you. I suppose your family would kill you if you wind up making this girl pregnant? Damn it all, now I got all gloomy and crap, sorry! Is abortion an option, are you pro-life or choice? I myself am pro-choice and feel that even if life is precious, its better to have to abort this child than to have it come where the both of you weren't prepared to welcome it, and then he/she will be so broken and miserable from being brought up as an accidental birth and everyone will be miserable, I don't think God would want that huh?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2007
  3. †MôrßíІ

    †MôrßíІ Active Member

    Seems my death would only bring even more pain. I can do much it seems dammit. I would be pro-life, but I don't know how she would feel. - I'm kinda too scared to ask.

    I feel so damn helpless and useless.
     
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I know a stance of pro-life or choice is a very personal opinion and possibly deeply religious as well. I know its FAR FAR easier said than done, but even she along with you are pro-life, I'd say you should abort this baby if you can.

    Bringing it into this world will only bring more harm than good in my opinion, just look around you at so many children and now adults that are emotionally scarred for life having been born by accident and abandoned by their parents as just some burden or whatnot. I would never want to wish that upon anyone.

    Now I'm not saying that you would abandon this child and be antagonistic towards it if it were born, it you and she are still very young, my age, and not ready to have a kid. You and the girl may make terrific parents, but this baby unfortuntately will still most likely be a burden on your lives. Sorry for my silly preaching, I just feel that if this girl ends up being pregnant, you would be better off aborting it, I know its a VERY hard decision but it would probably be worth it in the end, but its much easier coming from one who is pro choice rather than pro life.

    Does your family know about this yet?
     
  5. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    The grass is always greener on the other side,

    I met a girl through an mmo as well - played together for a year actually - however our rl meeting was a total failure. Had it been other way around, I could care less about any pregnancy risks (though it wasn't for moments of passion I invited her) - though ofc I 'm not claiming its insignificant, I just feel that the relationship itself overshadows it.

    In other words, I feel if I were you I 'd wait until the result was out, then deal it, whatever it would take - fueled by the bond with the girl.. Then again, like I said grass is always greener on the other side.
     
  6. flclempire

    flclempire Well-Known Member

    wow, u not only met a girl in a mmo but u got together in real life and sexed. that certainly doenst happen often id think. dont worry about it too much, its actually not as ez to get a girl pregnant as the condom ads tell u.
     
  7. †MôrßíІ

    †MôrßíІ Active Member

    I'm already a pain to my family since I'm not as good as my siblings. If I told them they would kill me themselves.
     
  8. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    How are things going now? Care to share any progress?
     
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