and

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Sep 11, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    so here I am again on the roundabout.

    I was doing so much better, I thought.

    Today has been the cherry on top of the cake so to speak. I lost it with my boss a short while ago.

    One thing leads to another and then another and then another and another. Really, really, really need to SH but am trying to avoid that.

    How to avoid these triggers when they are part of my life? Well maybe he'll fire me and that'll be that. If I could leave, I would. Financially, obviously, is not very smart.

    Damn, so frustrated getting like this again. Issues breathing here, feeling spacy and just too bothered. :(

    Missing my rock.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun ya triggers at work dam eh I hope your boss hears you hun and does something positive to change the stress level there hugs
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Your boss deserved what he got, and I know he values you...and yes, it is so difficult to be in the world in such a different way, but I know you are going to make it happen
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both. but....

    Its more than just work, its me. I enable this. Its clearly what I have created so I am the one to blame.

    And its a reminder of all that has been lost-- the person, the plans, the life.

    Trying to drown my thoughts tonight, very smart indeed, but its not working yet. Yes, very smart I am.

    I feel empty, I mean completely empty.
     
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Its not you, the grief is a filter through which you look at the world, but it will fade I think my friend.
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thsnkd windle, but there at too many bud all the ti e.
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I know that it is overwhelming now but will calm down, slowly but surely.
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :hug:
     
  9. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    "And its a reminder of all that has been lost-- the person, the plans, the life."
    "I feel empty, I mean completely empty."

    I could have written those words, to be honest, I still can. I wish I had a solution for grief.:console:
    Two relevant quotes stick with me
    "Love deeply, grieve deeply"
    "Grief is when the person is gone, but the love continues"

    What works for me, may not work for you - sometimes diversion is a good thing, music or a book, but there are still days when when I say "fuck it, grief will run the day anyway" - I don't need to give grief permission to control me, it does anyway, and will.

    Feel empty? I know that one, for me it's like the best part of me has abandoned me. What's left is just a shell.
    And I feel like we've been cheated, the future we planned has been stolen
    I still have a T-shirt on my bed - I was using way too many tissues to cry into, so now I use them only to blow my nose after the tears, but still use a lot.

    I wish I could say "Well, in this many months, you'll feel this way", but I can't. I think the most relevant thing I've heard is " You won't "Get over it", and it won't get "better", but it will get different"

    I try hang onto those different days (or even minutes or hours), when I can remember the joy my wife and I had, rather than only the pain of her loss.

    Sometimes self pride and ego, ( mine) keep me from letting friends know that I'm hurting, the emotions have been cruel, and maybe I just need to hear a kind or calming voice, a reassurance that someone there still cares. Mine build until I hit crisis mode and start thinking destructive thoughts.

    I have more friends here than I knew I had. And you've probably got more than you realize, too
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    these horrible thoughts won't leave my mind. more are coming. its just overwhelming. have tried to distract.

    feel so alone, so anxious, mind is spinning, don't know whow to calm down at all.

    frustrated and over this. things were better. too many dates in a row.

    days n nights like this make me want to be able to have the courage to do something about all of this.
     
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    :arms:
    Wish I could help MO, PM me if you want to talk.
     
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