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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by 1Lefty, Feb 21, 2012.

  1. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    It seems like 4 or 5 times a day, I'll have a few moments of clarity, where most of the grief, and most of the depression is not active. Two weeks ago I had a 5-6 day stretch where my daily mood at 2 on a scale of 10, then each day increased to 5 on a scale of 10, the best I'd felt in almost 2 years.
    I wanted to drive to my psych's office and at least leave him a note, letting him know I was at a high-point - he won't diagnose me as bi-polar, bi-polar II or any variant of because he hasn't seen me in a manic state, only depressive ones. I won't say I felt 'good" but much better, I thought "OK, if this is what's next, I can manage living like this". I disposed of my 1st option suicide kit.
    Then, the next morning I woke up, dropped flat back into the 1 1/2 - 2 range, the place where I hate life, have lost all my interests, have to fake the apprpriate emotion when around people. I've had depression all my life, at 9 years old, I made my first suicide attempt, but was not treated, like if you ignore the incident, it goes away.
    So here I am, my depression entwined with the grief of my wife's death. My last suicide attempt was because I hate this life without my wife, I missed her and wanted to be with her. Then 9 days on the psych ward, only one group session had any relevance for me, that was on crisis management. I had a good visit with a therapist, several good short conversations with a nurse who had actually lost someone really close. The rest came from either a nurse practitioner or a doctor, who tried to convince me they understood - and no, they don't have the first fucking clue. I thought I had actually accomplished something, 500 or so days of wanting to die but resisting the urge. So now I'm back to daily survival but little more. I'm frustrated with having actally been "ok" and then not. Nothing changed, no meds, no food changes. Was it a preview of what life might become, or was it just a frustrating anomaly in the rest of my life, finding a seashell in the desert "Hmm, wonder what this means"Or was it just something to tease and frustrate me?
    Nothing outside myself has changed since my attempt, I still can't imagine how to live without my wife. My sisters did manage to work in a lot of guilt during the "family session" about my influence on my nieces and nephews. Although I think they're more influenced by video games, computer and movies.
    I shouldn't have told my sister about beating my bedroom door, as she's part of my "safety team" I ahd to have before I could leave the psych ward. Seems that battering things with your hands is sometimes considered SI. Any of the people on the "safety team" can go to the courthouse, fill out a form stating they believe I'm a threat to myself or others, and the law will be sent to pick me up for a minimum 96 hour evaluation. So I can't really confide in the people I'm supposed to trust to keep me safe.
    I know I'm jumping all over, but I felt like when my wife passed, my world changed, It used to be that I felt comfort and welcome. The analogy I use is that I;m a refugee now, I can't return to my homeland (my wife), and i'm in this foreign world where I don't feel welcome and I don't understand the people and they certainly don't understand me.. And to be honest, I don't like this world, so I isolate, as little physical interaction with the outside world, And my emotions are closed off, at least until the grief becomes rage, and that requires a painful action to myself - such as beating the door with my fist
    in order to resolve.
    So there it is
  2. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Sean Blackwell has created an outstanding video series on youtube about bipolar....really transformational for me...each one builds on the one before it...Ron
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2012