Anger and Disappointment after attempt

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Des, Apr 1, 2007.

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  1. Des

    Des Member

    I have over the years made many attempts on my life. I think some of the attempts when I was in my teens were reactionary and could possibly have been "attention seeking" to some extent although I didn't feel that way when I was making the attempts.....after each attempt, I would simply carry on as before and not give much thought to what I had tried to do.

    I got older and after years of being quite content, I started having suicidal ideation once again. I got periods where I was depressed and subsequently, this is when I would make an attempt. I was at this point very serious about wanting to end my life and the attempts I made were serious attempts but, each time they failed...... after each unsuccessful attempt, I became very angry at myself for not being able to do it right. I made a few attempts in quick succession but nothing give a few examples, I tried to shoot myself, the gun jammed when I pulled the trigger...... I tried to hang myself, the knot came loose and I was left with a badly sprained ankle and rope burns on my neck........ I overdosed on a few occassions but, as you can see, I am still here.

    For a while after these attempts, I remained very angry at myself and I felt that I was so much of a failure that I could not even make a successful attempt...... to punish myself, I would not "allow" myself to make another attempt no matter how tempted I was and that was really difficult for me to do.

    Last year I attempted again...... I overdosed <Mod Edit: Abacus21-methods>..... she woke up during the evening to find me unconscious and barely breathing. I arrested in the ambulance, they resucitated me.....I arrested again when I got to the ER, they resuscitated me again and I was put on a ventilator for 5 days. When I regained consciousness, I was devastated that I was still around. I got extremely angry at my partner for having found me BUT, I almost HATED her for allowing them to resuscitate me. Although I can understand that she could not leave me, I am still in a way angry at her........ I am also angry at myself because I really do not know what else I can do to make my next attempt successful.

    For the past few months, almost since my last attempt, I have been very determined to end it all but have had to put things on hold for the sake of my family. I lost my dad and my mom lost not only her husband but, her mother and her brother all in a space of 4 months so, I have had to hold on to spare her having to deal with another loss so soon.

    Although I know my life will end before the end of this year, I fear another unsuccessful attempt which will result in me "hating" myself even more than I do.

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 1, 2007
  2. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    i am so sorry that you are in this much pain. after so many attempts, have you been to see a therapist... do you think you would be willing to tell someone what your plans are

    can you post more about whats going on

    ps sorry about the lack of punctuation and what not, but this keyboad is messed up
  3. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member


    Wow! You are quite the survivor! I'm sorry that you're in so much pain right now! Have you ever considered that you really are supposed to be alive and that your unique life has great purpose?

  4. Guy Incognito XI

    Guy Incognito XI Well-Known Member

    I hope i don't end up like you.

    I watch movies and when the guy dies I think lucky sod.

    But maybe you fail because subconciously you don't want to die.
  5. Des

    Des Member

    Thanks for the responses from all of you.

    I have to say Guy that although it may seem like I subconsciously don't want to die, this is very far from the truth. I wake up dreaming and thinking about suicide, I plan things very carefully so that I don't make the same mistakes again..... I do not plan ahead in my life at all because I honestly don't know if I will have another tomorrow or not.

    My reasons for being here are not my own doing at all. I don't know why I fail. I don't know why "God" (for want of a better person to blame) wants to punish me by keeping me here despite all my begging and pleading to be left alone to do what I need to do. I know some people say "when your time is up, you will be successful" and although I can appreciate that, I would hope that in circumstances like mine, where I really want to die, that I could be allowed to do it.

  6. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    I am unsure of what to say, other than I am glad that you found your way here, i think for the most part you are in like company here.. the pains life brings really suck and I find it somewhat helpful to be able to have a resource like this that we can share some of that pain...
    Maybe in some of those instances of unsuccessful attempts I would blame 'god' but for the major one I would blame the humans who brought you back.. but yeah I echo Cheryl, maybe your life has a great purpose, maybe people like us are burdened with this sorrow for some twisted greater purpose, sad thing is I dont think we will ever know what it is..
    And just wanted to tell you that my favorite psychiatrist came from South Africa, but sadly he moved his practice and I am no longer able to see him.. I hope you stick around with us and post more.
  7. eddizle

    eddizle Member

    Des i am in the same boat as you mate, i have everything all planned out about how i am going to die, but what stops me is my mom and how her life would be destroyed if i die. I feel locked in and trapped, i want to die but for my moms sake i cant, so i live through day after day of misery and nonsense
    however i try all i can to feel good though, like watch loads of sport (like super-14 rugby, i love them sharks) and movies and music, i think u should try the same do something that u enjoy. At least u are thinking about what and how ur death will have an effect on your mother and ur family, some people dont think about that
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I feel the same all the time v.v Its been a year and all my attempts have failed. (drowning, hanging, choking, overdosing etc) I get really mad too and now I have no weapons avaliable for me to use :dry: I guess Ill have to find somthing... anyway.. I understand what ur feeling. I somtimes plan my death ahead of time, but usually its a spur of the moment... ugg I was gona actually use real rope after my b-day but my mom found it :dry: Anyways Im talking too much:sad:
  9. Des

    Des Member

    Thanks for all your reponses. I am sorry there are others out there who feel as I do. Not because I think I am the only one with problems but, that there are other's who are as desperate and sad as I am in.
    I know it is a very painful place to function from so, to those who feel like I do, just know that there is someone who truly does understand the disappointment and the anger when an attempt fails.
    Just know that someone does understand how much courage it takes to make an attempt especially if a person is sober when making the attempt. I have onyl ever tried making an attempt when I am sober so that I know I am in the right frame of mind to do it.....(perhaps that has been my problem :smile: )

    Good luck to those of you who are in pain and thanks for taking time to respond to my posts.

  10. b-unit

    b-unit Guest

    Dear Des,

    I am the girlfriend of someone whose suicide attempt failed, and I don't even know where to begin describing the pain I felt when I got the call from my boyfriend's mom. My boyfriend, too, was even more depressed that he was unsuccessful in ending his life- but I think he is starting to see how much he would be missed. Des, if you can't live for yourself right now, live for the other people in your life. I was devastated just by the idea that if I saw my boyfriend again, it would be in a casket- if that were a reality, I don't know if I could function. I'm sure that the people in your life would never recover if you were to die.

    Try talking to a counselor/ therapist, or tell those around you that you need to feel loved. There is absolutely no shame in that, and people will pull through.

    Please, please feel better. I know that I don't fully understand how you're feeling, but I honestly believe that one day, you will want to live. You've just got a lot of crap to wade through first.
  11. Des

    Des Member

    I appreciate your last response. I am sorry you had to go through an attempt with your boyfriend especially since I can understand the anger and disappointment he would have felt when his attempt failed.

    I think most of us who have suicidal tendencies do find some way of holding on for the sake of others.... I personally know that if it wasn't for my partner and my family, I would have made another sooner. Whether they are enough reason for me to not attempt again, I honestly don't think they are but, they have been the reason why I am here today so, I guess my attempts have been unsuccessful for their sakes..... I don't know whether the time was not right on previous attempts and that I have been spared because my loved ones were not at a place to accept my death at that point. I don't know, I have been giving it a lot of thought and this is all I can think of that actually makes some sense to me.

    I would love to say that after a suicide attempt, it is something that you can put behind you and never have to deal with again but, I honestly believe that some people have suicidal ideation and it is something that they will live with until the time they are actually successful in making an attempt on their lives.

    Counselling I believe can actually help when a specific event has led a person to want to end their lives but, if a person (like me) just cannot find enough reason to want to continue life on a daily basis, this is something very difficult to understand and therefore treat.

  12. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    It takes guts to try to end your life. Tell me, is there a good reason to end it, or is it the pain of severe depression?

    I suffer every day from depression and isolation, and I think constantly of ending my life, but I never try. I feel like a coward for not trying.

    However, in my teens, I did make an attempt. I drove in the oncoming lane. Luckily, no cars came. I'm thankful for that.
  13. Des

    Des Member

    Hi Pit

    I personally believe that there are some people (like myself) who just really do not want to live anymore. I think each of us have our own personal reasons for feeling the way we do and although I agree with you, it does does a lot of courage to make an attempt on one's life BUT, that does not make it something that all depressed people should go through.

    While I know depression does help to fuel an attempt, it is not necessarily mean that if you are depressed then you should be contemplating suicide. It is a very difficult thing to be faced with continually as those of us who are suicidal, know that one day we will be driven to make an attempt.....there is a major struggle for me to make it through each day without making an attempt so, I personally would rather prefer to be depressed or emotional than have to force myself NOT to try to end my life.

    My struggle has got worse since I have been ill and there is not much chance of me getting well so, at the end of the day, I will have to end my own suffering and not allow my illness to get the better of me. I need to have control of my own life and this also means my own death.

    If you are not suicidal, be thankful that you are not cursed with having these constant thoughts.

  14. Depressica Suicydal

    Depressica Suicydal Active Member

    Suicide is the ultimate expression of self-hatred, IMHO. :sad:
  15. Des

    Des Member

    I am not sure I agree that suicide is the ultimate expression of self hatred. I personally do not think about whether I like myself or not when I am contemplating an attempt.

    I know that I am desperately unhappy and this is what I want to end. I hate life and all it stands for so, that is my motivating factor. I am not saying that I do like myself but, I don't think this really plays a role in how I view life and my future. I think whether I liked myself or not, this would not change whether I made an attempt or not.

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