Anger and Hatred

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Cortez, Oct 14, 2010.

  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I get really annoyed and agitated easily these days, it could be from the withdrawal of Effexor. I've been acting so crazy lately, not giving a fuck, not caring about what anybody thinks, I hope to myself that I don't have one of my "scenes" at my college. Talking about college one of my professor thinks I am stupid...maybe I am.

    I've been yelling at people I don't know, yelling at managers in stores, yelling at employees, but it felt good, I just wish I would have ran into the manager of the store when I went back to confront him, he would have had so much hell to pay from a maniac like me. I've been provoking people, provoking cars, yelling, screaming, not giving a fuck. I can't really seem to see people as human beings right now, I see them as objects. But the good people, the kind people, the senior people, the people I have respect for, I leave all of them alone. I mostly want or try to harass young people, especially morons and douche bags lol fuck all of them. My mind is not being normal right now, I know it's not. I don't know what’s going on and I am not getting help with anything. I watch disturbing videos of brutal killings and ruthlessness and it desensitizes me. I laugh at death, I get pleasure out of revenge, I just don't stop, I don't give up, it's either me or you, and it's not going to be me. I'm ready for death, I'm ready to go. Leave this world, this sad, lonely world. I don't think I will make it to see 30, I don't think I want to see 30, I just don't give a fuck. I have no friends and I don't care about it, no girl wants me but I couldn't care less at the moment. Times are hard, poverty is inevitable, pain is promised, but yet some people will get all the love they want tonight, some people will have the big tasty meals tonight, some people will get in their brand new cars tomorrow morning, while others get into a car that is breaking down, or they aren't even fortunate enough to have car. There is nothing more that I hate than fortunate kids from the suburbs, materialistic, vain, so worthless.

    I miss my love, I miss the way she made me feel, I miss how I was when I was with her. I felt so innocent, so vulnerable, so caring, so sad, so empathetic…was it all fake? What I felt was real that’s for sure, all I cared about was her, her well being, her pain. All loved her so much I thought I was going to die, in the beginning I felt like my life was hijacked and she was the pilot. She was all I looked forward to, she was my hope. I kissed her scars, I rubbed her soft cheek, I blew bubbles on her stomach.

    Now, am I nothing short of a monster?

    I walk the streets with my head down. I sit and cry. I yell at the top of my lungs. I provoke people. I make aggressive gestures. I challenge people with my life, but no one reciprocates, we are at different levels I guess, I am in hell, and they are living. I may look like a psycho to everyone, but I do I care?...not really. We’re all going to die sometime, so why not express yourself, show the world how I feel inside.

    No friends, no company, no love, you shout as loud as you want, but in this place no one will here you….

    If I were to loose the only thing I have left in my life right now, it would be the end of me, I would kill myself no hesitation. Either that or someone would have to kill me because at that point I would reach insanity.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I truly have felt the way you reported lately, enough so I started taking meds again to try to get the rage under some seems to have taken the bite off and I feel more in really is scary to feel this way...I truly know...please talk to your MD/therapist and see what is going on for you...and yes, withdrawals can be real beasts...see if your MD wants to do something to reduce this reaction.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2010
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    can I ask why you're withdrawing from effexor?
    I was on them and had to come off them to try new ones and I was totally not coping...
    feeling much like you.. anxiety, anger, the lot...I ended up being sent to ER to stop me killing myself after my daughter called the police..
    I'm now on Cymbalta and calm again...also taking a muscle relaxant for the anxiety attacks..
    maybe you should get to your doctor and have him re-assess your meds as soon as possible..
  4. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thank you both for your comments.

    But why did you both ignore everything else I said? It's relevant, more relevant than coming off the antidepressant. I may be "acting out" because of the withdrawal effects but either way I always had these feelings in me, I was just calmer. I've been having these feelings for so many years, and I still felt them while on the anti depressant, the only difference is I was more under control, the drugs definitely helped with the symptoms, but they just masked the real issues. My real issues are everything I mentioned except coming of the drug, the withdrawal just makes me feel ten times worse and makes me act out on these feelings.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hear you justme00 and it sounds like there is grief of losing a loved one in there as well but I'm not sure what happened so I didn't want to comment...

    I think that college professor is unproffessional for what he said and should be reported..don't listen to him he's probably got issues of his own he needs to deal with.

    I don't believe you're a monster for the way you feel's sounds likely the depression/anxiety and grief are making you feel this way....
    back in July I went through all the same feelings of anger that you feel because coming off the antidepressants let the real feelings surface....

    It was getting close to my rage hurting someone or myself and lucky for others I suppose that I decided to hurt myself and no one else got hurt...
    I'm a woman so it's definately not "the appropriate thing" to be so full of rage but my depression and grief overwhelmed me.....
    I believe some of us need meds ongoing and there's nothing wrong with that if it gets us through..I will need them for life..
    if you want to open up a bit more we are here...*hug*
  6. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thanks, I'm glad your meds are helping you out. I am probably going back on different meds, ones that don't give me headaches everyday like Effexor did.

    Thank you for your words, means a lot :hugtackles: