Anger beyond thought

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by anceintsz, Jun 19, 2013.

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  1. anceintsz

    anceintsz Member

    Sometimes I get this way because my stomach starts shutting down from stress and I don't know what the FUCK stresses me out.

    I get insane when I'm in pain like this. I drink and drink and drink to null the pain but it's an unbreakable wall of pain in my stomach and I start getting mad for NO FUCKING REASON. I think about all the times I had to go to the hospital I was so fucking helpless where usually I'm the calmest person ever, my mom gets pissed at me when I'm in pain saying wish I'd never been born fucking spewing acid in my ears and all it does is stress me out more and sometimes I can't help if I just wanna smack the fucking taste out of her god damn mouth to make her shut the fuckup but I can't because that's the worst thing I could ever do to my mom.

    She gets pissed! AT ME! BECAUSE I'M IN PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL I CAN EVER DO IS FUCKING CURL UP AND TRY TO DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!! I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANNA DIE! I START THINKING HOW MUCH A PIECE OF WORTHLESS SHIT-STAIN TO THIS WORLD BECAUSE I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!! I HATE MYSELF!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! <mode edit - methods> I START THINKING ABOUT HOW I FAILED RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING WEIRD AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE MYSELF! I CAN'T CHANGE THE CORE OF WHO I AM!??

    I CAN'T SLEEP WHILE THIS PAIN IS HERE, I CAN'T EAT, I CAN'T EVEN THINK RIGHT I JUST SLAM THE FUCKIN BOTTLE OF VODKA CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY THING I HAVE LEFT! EVERYONE'S EYES JUST LOOK THROUGH ME LIKE THEY KNOW ME! LIKE THEY KNOW I CAN'T DO SHIT! THE DOCTOR THAT WAS IN THE ER ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS DRUG-SEEKING! THAT'S HOW MUCH OF A PIECE OF SHIT I AM!! I AM SHAKING AND TRYING MY BEST NOT TO BREAK MY HAND BY PUCNHING THE WALL! I JUST WANT THIS PAIN TO GO AWAY! I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL! I JUST WANT TO FIT IN! I'M NOT SMART, I'M NOT ATHLETIC, I'M NOT WISE, I'M NOT ANYTHING BUT AVERAGE AND IT DEPRESSES ME SO BAD BECAUSE I CAN'T ASPIRE TO ANYTHING BETTER, I TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND I NEVER SUCCEED!!!

    I just wanna die. I hate this life. I hate this world. I hate that I take 2 steps forward and I'm 5000 steps back at the start. It's like Murphy's law is just waiting for me to succeed so it can break me down even more. I don't know what to do anymore. I swear to GOD I try to be positive. I swear I do but the structures fall with this pain, the only thing I can do is OD on pain pills and pray to God I don't die.

    I want to die, but I don't want to also. I wanna live and be happy. I wanna help people. I can't even helppl myyldssfl ii cnn lkaw even
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Alcohol is a known cause of stomach pain - it strips the natural coatings and lining of stomach and esophagus making the acid issue. Drinking is not going to dull it - it will make it much worse (unless you count passed out and unaware as dulling). I may suggest it also contributes to the anger issues.
     
  3. anceintsz

    anceintsz Member

    No. I had surgeries as a baby. That's why my stomach shuts down, because I have an adhesion on my stomach, out of the blue and the doctors say it's stress. I'm never stressed about anything. Except depression. I can't stop my depression. I don't have anyone to really vent to. Though I am glad I can vent here. I feel better. My stomach still hurts. Not nearly as bad as it can get though.
     
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