anger (cut again)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by consciousinsane, Apr 10, 2007.

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  1. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    It's been a very long time since I last cut. I say very meaning a few months. This past Thursday (5th) I got mad at my wife for some reason. I took it out on myself and cut my leg several times. Two of them kind of deep. Ever since I've felt like I need to hide from everyone. Like I've done something terribly wrong. I have lots of guilt. No one knows I've cut this time except for me. The last rounds of cuts, I had kept my wife informed of them. But the more I cut the more she was threatening on telling my therapist (who doesn't know I cut). So, I don't trust her. I also had a bad manic episode with mixed depression and almost got commited for the 3rd time in my life. Luckly after getting angry with my wife I told her to keep her mouth shut. she doesn't understand you can't just tell every doctor every detail about yourself. I'd get locked up every week if I did that. Someones got to work (even though I just sit and stare at my computer all day). Anyways, back to the cutting of the leg. I'm sitting here paranoid that someone is going to "out" me or is going to take "something" from me. Something being anything, my computer, car, soul, etc. I want to cut again. I don't know if I can though. If I cut again I want it to be deep enough to bleed really good. If I bleed good then I don't have to cry. I feel like crying and I don't want to. God, I'm rambling now. Or at least it seems like it. I just wanted to get it off my chest that I had cut again. Also that I was feeling like I needed to cut again.

    No response is needed, though, a nice heart felt word making me feel loved and not guilty would be nice.

  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Why don't you want to cry? Crying is good, it releases hormones and is our bodies way of healing, try and cry if you can, especially if you want to. Stopping yourself has no productive outcome, it has a very negative one if you hvaing more cuts and feeling more paranoid than you already do.

    Why don't you want to tell your therapist? If you withhold things there is the possibility that therapy won't work as well as it could for you. They are generally used to people self harming, you won't be the first nor last that they have seen that self harms. I can't see why they would section you for being a self harmer, if they did, then LOADS of people would be sectioned.

    You probably feel guilty because you have kept it a secret, maybe not keeping it a secret would ease the guilt. Maybe being honest might help yu move through this. You and your wife, together, could work on distraction techniques. I know you said you don't trust her, but she worries about you and loves you, and sometimes we have to do things that someone doesn't necessarily like, for their own good.

    Hang in there and take care of yourself. Make sure you keep your wounds clean and dressed too.
  3. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    I don't like to cry because I feel like it is wrong for me to. I feel like since I'm an adult, I'm not supposed to, even more so because I'm a guy. I know it's probably just stereotypic fears and illogical, but the feeling is still there.

    It's also deeper than not trusting my wife. I want to, and I really do trust her because I know she wants what's best for me, but, due to being some sort of unproperly diagnosed a-typical bipolar disorder with major depressive disorder, we are having problems. It's like she treats the disorder as me rather than me with a disorder. So, we aren't doing so well as a married couple. But we are trying.

    Above I say, "unproperly diagnosed a-typical bipolar disorder with major depressive disorder" because the doctors have yet to "stabilize" me. Seems like as soon as one mixture of meds is starting to work, I'll go thru another cycle of psychotic behavior and they'll have to change things around again.

    I go to my therapist again on Friday.
    I told my psychiatrist that I cut last month, so it might be in my chart now. He was in a hurry so I don't know if he wrote it down or not. (they are in the same group of associates)

    I like this site. The people here lets you know, your not alone as you feel. You can tell people things and they can't have you commited, nor will they judge you.

    Is it 5:00 EST yet? I'm here at work and am about to go nuts!
    I guess I could try to actually work.:sad: :unsure:
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I was brought up not to cry, it's weak, whatever, but actually, it takes a strong person to show his/her feelings like that. You are right when you say it is stereotypes, but really, if people stop and look, everyone cries, men, women, adults, children, even some animals. There is no shame in crying. But that won't help unless you believe it yourself.

    I'm sorry to hear that. Have you and her thought about some sort of marriage counselling? An illness can have a big impact on a marriage, and it sounds like you feel your identity has been stolen by the illness and you need it back too. Maybe you could try, with your wife, writing down all the things that you are, but not mention the illness, the physical things, like a husband, etc, and other things like caring, intelligent, etc. Maybe it might remind you both about the person behind the illness.

    That's an awful cycle to be in, but keep fighting, the cycle will change and become stable. Are there any triggers for the psychotic episodes? Maybe you could try and chart them and see if there is a trigger, just incase there is and you have not been able to identify it before.

    Well done for telling him that. Could you tell him more this week? Hopefully it should enable them to help you more.

    I'm glad you like the site, I really hope that you find some support and help here.

    The joys of working, hey. I have no idea what the time is EST, but it's 20:54 here, so it might be five to five now.

    Hang in there and keep fighting.
  5. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    chart the triggers huh?
    well, there are none.

    the doctors say it's definently in my head (chemically).

    I had to cut again today too. I got a speeding ticket and I was feeling so bad already (and had just come back from my therapist). I almost cut right there waiting for my ticket to be handed too me. Does wishing, and thinking of ways to kill yourself make you suicidal? I don't think I'd ever do any of them, but I've thought of several ways. And I wish I could do them (but I know they are no real solution, and is a temp. fix to a perm solution), so does that make me suicidal....or just want to die really bad?? Anyways, I can't die so I cut. Does that make it ok? or better? Does it even really fukcing matter? GOD!!!!!!!:mad: :sad: :blink:
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you felt bad and felt the need to cut today. Maybe a way to prevent that particular situation would be to control your speed (stating the obvious) but that will remove any potential problem arising the same again.

    If you have suicide plans and think about it a lot, it is probably sensible to tell your doctor.

    In terms of suicide against cutting? Cutting IS better, obviously than having you dead. But that doesn't make it 'right' per se. You still need to try and develop other techniques to use instead of cutting.

    Also, keep pushing for more help than you are already getting because clearly you need it.

    If you are in the UK maybe hunt for more help yourself, like via MIND, or saneline, and see if there are any support groups, or group therapies or anything around that might help you.

    Hang in there and keep fighting
  7. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that you have been feeling badly lately. You seem to be aware that the "man shouldn't cry" stereotype is just that...a stereotype. Tears are a gift to us. Crying can help stabilize the intensity of emotions your are experiencing. And, you can cry in the privacy of your car, the shower, or wherever you are alone. No one has to see or know. But, CRY. Its is normal, natural and HEALTHY.

    Please do not cut! This is very dangerous to your body, and your emotions. I use to cut! I understand and know what its about. I have permanent scars on my body as a result. This is secondary to your emotional well being. One day, while I was contemplating cutting again. I realized I have a choice! I can choose to cut or I can choose to exercise, run, walk, write, play tennis, or whatever! Cutting was NOT my only option. Please CHOOSE another way to cope in those intense moments. What else could you do when you feel like cutting?

    Yes, wishing and thinking of ways to kill yourself qualifies as being "suicidal". It massively matters what you spend your time thinking about! Wanting to die also qualifies as being "suicidal". This is VERY serious. And is something your Dr./Counselor need to know.

    Give your wife lots of grace. I'm sure she is both scared and concerned about you. Thank God she does care about you! And for sure, unless she has experienced what you are going thru...she wouldn't quite "get it". And, this can be frustrating, I'm sure.

    Your therapist and your psychiatrist would get it. So, please be honest with them about the way you are coping and the thoughts you are having. Sure, its scary. But the alternative is AS scary.

    Now, what about your job? Do you like what you do?

  8. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies.

    I still haven't cried. I still feel like it though. I feel like if I cry I might loose something. like my tears hold value and I can't shed them cause I'll never get them back.

    I guess you could say I'm very suicidal based on what you said Cheryl. Funny though, when my therapist asked me today, "are you suicidal", I said no. I know if I said yes though, he would have tried to have me commited in the hospital. I can't afford to be out of work though. I've already been out a week and have burned about all my days (vacation and sick) already. I hate my job. it kind of restricts me too. it's when I do 80% of my cutting. I can't get out to do another option (run, walk, mow grass, etc). Instead I'm stuck here. Can't leave, chained to a desk. Internet does not help. My mind builds and builds more and more pressure and eventually I just can't help but cut.

    Kind of like right now. I've got over 2 hours before I go home. I'm so stressed and it's all going around my head and the presure is buidling........
  9. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    The good news is that when you cry you lose nothing! Everyone of your tears are bottled up by someone who cares about you more than anyone...your Creator. So, let the tears come and cry until you can't squeeze another tear out. It will be quite refreshing afterwards, and very healthy.

    So, why are you in a job that you HATE and RESTRICTS you?

  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I agree, why are you in a job like that?

    Do you have a passion? Or anything that you love? Maybe you could take a career change and do something you enjoy.

    If someone is suicidal, it does not necessarily mean that they will be admitted to hospital. I know it's a great fear of yours, but maybe you could talk to your therapist about how it doesn't help, and why, and your therapists views on it, and then you might feel more comfortable talking to her about what is REALLY going on. When you keep things back, you are prolonging your recovery because they can't really help unless they know the full story.
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