anger management

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Shagarath, Apr 30, 2016.

  1. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    it started out as a depression, but it took only a few weeks until it was anger in stead of sadness that would consume me. i could wake up all happy, then any random thing could trigger the anger. i never took it out on others, but once it started to build up, it would keep getting worse and worse, before i collapsed into tears at the end of the day (because it was simply too much to handle)

    i figured that a punching bag would be a nice place to get rid of some anger (and it was) and as soon as i got myself one, i started using it. however, the first time i used it,i was simply to consumed by anger to care about putting on gloves. my hands was all swollen for weeks. but even with the swollen hands, i would keep punching, because it helped. what i soon realized however, was that the thick boxing gloves protected me too much. i no longer felt the weight of the punch, and that made it lose most of its effect. that made me start using some thin training gloves (without finger-tips). 2 time i started using them, i punched until i started bleeding. ever since then it was all about trying to punch enough to make it bleed again.

    it has never really bothered me that im selfharming, because the way im doing it, kinda feels "right".
    however, lately i have started wondering about "why". not because i have to stop, but because i want to understand.

    i want to understand why ts "ok" to "use" my feelings (punch walls or the bag, go for a 5 hour walk at 02:00, take a 40km bike trip in the rain without rain clothes, etc) but "reacting" (show my feelings to others or show them how i feel by either screaming at them or crying in front of them) isn't.

    i managed to start selfharming and for some reason i almost felt proud of it.
    2 days ago i opened my self up completely, for the 2. person in atleast 15 years.
    and by opening up, im talking about showing some deeper emotions in front of them.

    why is it so much easier for me to get angry at everything that makes me sad... getting angry then wanting to punch something, rather than showing that "this isnt ok with me".

    i got a lot of time to think yesterday, and it has left me with a whole new part of me exposed... im just trying to figure out how i can fix myself.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I wish I had all the answers, sadly I don't. I am myself trying to understand why I resort to SH.

    I would urge you refrain from hurting yourself, the fact of the matter is that it doesn't help you, and especially not in the long run. You should work on finding some more healthy outlets. Some outlets that can not hurt you. Could you put the thick gloves back on?

    I know it's a lot easier said than done...

    Are you working on any of this with a therapist or counselor? It can help you as well, I think. I am personally working on it in therapy... and it's a long process.

    Try being kind to yourself, and I hope you find the answers you want!
  3. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    my therapist(s) knows im doing it, but they seem to agree with me onn the fact that its a way to cope with stronger feelings, thus it aint to much of a bad thimg for the time being.

    lately i have done it a lot less than what i did when it started, so i think that as soon as i get my mood issues fixed, i wont SH anymore either.
    now im just trying to understand WHY...
  4. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    It is hard to understand why we self harm. Have you tried to figure out why you feel so angry? I went through a phase in my life where I was angry and everything and felt nothing but rage. I know it can be consuming. Counseling has helped me alleviate a little of that, but at times I still feel anger. Have you tried anger management classes/groups? I hope you feel better soon and decide to wear the full protection gloves!
  5. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    well... i feel much better now than what i did... understanding that what (maybe/partially) caused my mental state of mind, was the lack of emotional support in most of my life. now im just trying to put it all together and figure out the big picture...