it started out as a depression, but it took only a few weeks until it was anger in stead of sadness that would consume me. i could wake up all happy, then any random thing could trigger the anger. i never took it out on others, but once it started to build up, it would keep getting worse and worse, before i collapsed into tears at the end of the day (because it was simply too much to handle) i figured that a punching bag would be a nice place to get rid of some anger (and it was) and as soon as i got myself one, i started using it. however, the first time i used it,i was simply to consumed by anger to care about putting on gloves. my hands was all swollen for weeks. but even with the swollen hands, i would keep punching, because it helped. what i soon realized however, was that the thick boxing gloves protected me too much. i no longer felt the weight of the punch, and that made it lose most of its effect. that made me start using some thin training gloves (without finger-tips). 2 time i started using them, i punched until i started bleeding. ever since then it was all about trying to punch enough to make it bleed again. it has never really bothered me that im selfharming, because the way im doing it, kinda feels "right". however, lately i have started wondering about "why". not because i have to stop, but because i want to understand. i want to understand why ts "ok" to "use" my feelings (punch walls or the bag, go for a 5 hour walk at 02:00, take a 40km bike trip in the rain without rain clothes, etc) but "reacting" (show my feelings to others or show them how i feel by either screaming at them or crying in front of them) isn't. i managed to start selfharming and for some reason i almost felt proud of it. 2 days ago i opened my self up completely, for the 2. person in atleast 15 years. and by opening up, im talking about showing some deeper emotions in front of them. why is it so much easier for me to get angry at everything that makes me sad... getting angry then wanting to punch something, rather than showing that "this isnt ok with me". i got a lot of time to think yesterday, and it has left me with a whole new part of me exposed... im just trying to figure out how i can fix myself.