Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Malcontent, Jan 17, 2009.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Well I suppose I'm improving my life slowly, I'm not just giving up all the time and avoiding real life. Yet I still feel suicidal nearly every day. For a while now it hasn't been caused by sadness so much as anger. Little things will happen that are frustrating or annoying, the normal everyday irritations of life that everyone encounters. I can't see the point in shouting/swearing/smashing things, although that's really what I want to do, so I just try not to react and instead forget about it. But the rage doesn't go away and I turn it on myself, I end up cutting or fixating on methods. I haven't actually attempted to kill myself in quite a while, but the temptation is very strong sometimes. It's like suicidal thoughts are the only outlet I have. There's only two people in the world that I trust enough to share how I'm feeling with, but I'm scared to in case the constant whining drives them away. It's always the same shit, I either hate myself for the way I am or I'm frustrated with other people, who'd wanna listen to that crap for very long? Even when I post here I feel like nobody really listens. I find my own complaining so pathetic it just makes me more suicidal anyway. I think that's why I've never found writting my thoughts down helpful, it just ends up a book of shame that I'll deliberatly read in order to trigger myself when I want to self-destruct. I need a way to get things out, of course when I'm feeling this way I get a complete creative block and only want to destroy everything I've ever attained. I've always felt like there's something choking me whenever I want to express myself, it's like there's so much in my head that it all gets clogged up into a massive mess that only death can get rid of.
  2. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear that things are slowly improving for you and I hope that continues. As for finding so many things irritating that could be part of depression. Are you getting any help as regards this? I also know that that there are a lot of things in life which are irritating no matter how you feel. Hope you can find a way of dealing with this. Best wishes
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    If you feel like letting your anger go by smashing things, swearing, or shouting-go ahead. It is better than turning it inward towards yourself. Anger can be a healthy emotion, but you do need a release for it. I do listen, Mal. I may not always understand just as you may not understand my thoughts, but I am listening. If those people you would trust to tell things to are truly friends, they would be more than happy to listen to you. If it becomes too much, they can let you know. Would you not do the same for them?
  4. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    This may not be such a coherant post as the last one, I'm deep in "I want to die" mode.

    I see a big difference between what would idealy be true and reality. It would be wonderful if I could let whatever I'm feeling out and people would be ok with it, but is that seriously likely? People who say what they think and feel are ostresized. Honestly, who wants to know that someone else wants to kill themselves? That's either upsetting or annoying. It's great to think that friends will always be there no matter what and will never get tired of you simply because they care about but that isn't true. People are fallible, they'll be tired and not wanna talk, or will bugger off and think of themselves first and not think of you. That's no bad thing, but it doesn't fit with this perfect view of how the world should be that so many people have. No one really does want to listen, it's nonsense that you can rely on anyone but yourself. You don't get born with a garentee that says you're going to have everything that you want.

    I'm ranting, it's probably obvious. I'm losing the will to even post this, but fuck it I will anyway. I write so many posts and then give up before actually posting them because just what is the point of it? Words from some faceless prick on the internet, yawn who cares. I know I don't matter, I don't even want to anymore. Everything is pointless. The world wouldn't be any different if I wasn't here. I honestly might as well just kill myself right now for all the difference it would make. What does it matter that I want to cut myself until I have no skin left. It doesn't. I mean nothing, I am nothing. When I do finally kill myself at least things will be quieter. No ranting, no cracking up, shut up idiot, be perfect or you're worthless.
  5. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    It's said that anger is just sadness with passion.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Malcontent,
    You can come here anytime and put your thoughts out there. No one on the forum will judge you. We all have to vent to keep what sanity we have left in tact.
    If you get to that point where you need someone to listen to you then PM me and let it roll. You can vent or scream at me or tell me fuck you!! I can take it and would rather see you do that than find out your dead.
    Your thoughts are important and venting will help stabalize those thoughts. Hopefully it will help as far as your self harming yourself also. I only cut when things get way out of hand and I need to bring myself back down to reality. I am here and the offer is always open, so it is up to you now.Take care!~Joseph~
  7. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I'm cracking up. All sensible thought gone out the window. To hell with it, death is better. We're given life and senient thought and look at what we do with it - petty jibes and digs at others just make life more unpleasant for everyone. There's no point in a life like that and that's all there is on offer. The world could have been a beautiful place but all that's left is a cold putrid heart coddled in lies of hope and idealistic dreams. Where's kindness, where's compassion? Where's just one unselfish act? I keep hoping for it but it never comes.

    Fuck it.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I can so relate to what you wrote, everything from the overwhelming tangle up in my head, to despairing that there is not enough love and compassion in the world. At my last stay in the hospital (how strange to write that) they introduced the idea of self-compassion to me. Basically, they told me to start with kindness and compassion towards myself, since I am so judgemental to myself, hate myself, and am harder to myself than any friend ever would be. It has helped a bit. I hope you can find some compassion for yourself, too.
  9. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Malcontent,

    I can relate to almost everything you said. The anger, the slightest of improvements, the silence, the isolation. I sometimes feel that suicide has become so tempting, that although I'm getting better (also very slowly), I am reluctant to let go of the idea. It's like I'm thinking that the possibility of suicide is keeping me stable somehow (which is obviously totally irrational). I also try to keep my anger inside, for the most part to try and keep a positive image. It's like I'm trying to convince my family and friends of something that isn't really true. Like I'm hoping that if they believe I'm getting better, then somehow magically I will get better...

    I also keep my anger inside, because my parents have also become depressed. I am really trying to get it together for them, because I can't stand to see them like this! I know that is my fault of course. Not intentional, but because of my depression, and my slow recovery, they have also now fell into depression. That is why I can't share my thoughts with anyone because nr 1) They can't really help me, nr 2) It would only make them feel worse/ annoyed as you said and nr 3) it would make me feel self-centered and make me more depressed. That's how I rationalize my silence. On the other hand I know that depression affects your perceptions and fuels irrational behavior so I know I might be wrong, but it doesn't change the way I feel..

    Not even sure what my point is with this post.. Lost track of what I'm trying to say.. :blink:
    I think it was something along the lines of I know what your going through and how difficult it is to try to express your feelings and explain them to others. That's why I think these forums are so great, you have more time to think what your trying to say than in an actual conversation.. Anyway, hope you get it right! Cheers

  10. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I can relate to a lot of what you're saying Mal, I know we haven't really talked much before but I want to say if you ever wanna chat or rant or whatever you are more than welcome to contact me. Wouldn't annoy or be a burden or any of the sort at all. I can't really give you much advice regarding this but I do agree with Dazzle, what you're saying is what your biased self loathing mind is thinking. We need to try and push our thought processes aside and listen to our friends and try our hardest to believe them. It's difficult to understand but people DO care, people DO listen and people DO want to help. You're not just a nobody off the internet. You're a decent person who deserves to feel happiness. I hope one day you will achieve it. Take care mal.
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