Well I suppose I'm improving my life slowly, I'm not just giving up all the time and avoiding real life. Yet I still feel suicidal nearly every day. For a while now it hasn't been caused by sadness so much as anger. Little things will happen that are frustrating or annoying, the normal everyday irritations of life that everyone encounters. I can't see the point in shouting/swearing/smashing things, although that's really what I want to do, so I just try not to react and instead forget about it. But the rage doesn't go away and I turn it on myself, I end up cutting or fixating on methods. I haven't actually attempted to kill myself in quite a while, but the temptation is very strong sometimes. It's like suicidal thoughts are the only outlet I have. There's only two people in the world that I trust enough to share how I'm feeling with, but I'm scared to in case the constant whining drives them away. It's always the same shit, I either hate myself for the way I am or I'm frustrated with other people, who'd wanna listen to that crap for very long? Even when I post here I feel like nobody really listens. I find my own complaining so pathetic it just makes me more suicidal anyway. I think that's why I've never found writting my thoughts down helpful, it just ends up a book of shame that I'll deliberatly read in order to trigger myself when I want to self-destruct. I need a way to get things out, of course when I'm feeling this way I get a complete creative block and only want to destroy everything I've ever attained. I've always felt like there's something choking me whenever I want to express myself, it's like there's so much in my head that it all gets clogged up into a massive mess that only death can get rid of.