Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kombatx, Oct 9, 2009.

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  1. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    I feel a bit unsure about coming out with this on a public board. I've posted some times here in seek for some conversation and/or communication, but quite possibly the way I type and formulate my thoughts isn't enough emotional to indicate that there really is something seriously wrong with my situation.
    It's always been like that, a remarkable ability to control myself and set a facade.

    So, I want to die. It's a feeling that I carry with me all the time, but it doesn't stem from sadness. Or grief. Or loss. It's just there. The feeling of being burned out, lacking a purpose or an ability to vent things somewhere. I can feign emotions, I could pull on a variety of guises to have friends, to what it's called "enjoy life", but I've enjoyed it as much as I could already, it's got old and even people don't give me the satisfaction, sense of accomplishment or goal I crave for. 24 years, and they were years filled with action and experiences, but what's left now is the prospect of experiencing something out of the common boundary.

    Am I tired? Yes. I’m tired. I did drugs. I’m alcoholic. My sex life started quite early. Some of bones broken in fights. Sports – too much at a too a young age Two unfinished higher educations. Army service. Journalism. Clubbing. Political movements and beliefs in a higher goal.

    If I can describe what feeling lingered with me since I can remember myself – it would be boredom. Nervous boredom. Relaxation is impossible, there’s always this restlessness. I walk fast, talk fast, make and loose “friends” fast. Change is imminent.
    Now I’m as bored – but tired. I need to relax, and the rest I need isn’t something a month of being lazy by the sea can be a substitute for.

    People always say - "there's always something to live for. Get up early in the morning, smell the wind, take a long walk at the beach, look at the sunset, go to the movies with friends", yadda yadda yadda. No. Simplistic carnegian mantras don't work. A person can live only when he's shrouded in the fog of an illusion of HAVING a life. But if there is no such delusion, there’s no life either. Just a sterile reality that can bring only sensory pleasure to the body.

    I don’t require love. Understanding. Care. Nothing of it. For the first, I never felt it, only lust or interest. Some people are interesting because they can share their experiences with you, thusly helping the boredom fade. But then the interest fades, and you go cold, you avoid the person and finally squeeze out of him the last drops of drama or misery he could provide you with. Yes, I dominated and manipulated people when I realized I can do that. Don’t know why – it just was a good source of entertainment. To present different masks, to play and win in the social games, to gain things I later discarded as trash. In the end, as I now understand, all the love, all the adoration, or respect I gained from people by being what they wished I would be or on the opposite, torturing them, it all just disappeared like sand running through hands. The satisfaction of all these acts is gone, the effect wasn’t lasting.

    And understanding? Each person is lonely. There is that kind of loneliness when you’re a social outcast and you have no friends due to one reason or another. That’s easy. That can be fixed by boosting self-confidence or whatever.
    However, even having a hundred friends, pals, lovers and acquaintances doesn’t guarantee you’re NOT lonely in some other way.
    But then, there is a loneliness of unique experience, unique for every person. When something in your life is such, or your mindset or anything of the sort, when you cannot share it with another person. You may talk about it with the person, you even might trick yourself in thinking that he does share the experience, but – he doesn’t. Living and interaction of people is kind of like to junkies tripping on LSD try to explain to each other how they’re tripping.

    What I’m trying to say is that people are not the answer when you’re not emotional. When instead of being rocked on this wave of comfort, words and feelings, you just sort everything out coolly, figure the lies, the hidden gains, motives, stupidity, shallowness or any other aspect that the person may have.

    I tried to live for an abstract idea. An idea many would find horrible. I still believe in it, but as far as transhuman things such as ideology or philosophy go, you still need the feeling that you’re actually achieving something. That you’re getting somewhere with it, not slowly dying and rotting with no hope. That your action change the situation to the positive, or at least influence it enough for you to reap the results.
    No. All I got was people wishing I would die.

    Later you think that maybe you should invest in creation. Through creation we live, right? Such a nice psychotherapeutical cliché.
    Sometime ago, I had a delusion that I’m a good and aspiring writer. I still have some delusions that I’m a good painter. And from a technical side of the question, it may be so. I used my warped and twisted states of mind to create things that some people even liked. But currently, I look at my art, at my writing, and ask myself: “What now?” What’s the goal of this? Even if I had popularity, I’d still be left unsatisfied. And this well of dirt I keep drawing out of myself, it’s not bottomless. One day it will stop, and I already stop inspiring myself.
    People create things for others usually. I create for myself because as I mentioned earlier, the goal of getting something from people in return for any creations – I have it no more. And personally, I got bored. My art depresses me because it’s pointless. Waste of time.
    To top it all, I’m sick. My tuberculosis might well be drug-resistant, the doctors said there’s a high chance of it before the final tests. My alcoholism… I tried to quit cold turkey, but got drunk thrice and forgot to take medication. Why I drink? Because I drink myself senseless and don’t think about things, finally stop analyzing, getting frustrated and angry. My family doesn’t know.

    Family is another problem. People react to things such as “I hate my family” or “Nobody loves me” by saying that it’s not true, that parents, however bad they may be, still care and you should try seeking refuge there.

    I don’t hate my family. And someone there loves me. What is unconditional here, is that I separated myself from the childish adoration of them I had when I was a kid and things were great, from the present situation where I had become an asshole and they – uninvolved bystanders. Can I quit? Yes, I can. They quit on me because I quit on them because they quit on me – circle of Ourboros. Sadness would be abundant, but it’s not as high a price.

    And now we’re closing in to the final aspect of this soon-to-be-suicide.
    I'm angry in addition to thoughts of death. To be more specific, I wish to hurt people.
    Boredom had a younger, but more active brother – Hate. Hate is very productive because it gives intellectual and “emotional” food to your mind. I love to hate. I thrive on these feelings of rage and contempt. Expressing it is actually orgasmic. Nothing new here – I dominated and hurt my women, my friends, everyone – to elicit the reactions, always so amusing. But that’s not enough recently.
    To put it better, when I think about suicide, I understand it’s necessity, but then something akin to jealousy kicks in along with the hate. I ask myself – well if I stop my own being, why should it end at that? Why does it have to end on such a passive and unfun note?

    I WANT to feel happiness and satisfaction just once, to finally get how it’s like. I don’t know. These are dark and morbid thoughts, yet so soothing, like a promise of immortality. This anger, ire and the realization of prospects that you can let yourself loose one time.

    Probably, I should and would kill myself peacefully. But it so sad to think about it that way.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2009
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    What happened when you were a kid that you stopped adoring your parents?

    I too carry an incredible facade, I often accomplish it by being silent and minimalizing my facial expression.

    I have learned that understanding can be so elusive, but when it comes from another it is a gift.

    Please keep posting, it will help.
  3. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    I grew up, mostly. Plus made choices on my future that they chose not to support.

    Understanding is there as long as you can convince yourself that that person IS actually understanding. But from a logical point of view, it's quite impropable.
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I read a book titled, "Pulling Your Own Strings," and in it a sentence that reads, "nobody has to understand you."

    I was furious. I had gone to great lengths to understand others and I disparately wanted to be understood.

    There is so much we cannot understand, especially when we are younger. It takes walking a similar path regarding stuff that allows a person to understand.

    When I accepted that and was able to say nobody has to understand me, and stopped going over board on trying to understand others, I found a new freedom.
  5. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    That is correct. Which I why I say I don't require this, it's not a good motive to live or to find people along these lines.
  6. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I admit, I'm big on understanding. The more I can understand people, the more I get to understand myself (the most interesting part!)

    And I also admit, I don't understand where you are coming from, and I'm really interested to know. Maybe you could indulge me and explain a bit how it feels to be so bored, and to hate as you say you do?
  7. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    It feels like knowing you're already dead. Your body doesn't react to stimulus the way it should - you need more than a litre of vodka to feel drunk. You need really, really perverted foreplay and sex acts to get hard, you know. People around can be cracked like an empty nut, there's no substance to them and even if it is, it's stale and old. When you try to teach yourself something, gain knowledge for example, you realise the futility of it, ambivalence of each truth and knowledge becomes dead weight, impractical in the face of reality.
    Music sounds the same. Books tell the same stories over and over, stories about people who are completely different than you. Movies are recycled. So called deep, "smart" people on the inside turn out to be mere shells and constructs for the same ideas and mindsets that are in abundance around. You understand that you yourself ain't better, just sloshing without all purpose in the same Sansara wheel, rolling to your boring inevitable death.

    It all gives birth to so much hate and hate feels good because it's an actual emotion. Then you feel that you should do something about it and release it fully, that maybe that act would allow you to broaden your experience.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think if hate is the only emotion you feel then go the a therapist and examine that emotion and how to use it to get you feeling other emotions too. Therapy is what is needed to help you Go ahead explore this emotion of anger and see where it leads you but do it with the help of a professional
  9. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    I went to a therapist and it didn't help me much. Maybe because I didn't go for help. The therapist was a boring fuck and I, with only 2 semesters of psychology courses, could predict the development of our conversation and it's outcome. He offered the same cliche methods of "help" and of course I wasn't inclined to tell him about my more intimate thougts and desires.

    The only good a therapist can do is give me pills when I can simulate anxiety or any other psychological disorder which I KNOW I can simulate, but I don't need the pills because they don't go good with alcohol.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    then get rid of the alcohol and maybe just maybe by doing this other emotions will come through because you won't be so numb. Only you can help you your right and if you don't want to listen to psychologist then no one can help you.
    I hope you can get help because you deserve it just like the rest of us. you deserve to feel better but you need to want to. take care okay
  11. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You sound like a very intelligent person with some very deep resentment. I was told that resentment is something that is resent through the mind.

    Have you suffered a wrong that equates to feeling betrayed?
  12. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    At the risk of sounding like every self help book you've ever read, my first thought on reading your description of the boredom, is that it sounds like total emotional shut down (aka in psych world as a form of 'depression'). The utter meaninglessness and shallowness and hollowness of everything - which I've found at times can be truly frightening - is impossible to deal with rationally or even by trying to 'understand' it.

    And I can relate to your explanation of the hate - something that makes you feel, gives you a sense of at least being alive, having some substance. And I think that you are right (and Violet too, in what she said about using the anger) - 'releasing it fully' those are the words that resonate for me.

    For anything to have any meaning, it's got to evoke some sort of emotional response in me - when that's inevitably been negative, I've learned to shut down on feelings, controlling them, so finding that more things become less meaningful. Does that make sense?

    When there is a feeling, I'm now trying to grab it and take it all the way (instead of the usual shut down/controlling) - because it then hooks into a whole bloody universe of controlled and muted and shut down feelings - and though it's really painful, terrifying, generally bad bad bad, it nevertheless makes me feel real, authentic, and more aware of what things actually do mean. Sorry this is turning into a bit of a treatise, but I'm getting to the point, honest. Which is, anger/rage/hate - big taboo feelings, the hardest to be able to go into all the way to the end, not least because everyone works under the assumption that anger is somehow unhealthy, has to be 'managed', and worse, it's downright scary to other people to witness.

    I also sympathize fully with your comments about therapists - I get really frustrated because I can always anticipate the usual out of a textbook drivel they come up with, and the rest. Having said that, it's helpful at the least, to have someone there who can handle other people's feelings, who is trained to do so. So, and here's the useless advice bit - I reckon you might want to think about taking that hate and expressing it as much as you can (safely!) - maybe venting it on here, writing it out, acting it out on your own, writing letters to people you want to hurt or just yell at (you know the score, either send it or tear it up that sort of thing), and also seriously consider shopping around for a therapist or someone who does strike you as potentially helpful.

    Not much use with the insidious boredom I know, but just a suggestion.

  13. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Resentment is surely there, but as from what it stems, I don't know. I mean, there were many things wrong in my life, but I'd never addressed to them as really important, valid happenings that made me feel this angry or hateful.
  14. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    It may be. But I always thought depression is related to feelings of sadness, low self-esteem or self-image. On my case, I don't feel sadness, my self-esteem is ok, no guilt, not remorse or regret. Maybe it is depression, maybe it's not.

    Yes it does. I see where you're going there. I used to do that with I felt directed at me. Whenever I began to feel pity for oneself, even the slightest tinge of it, any unconvenient weakness, I literally bit myself, trained to detect and abolish any kind of this attitude.

    Yes, I tried doing it "safely". Art, writing, all of that. But as time passes, the effect fades away.
    I don't know a therapist that would react to what I have to say, what I really want to say and do, adequately. I don't want to be put on some list or something of the sort. Yes, I know, a lot of people say how a therapist is useless because he/she won't understand them, but my situation is bit different. One thing is telling the therapist you want to die, and a completely other thing is to tell him you want to drag other people with you to the grave before that, to commit quite obscene acts and so on. The anger I feel isn't the kind of "my girlfriend dumped me/my boss at the work says I'm useless/I'm not self-actualized" anger. It's not anger that is related exclusively to normal, everyday social failures. It's not directed at specific people either. When I was a kid, I had the same problems, but I learned to keep myself in check and ignore all of this, which lasted quite a time, but now it came back again, with the difference that now I'm not motivated to keep my thoughts, behavior and mood in check.

    I can't see how talking about this with a person that might take some preventive action on me, might help. Only if in the sense that it will give me some attention, but thing with attention, is that the positive emotions from it linger not long enough.
  15. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member


    I've picked out this bit because maybe there's a clue in there that might help. Just some thoughts: if you've taught yourself to cut off from any feelings for yourself, you've effectively cut off from that which gives meaning to things. The less you can feel on your own behalf, the less you can feel for things outside yourself (so, stuff becomes totally meaningless, or negative).

    I'm just wondering if the hate you are talking about, the desire to take other people 'down' with you, isn't some form of self hate? (This is just a thought, and not meant as some kind of 'analysis' of you!)

    Also, the anger someone feels doesn't have to be commensurate with the perceived severity of the cause. And it's possible there is no one thing that's causing the anger, but a whole universe of stuff, all added together to create the intense feeling you are describing.

    About the 'venting' suggestion - I find that trying to let out how I feel when alone, achieves diddly squat. It is much more effective and powerful to express feelings with a sympathetic witness, be it therapist, friend, or here on forum. That's where anger can be a problem, because not many people can handle someone else's anger, especially if it's about things that aren't universally accepted as 'legitimate'. So it's a risk revealing deeply angry stuff. But a risk worth taking I believe.

    Maybe you could think about posting things in more detail?
  16. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    hate and anger control me, that is probably the main reason I don't kill myself because I feel I need to take some other people out before I take myself out

    hate and anger are very real emotions, and in some cases revenge is what is needed
  17. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Well I'm talking only about these kind of feeling. Self-pity is too destructive, in my opinion, more destructive than when it's erased. It's being to self-indulgent in a sense. If I allowed myself to feel it, what good would it do? Just further incapacitate me.

    Self-hate? No, I don't think so. I'm quite fond of myself, which is strange for a person who says he wants to kill himself, I know. But, while I'm satisfied with myself, I'm not satisfied with my circumstances, if that's a valid way to put it.

    Exactly, it is like that. Not something standalone in particular, but many many little and bigger things pressing on the mind.

    No, people generally can't handle someone else's anger. If I tried to express my feelings to a "sympathetic" witness IRL, I would be complaining and showing my self-pity, or show how fucked up I am. I tried to, don't doubt it. However, if one thing I learned about people - it's in one ear, and out of the other. People listen to you as long as you make a pause and then let THEM talk about themselves. I've caught myself in a few situations quite similiar to the satiryical ones described in Ellis's "American Psycho': I'm telling something important to a person I trust, the person listens to me with empty eyes, completely ignoring what I say in some self-induced stupor, and carries on with his/her babble, as if I was talking about the weather and then we switched back on their topic.

    Dialogues are just monologues in the majority of cases, where the participants take turns to voice them.

    What things exactly?
  18. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Oh, well, that's a sort of open ended question. More to see if there weren't other things, facts, circumstances, events, thoughts even that you think could be relevant to making clearer what's brought you to this position. I haven't got anything specific in mind, not knowing enough to come up with any kind of meaningful questions. If you want to say more about yourself, that would be great, but if not, it's not a problem.
  19. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    I don't know. My life isn't that interesting. I traveled a lot around the world. Had a pretty good childhood. As a teen was in a gang, got into streetfights - and at the same time, loved books and art Served in the army in a conflict zone. From my days as a kid I was pretty aggressive and as far as I remember always had violent fantasies which I was able to hide mostly.

    Recently, it all just intensified, my urges and rationalization of the meaningless life I have.
  20. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I don't care much about my parents either, and I don't think my life is very interesting either. Feel free to PM me.
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