Angry that I failed

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by whybeherenow, Mar 21, 2008.

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  1. whybeherenow

    whybeherenow Active Member

    Two weeks ago I tried the <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> It was the first time that I had actually tried to commit suicide, and it should have worked. When I awoke 12 hours later with the bag next to me, I was not relieved or happy or whatever to still be here. I was angry to still be here. During the night I must have gotten up and moved some things around in side, but had no memory of doing this.

    Now, because prescription drugs aren't that easy to get in Australia without going into some big story, if I am going to try again I only have the option of more extreme methods.

    I know there are a couple of quite easy ones I could try, but I wanted a peaceful 'go to sleep' death.

    I don't know why I am posting this. I don't want help. I don't want to be talked out of it. The only reason I have kept going for the past few years, is because I didn't want to upset other people, but I cannot continue to be here for that reason alone.

    Maybe I just want to here other peoples reactions to failed attempts.

    Maybe if we fail it's because we aren't ready to go? I was very determined and what I did should have ended my life. But ?????
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2008
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i attempted and failed about three months ago.

    my overwhelming feeling was shame. shame that i'd failed. shame that i'd tried. shame that it took so long to work up the nerve to do it and that in the end, i couldn't even get that right.

    with some distance i believe that a tiny, very tiny part of me wanted to live, and that's why i didn't succeed. i would say at that time it was 99.9% want to die, and .01% wanted to live.

    i know you don't want talking out of your plans, but i want to share what's changed for me since my attempt. the main t hing is since then i've had some help - meds, psych counselling, meditation and relaxation classes. what i've learned about myself is that i just wanted the pain to stop, just wanted to not be lonely and afraid anymore. i've learned that i'm a perfectionist and my own harshest critic. i've also learned that the things i say to myself -- that i'm a fuck up and a loser, always was, always will be -- are not true. i still have alot of shame but i am learning to forgive myself. i reached out to family and friends and learned that what i believed - that i was alone - is also not true. i might still be lonely, but i am not alone.

    i trusted myself, reached out for help and i don't want to die anymore.

    is there a tiny part of you that recognizes that what you really want is for the pain to end?

  3. TrAgIcK EvEntZ

    TrAgIcK EvEntZ Well-Known Member

    What are you going through to make you wanna do this?
  4. whybeherenow

    whybeherenow Active Member

    Thanks for the reply Catherine

    I am the opposite of you - I am alone but don't feel lonely! My family are the last people I would turn to for anything, especially understanding. I am glad for you that you are founding your way out. At least you are understanding what makes a difference for you.
  5. whybeherenow

    whybeherenow Active Member

    Hey - it's not about any one thing. It's hard to explain. Even though it was the first time I actually tried - I have longed to be free of this life since childhood. I don't belong here. There isn't anything that I fit. Sure I have had some unfortunate experiences, but who hasn't? Some people experience all kinds of terrible extremes and will fight to continue living no matter what. I don't just want to die - I want to cease to exist, to be completely erased. I don't have a thick enough skin to live in this world. I have tried to numb myself, mostly with alcohol, but this only leads to intense sadness. Have been counselled, refused medication, tried to turn my focus outwards, volunteer work etc, but the more in the world I am the more sadness I feel. A good life in this society, is a selfish and shallow life. I can't find a path in life that I think has substance and meaning. It's all just filler.

    In short, I long for peace and freedom, and neither exists here.

    Thank you for the opportunity to try to express why I want out.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i can really relate to what you write. i have stopped watching the news because it fills me with such sadness. what a mess this world is in.

    there are a few things that help me along. one is to use photography to express my vision. i don't worry about an external path or meaning... i make my own. the other is using meditation to get in touch with my own sorrow, which leads to thinking about other people's suffering in a more compassionate way. some days, it's not enough. some days it is.

    wishing you peace and freedom in this world, rather than the next,

  7. whybeherenow

    whybeherenow Active Member

    Thanks Catherine - I expect I'll stay her - knowing that I could actually do it has given me a strange kind of freedom. Free to stay - free to go. Percy Walker had a chapter on suicide in his book 'Lost in the Cosmos' where he suggested seriously entertaining the idea of suicide could be beneficial and therapeutic. I did more than entertain the the idea. I did it. Just not successfully. So maybe I am not done yet. Who can say??
  8. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    I can really relate to what you're saying. For me it's also a multitude of small and big "problems" which sum up to a total of pretty intense meaningless and sadness. I've tried, I've really tried to look at things in a positive way. Tried to appreciate all the good things around me like my family and friends and the fact that I was born in a beautiful country without any wars going on. But I can't. I just feel empty and hollow. I'm filled with opinions but they're pointless in the face of mankind's horrible ways. I want out, and I don't just want to escape this life - like you I want to cease to exist completely. I'm so tired.
  9. deadpan

    deadpan Account Closed

    I think for me, if I did attempt it, would be the horror of waking up to the people around me in hospital if i failed. All the questions, all the "why would you?". That would make me feel worse. I know for certain I would end up on some sort of psych ward for a few days. I admire people who have the strength to attempt, it proves they want to show people they really do hurt inside and all they want is a release from this life.

    There is nothing much holding me back now. All I have is time. No job, no real income for support, all I have is time.
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi deadpan, i don't really think of attempting as showing strength... if i had known then what i know now about depression i might have got some help earlier. as it was, i just felt alone and scared. i had no idea that so many people would step up and help, not just here on SF, but friends and family, as well as the mental health services here. attempting just meant i just didn't know how to get help.
  11. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    I know how you feel, last time i managed to fuck up my liver, and the docs said that i would be dead in 2 days. I'd never felt such relief, but as some of you know the liver is a resilient bugger, and after giving me something that felt like acid in my veins( i was drifting in and out), i recovered. And now i feel empty.
    But i'm not one to give up, well actually i am, hence the suicide.:biggrin:
    I hate being alive, i'm gonna tempt fate again,maybe this time, i'll be the one who gets lucky, and not the doctors.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 7, 2008
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