Angry with myself

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sadhart, Oct 13, 2011.

  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I have said this in another post i made, but I am not really fond of my family. They are toxic at times unfairly controlling, and don't practice what they preach.
    Most of my family lives close by in the town where I live. I live in the same house as my aunt; my grandmother used to be here but she passed away last year. My grandmother was mean, bitter and found fault in everyone and everything except amazingly enough never in her own self. Despite this, she paid for the majority of bills and food and all, so even if were in the wrong, all she had to do was throw that over my head and if I didn't like it, I could just leave...knowing I had no where to go.

    My aunt doesn't get much every month, and I'm a stupid failure in life, so things aren't always easy around here. Yesterday, they almost cut off the gas and my aunt had to drive back out to pay it. I felt so ashamed because I don't drive as it's a fear I'm trying to overcome (which others in my family don't understand) and I didn't have 12 dollars to pay for the gas.

    My dipshit, know it all male cousin said a couple of months ago that if he had his way, he would have kicked me out a long time ago. If only he knew how I felt everyday i get up....the hatred I have for myself for being a burden on everyone and in life in general. For me, despite all painful emotional scars from family and others in life, it's my own failure and worthlessness alone that makes me want to take my life.

    I'm sorry this was a bit long.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sadhart, I don't see you as a failure. You are a good observer of people (all the things you note about your family members). You might not be able to drive (but you are working to overcome a fear of driving). You care about other people (even whoever reads this post - "I'm sorry this was a bit long."). You're not a failure. :hug:
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I want to make an effort to appreciate your words and take them to heart. I had filled out an application for a job at this store. I went the extra effort to write a short effort asking that I be greatly considered for a possible position. I walked there and it felt kind of good. I mean my life still feels pointless, but I was glad I got up instead of sitting in the house all day.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    That's a good step to have taken, sweetie. :) If you get this job, that's great, if not, just keep applying to other places. I'm sending lots of hope and good wishes your way! :hug: