I have said this in another post i made, but I am not really fond of my family. They are toxic at times unfairly controlling, and don't practice what they preach. Most of my family lives close by in the town where I live. I live in the same house as my aunt; my grandmother used to be here but she passed away last year. My grandmother was mean, bitter and found fault in everyone and everything except amazingly enough never in her own self. Despite this, she paid for the majority of bills and food and all, so even if were in the wrong, all she had to do was throw that over my head and if I didn't like it, I could just leave...knowing I had no where to go. My aunt doesn't get much every month, and I'm a stupid failure in life, so things aren't always easy around here. Yesterday, they almost cut off the gas and my aunt had to drive back out to pay it. I felt so ashamed because I don't drive as it's a fear I'm trying to overcome (which others in my family don't understand) and I didn't have 12 dollars to pay for the gas. My dipshit, know it all male cousin said a couple of months ago that if he had his way, he would have kicked me out a long time ago. If only he knew how I felt everyday i get up....the hatred I have for myself for being a burden on everyone and in life in general. For me, despite all painful emotional scars from family and others in life, it's my own failure and worthlessness alone that makes me want to take my life. I'm sorry this was a bit long.