Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Secret wounds, Aug 24, 2007.

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  1. Secret wounds

    Secret wounds Well-Known Member

    I was'nt really sure where to type this i guess it doesnt really matter its just a bunch of useless words that dont really matter thought that make no sense.
    I hate the person im becoming im a complete bitch to people sometimes but i dont want to be i have this anger inside of me and sometimes i take it out on the wrong people. I ignore people so they wont speak to me, ask me questions that i cant answer fuck it i hate this shit. Why wont someone put me out of my misery im sure even the people on here are sick of my constant complaning its all i ever seem to do.
    I hate living in this fuckin house im so desperate to leave i dont know what im so scared of. I wish i would die i want to fuckin die i say the same shit over and over again and nothing changes. I thought a person was meant to feel better talking about things i dont feel any better.
    My life is so pathetic and meaningless i dont know what the fuck the point is. I want to find that person i used to be where the hell has she gone?
    I feel like im 16 again living here im trapped in this hell hole im so scare that one day im going to lose the plot and hurt someone else im scared my anger will get so bad that il lose control. I can feel the anger inside me and i do control it but what happens if one day i cant and i hurt someone else?
    So maybe you will all laugh and think im a teenager even though im not (no direspect to any teens) but im so fuckin angry today, fuck it i may aswell tell you all why...For weeks my work place has been planning a night out and i really want to go my fuckin parents wont let me go they wont even think about the idea, everyone keeps asking why am not coming what do i fuckin tell them? i lie of course as i always do i smile at them and lie say im busy, i cant tell them my parents wont allow me to go they would laugh and i dont blame them. It sounds so petty and stupid but i have to sit there and lie to people make up excuses i hate fuckin lying to these people, they all sit there and make plans laugh and joke and i sit there pretending to listen all im thinking about is going to the bathroom to cut my arms, thinking of ways to kill myself. I cant fuckin deal with this no more i just want to be normal to be allowed to make my own choices, people to stop controlling my fuckin life. I dont have a life i do the same shit everyday i count the days to nothing. Im bored so why the fuck am i here for? Im tired of living in this hell hole im sick of this shit. I want to fuckin die i dont know what to do i cant find no one to help me im so scared of what i might do one day. I spend my days crying i dont know what to do im so fuckin lost and alone i sound so silly but i need help i want to kill myself.
  2. weirdal

    weirdal Forum Buddy old are you? because if youre not in your teens, your paretns cant really tell you what and what not to do
  3. Secret wounds

    Secret wounds Well-Known Member

    Im 26... and they do tell me what to do.
  4. weirdal

    weirdal Forum Buddy

    hmm well if youre livign with them then fair enough, but... have they told you why you cant go?
  5. Secret wounds

    Secret wounds Well-Known Member

    Its ok you can laugh its what i expect im sorry if i sound bitchy im just angry with my self for being pathetic. im not even going to bother boring people with the details its pointless i dont even know why i come on here i dont have any one else though im all alone im sitting here and thinking i could kill myself and nobody would find me until the morning i wish i could it im fuckin guttless though im such a waste of space i want all this to end
  6. weirdal

    weirdal Forum Buddy

    trust me i feel exactly like you do, but weve jus got to hang on to that small glimmer of hope, and that small piece is enough to bring us back, how you do that is up to you to find out but it is possible.
  7. Secret wounds

    Secret wounds Well-Known Member

    The only thing that stops me from killing myself is guilt from ruining my family but i dont like them anymore im sick of them. i've become this evil twisted person and i dont want to be like that. i dont know what to do anymore. I hate myself for having bad thoughts about my family but their the ones who are ruining my life or maybe im doing it myself i cant make sense of anything
  8. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    Is moving out an option? Or at least taking an extended break of some kind away from your parents? Sounds like you're pretty stressed out and a little change of environment might do you some good, let you have the room/energy you need to do some soul searching or whatever it is you can't do where you are now. I know I've always been happier when I'm not around my parents.

    As for the night out, least it sounds like your coworkers care about you and/or want you to come. Maybe that counts for something? :) could lie to your parents and just go or is it too late for that? Do you think they could be convinced to let you go out part of the night at least, if not the entire night? Just some thoughts.

    Take care :)
  9. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I'm not laughing at you.. in fact i can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I also have a whole heap of anger buried inside of me. For years (well, for as long as i can remember) I haven't let my feelings, especially anger, out. Instead I turn anger inwards and end up harming myself.

    But for the past year I've been trying to work on this. I'm in therapy and, although it's very difficult, i'm slowly realising that I have feelings, that i'm entitled to them, and that i am a good person. I still struggle a lot with anger; i don't seem to know how to handle it. I get the feeling that if i let a little bit of anger out, it'll never end. I'm scared that i'll "lose it" or really hurt myself/someone. It's a scary emotion, and a dangerous one to keep locked away.

    I'm also living at home right now; I'm 28 years old, and after i got made redundant last year I moved back in with my mum. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but it's been a year and i'm still here!

    Sorry that your parents are so controlling of you and your life. That sounds terribly unfair and frustrating for you. Is there any way you would feel able to talk to your parents about how this is impacting on your life and feelings? Or, as Mew says, is there any possibility of you moving out of home? It may be a difficult decision but I wonder if it would help boost your emotional health greatly.

    Keep talking if it helps, and feel free to PM me if you wanna talk some more :)

    Jenny x
  10. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    gotta be careful with method. i used tons of pills and survived on the floor 11 days before i was found and i live alone. my keys accidentallly dropped near the dumpster so my dad recognized them and let himself in and found me. i had very little time left and they don't know how i made it without food or water for 4 days. so i have to make sure i have at least a week and make them think i'm away and i have enough pills hopefully to make it dead before thenight is over. but if you have a high tolerance like i do, you won't go overnight so think it through okay>
  11. Mogwai02

    Mogwai02 Active Member

    secret wounds, i feel the same way (except for the controlling parents). i'm so angry at everyone, and i want it to help, but it makes me feel worse.
  12. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I can understand your pain. My parents are control freaks, unlucky for them, they could never control me. Why not think of moving out, if thats affordable and well within your financial scope.
  13. Secret wounds

    Secret wounds Well-Known Member

    I am saving up to move out but it feels like it will never happen. My family are going to be so dissapointed when i tell them im moving out, i dont even know how im going to tell them i can imagine the look on my parents faces they will feel ashamed and they wont understand why im going and i cant explain to them they are slowly killing me by me living with them. They will be ashamed because of my stupid religion and the stupid culture that surrounds it all and i fuckin hate it all. Apparently im meant to meet a nice asian boy, get married have babies but im not like that i dont want to marry some fucking loser just to make them happy not that they are forcing me to marry some one but im not meant to move out until im married. Fuck it i dont know bastard fuckin religious bollocks hell to it all!
    If they do find me dead one fuckin day they'll be to fuckin blame, they should of let me have the life i wanted not the one they chose.
    I sound evil i read back what i've wrote and i sound so fuckin evil i dont understand how i can say this stuff about my mum and dad, my mums the greatest she does everything for me but i just cant live here.
  14. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    You Don't sound evil to me...
    """Apparently im meant to meet a nice asian boy, get married have babies"""
    I know you from your last posts.
    you have a small window that """you can be free in"""
    Please tell me you have a few friends/ a friend you could move in with. just for awhile.
    Your parents will actualy respect you if you do.. Maybe not to your face, but they will accept it.
  15. weirdal

    weirdal Forum Buddy


  16. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    You don't sound evil, you sound angry. Showing your parents how angry you are by ending your own life doesn't seem right though.. live your life for yourself, show them and yourself that you are worth more than that. We have every faith in you :hug:
  17. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    Hm...sounds like a cultural thing going on? Being the nice Asian boy, minus the nice, I think I sorta know where you're coming from.

    Do you think it's necessary to tell them the truth about your reasons for moving out? Since you're worried about hurting them, you could make something up instead. Maybe a "I have to do this" sorta thing without any explanation might suffice.

    Plus if I were a parent, I'd much rather hear my daughter say "I'm moving out" instead of see her lying in her own blood with her wrists slit. Moving out would likely be the less devastating of the two, even if they don't know it :p

    As for being evil for disliking some of the things your parents do to you, doesn't sound evil. I know how nice people can be just as overbearing as nasty people, and sometimes that's worse cause it sends mixed messages. IMO, don't think there's anything wrong with being pissed when people close to you do stuff that piss you off. Maybe you'll appreciate your parents more once you're out of their shadow? Then again, maybe not. Who knows. Regardless, it sounds like you want to move out eventually. Good luck with that, hope the day comes sooner rather than later :D

    And in the mean time, take care :)
  18. harp14

    harp14 New Member

    Yeah I am a teen and I can understand why you feel like that, I dont really have a life I never get to go out and always have to say to my friends that I cant go out because I feel trapped with my parents, my dad suffers depression which has passed onto me and whenever I go out etc he worries about me and I hate the responsibility. But you know you have someone who can understand what you are going through, the situation isnt exactly the same but its similar. And I just editted this now seeing that you spoke about religion, im a sikh and my parents say I should marry an asian girl cus in his opinion you can trust them more, but I dont believe that and I would get an english girlfriend anyway because he wouldnt really mind too much.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2007
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