I don't even know why I'm posting this… it probably won't even seem that depressing-- but I'm currently really angry and unhappy now when I should probably be happy instead. I've been really trying with this whole depression/anxiety thing, I really have. I've forced myself to go traveling and do things that are challenging because I didn't want to just sit around feeling sorry for myself. Last week, I became a certified scuba diver-- I went 28m down on my fifth ever dive and I wasn't at all afraid to be underwater even though I had almost no experience and knew that if I got too anxious and started to come up too fast I could be in serious trouble-- but I was absolutely terrified that there would be someone in my group who would just be awful and make me feel like crap and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it… or where I would make some sort of horrible impression on them. I was more afraid of that than the actual diving or accidentally touching a lionfish or snake whatever. A few months ago, I climbed a 5000+ meter mountain pass over 10 days… and in the back of my mind it felt like if I could just do that then I wouldn't be unhappy anymore. But it's actually not doing the trick at all… some people seem impressed but the bottom line is that they don't really care. I don't feel closer to anyone, and I think that they actually feel even less close to me. Other people just don't seem to do this stuff… or maybe they do it but they don't feel the need to talk about it… or I don't know. I just hate going away and feeling confident and happy and doing things and then having to come back to my crap lonely life where nothing makes me happy and nothing seems even remotely worthwhile… I'm still 33 years old, balding, getting fat, weird-looking, kinda self-centred and yeah, it feels like nobody wants to listen to me, or if they do, they don't know what to say. I think if I were a hot 23 year old girl I could be boring as fuck and everyone would be hanging on my every word so long as I flashed them a smile and batted my eyelashes… but I'm seriously fighting here and trying so hard and still I get nowhere! I don't want pity or anything because I hate that I think I just want to not be such a loser when it comes to girls and I want to just have one person in this world that I can actually identify with on some level, but it just seems like everyone around me is hollow and empty and they don't want to do anything or they just don't have 'it'… maybe the fact that I'm too demanding is putting people off, I don't know… but I don't even think I'm demanding, I just want someone who is really alive and has a good sense of humor and real ideas… and isn't a complete egomaniac either… but a little bit is okay. I think mostly I just want to be able to tell someone these things and feel like they understand but not just like 'wow I like that too' but also click so that it all feels meaningful instead of like just some desperate attempt to fill the void. Or maybe life is supposed to be about distracting/amusing yourself with whatever you can so that you can forget about how meaningless it all is. Maybe this sounds totally pompous and melodramatic but I don't care-- it's how I honestly feel right now.