Angry

[gloomy]

I don't even know why I'm posting this… it probably won't even seem that depressing-- but I'm currently really angry and unhappy now when I should probably be happy instead.

I've been really trying with this whole depression/anxiety thing, I really have. I've forced myself to go traveling and do things that are challenging because I didn't want to just sit around feeling sorry for myself. Last week, I became a certified scuba diver-- I went 28m down on my fifth ever dive and I wasn't at all afraid to be underwater even though I had almost no experience and knew that if I got too anxious and started to come up too fast I could be in serious trouble-- but I was absolutely terrified that there would be someone in my group who would just be awful and make me feel like crap and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it… or where I would make some sort of horrible impression on them. I was more afraid of that than the actual diving or accidentally touching a lionfish or snake whatever.

A few months ago, I climbed a 5000+ meter mountain pass over 10 days… and in the back of my mind it felt like if I could just do that then I wouldn't be unhappy anymore. But it's actually not doing the trick at all… some people seem impressed but the bottom line is that they don't really care. I don't feel closer to anyone, and I think that they actually feel even less close to me. Other people just don't seem to do this stuff… or maybe they do it but they don't feel the need to talk about it… or I don't know.

I just hate going away and feeling confident and happy and doing things and then having to come back to my crap lonely life where nothing makes me happy and nothing seems even remotely worthwhile…

I'm still 33 years old, balding, getting fat, weird-looking, kinda self-centred and yeah, it feels like nobody wants to listen to me, or if they do, they don't know what to say. I think if I were a hot 23 year old girl I could be boring as fuck and everyone would be hanging on my every word so long as I flashed them a smile and batted my eyelashes… but I'm seriously fighting here and trying so hard and still I get nowhere!

I don't want pity or anything because I hate that I think I just want to not be such a loser when it comes to girls and I want to just have one person in this world that I can actually identify with on some level, but it just seems like everyone around me is hollow and empty and they don't want to do anything or they just don't have 'it'… maybe the fact that I'm too demanding is putting people off, I don't know… but I don't even think I'm demanding, I just want someone who is really alive and has a good sense of humor and real ideas… and isn't a complete egomaniac either… but a little bit is okay. I think mostly I just want to be able to tell someone these things and feel like they understand but not just like 'wow I like that too' but also click so that it all feels meaningful instead of like just some desperate attempt to fill the void.

Or maybe life is supposed to be about distracting/amusing yourself with whatever you can so that you can forget about how meaningless it all is.

Maybe this sounds totally pompous and melodramatic but I don't care-- it's how I honestly feel right now.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Wow dude you do a lot of stuff. It has been forever since I have been backpacking or camping. Hmmm maybe I should go and get drunk out in nature... :tongue: Anyway, you sound like you have a lot going on outside of your home. I think this can be a problem. Maybe you can find a hobby to do in your house? For me I have several hobbies in my house. They make coming home worth while. Maybe you could find a more local hobby.

I laughed at the comment about being a 23 year old girl. That is one advantage women have. If they are pretty people want to be around them. By the same token if they are ugly people tend to be more adverse to them.

You know women are attracted to confidence right? I bet if you approached a girl and could steer the conversation to scuba diving or backpacking, you could have a few more options. Women like fascinating men. Women also like being out in nature. If you have some good stories from your adventures. Women will just eat them up. y just need to get out there and try.

 

[gloomy]

Thanks for the reply… you should definitely go out into nature. I'm starting to think part of my problem is that I'm stuck in a fucking soul-crushing office all day long staring at a goddam computer instead of being outside… I don't know what you do or anything but offices can feel like prisons sometimes.

I think next year I might just move to Thailand and try to become a scuba instructor, or buy a boat and sail around and be a friendly pirate who steals and sometimes hurts but doesn't rape or kill… and tells jokes and hands out balloons so that children don't get scared while I steal their Xboxes and iphones. Then I'll find an island and start a cult. Yeah that's a damn good plan.

I have some indoorsy hobbies as well… but I think I need to get some non-computer related indoorsy hobbies but it's kinda tough to know what. What do you recommend?

 

[me myself and i]

I am a qualified advanced diver, please take me to Thailand soon........
At home, well perhaps not a hobby as such.........
But books, they are bloomin wonderful, not only can you get lost in them, but also some of the answers we seek are there, IF we choose to look.
Sometimes i come across a situation that i have faced in real life and not worked out, the author has a different take on it.
Books can be racy, sexy, interesting,knowledgeable,fun,dramatic and unputadownable...... in no particular order.
But thats me, we are all different!

 

[johnnysays]

How to make life so it's not meaningless...

How to do that and not feel like a slave or goat...

You know, I think it's about you growing a bit bored with your circumstances. Doing the same thing, day after day, can do that. Any additional stress can compound it.

Have you visited dating sites? Maybe you could mention that you sometimes enjoy hiking or scuba diving. Women won't come to you - most of them. They want you to come to them. I think the best chance of finding the right one for you is to keep on living, doing something you enjoy. Build up your confidence. Eventually, you'll bump into someone. Visiting a dating site is just an idea.

But I don't really know sh**. If you knew me, you wouldn't even listen to a word I say. I've never even had a GF, so anyway.

But I'm 34 and ever few days I tell myself that in 5 years I'll be 39. Time is running short. Life is just slipping me by and I keep staring blankly into empty space. Not disbelieving. More surrender. I make bad choices. I don't learn. You should try not to make bad choices. If you live as though it matters then maybe you won't regret the things you've done after 5 years is over.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have all my fears scraped away. What if I did something I never thought I'd ever do. My fears are my prison. So maybe you need to examine your fears. Figure out how to control them.

Or... if I could be invisible. If I could be invisible, there'd be so much adventure. I'd have no reason to sit down. But this is mostly because being invisible removes any fears. But it's also because being invisible allows you to see secrets that others try to hide. It also allows you to learn without having to fill out lots of paperwork or having to worry about people freaking out over you being where you shouldn't be. Being invisible isn't really an option. So I don't know how this could help you. It's just something I've thought about.