Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KKay, Dec 13, 2014.

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  1. KKay

    KKay New Member

    I am new to the forum and hope I can find a sense of support and understanding here. I don't want to make anyone feel worse than they do so I apologize in advance if my post comes off as just filled with misery and negativity.

    I am a 42 year old mother of 4. I have a 23 y/o in the Navy, a 15 year old daughter and 9 year old twin boys. I have been for several weeks now planning my death. I have thought about it again and again. As I lay here admitting this, tears roll down my face endlessly. Today and yesterday I have cried on and off, on and off. Depression rolls over me in waves and it sometimes seems I am feeling better and then when a new wave comes in it is worse than the one prior. The pain and anguish in my mind is so great and so consuming that I sometimes feel I am suffocating from it. I have developed near crushing social anxiety. Oh I have a mask I *think* I have perfected- a smile, a joke, a funny story. But nobody knows that at times I drink until I pass out sobbing and gasping to breathe. Sometimes I curl in the fetal position in the bath and cry because the tears can just roll into the water. I fall asleep nearly every night crying. Sometimes I drive and fight the urge to drive into walls or other cars. I fight the urge to open the door and fling myself out. I fantasize someone will rear end me and kill me. We have guns and I have thoughts about leaving a note for my husband and going to a motel so my kids won't see me. I just don't want my kids to see my body. Nor do I don't want to leave my kids with the pain of my loss and right now they are the ONLY reason I am alive.

    The past year has been one successive nightmare. I have lost numerous interpersonal relationships. My best friend. My oldest son. My mom. I am estranged from my dad. My marriage is the pits. I lost my job in September. I could list allllll the reasons why these relationships both personal and professional have fallen apart but I find in my darkest moments like today those reasons are inconsequential anymore. It simply doesn't matter who did what to who anymore. It just doesn't matter. I don't want to think about them anymore because frankly I have thought and thought until my brain was spinning and aching so bad I wanted to smash my head just to silence it. So I guess that's what I want. Silence. Peace. And I am thinking why not a permanent silence? And then I think of my children. If I killed myself I would fail them! Just as I have failed them and everything and everyone else. It would be cruel to leave them with that pain and I am not a cruel person. But yet the desire to silence my brain and find some peace away from this mental suffering calls me more and more and more and more.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sign yourself in for help ok let the professional team at hospital help you find some peace in your mind show your children that it is ok to reach out for help when one is suffering as you are Teach them that it is ok to get some help some support when one is so low
  3. KKay

    KKay New Member

    No can do. I am terrified of being committed. That is my worst fear. I don't think I could handle the humiliation and exposure. I would rather die. In fact I am afraid to tell my dr. I am having suicidal thoughts because I am terrified she will commit me. :(
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi KKay,

    There is no embarrassment or humiliation in admitting you need a little help now and again, you have small children, they need you.
    Try and think of it logically, would you rather put your kids through the hell of losing you (and you seem like a lovely caring person if I may say so) or would you rather admit you need help and get better and have all that future together without the pain. Because believe these words, depression can be cured. You can do this. You do not need to walk into the doctor and say that you are suicidal, go at your own pace perhaps say you are feeling under the weather a bit, see what they suggest?
    I really am sorry you are feeling so bad but KNOW there is help out and you can do this confidentially and at your own pace.

    Kind regards, Petal.
  5. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Way back at the beginning I went to the dr after reading a report about Prozac (this was in the 90's) and asked to be prescribed Prozac because I empathized with the patients in the article. The Prozac did much to lift the cloud so I could deal with the problems at hand. unfortunately I thought I knew better and stopped the Prozac on my own. Under the stress of divorce I ended up in the hospital and so far I haven't decided I know more than the doctor regarding the meds. The therapist sometimes talks to the pdoc saying that she thinks the meds should be changed on occasion.

    Maybe you should start with a therapist and see if they can guide you. They would keep your confidence. Just to relate more of my story if I'm feeling suicidal they understand it is the pain and know when I'm close to ending my life. But I can talk frankly about suicide to them without fear. just like you can.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Honesty is the best way to get the help you truly need. I was in a dark place, crying everyday and had to be hospitalized summer of this year but I am feeling back to normal and am happier as a result if I didn't I'll be still suffering and the hospital was not that bad. There are other options you can do when discussing it with your doctor. They will not hospitalize you unless you're a danger to yourself or others within 24 hours I think. The doctor will work with you and try medications to help you pull out of the dark place you're in and/or suggest Therapy. I think Therapy is worth it when you're honest and it helps process the feelings and look at them at a different light so you can start working on them and get your life back.

    I think losses of relationships and job can send people on a downward spiral you're not alone.
  7. rogerweekly

    rogerweekly New Member

    kKay, do you feel a bit better now you have found this thread? keep posting. Ralph is right but I appreciate it would be difficult to own up to it. Try this first and see if you feel better for it. Hoping it works for me too

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