I am new to the forum and hope I can find a sense of support and understanding here. I don't want to make anyone feel worse than they do so I apologize in advance if my post comes off as just filled with misery and negativity. I am a 42 year old mother of 4. I have a 23 y/o in the Navy, a 15 year old daughter and 9 year old twin boys. I have been for several weeks now planning my death. I have thought about it again and again. As I lay here admitting this, tears roll down my face endlessly. Today and yesterday I have cried on and off, on and off. Depression rolls over me in waves and it sometimes seems I am feeling better and then when a new wave comes in it is worse than the one prior. The pain and anguish in my mind is so great and so consuming that I sometimes feel I am suffocating from it. I have developed near crushing social anxiety. Oh I have a mask I *think* I have perfected- a smile, a joke, a funny story. But nobody knows that at times I drink until I pass out sobbing and gasping to breathe. Sometimes I curl in the fetal position in the bath and cry because the tears can just roll into the water. I fall asleep nearly every night crying. Sometimes I drive and fight the urge to drive into walls or other cars. I fight the urge to open the door and fling myself out. I fantasize someone will rear end me and kill me. We have guns and I have thoughts about leaving a note for my husband and going to a motel so my kids won't see me. I just don't want my kids to see my body. Nor do I don't want to leave my kids with the pain of my loss and right now they are the ONLY reason I am alive. The past year has been one successive nightmare. I have lost numerous interpersonal relationships. My best friend. My oldest son. My mom. I am estranged from my dad. My marriage is the pits. I lost my job in September. I could list allllll the reasons why these relationships both personal and professional have fallen apart but I find in my darkest moments like today those reasons are inconsequential anymore. It simply doesn't matter who did what to who anymore. It just doesn't matter. I don't want to think about them anymore because frankly I have thought and thought until my brain was spinning and aching so bad I wanted to smash my head just to silence it. So I guess that's what I want. Silence. Peace. And I am thinking why not a permanent silence? And then I think of my children. If I killed myself I would fail them! Just as I have failed them and everything and everyone else. It would be cruel to leave them with that pain and I am not a cruel person. But yet the desire to silence my brain and find some peace away from this mental suffering calls me more and more and more and more.