Anhedonia

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Oct 24, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I had a plan but it was too scary to contemplate. Isolating a lot. No friends, but I haven't made the effort to make any friends. Just didn't want attachment and then rejected. Don't want to take risks in life. No goals. No purpose. Wish I never survived. It would be much simpler. Group is exhausting me. Not enough sleep for 3 days now. Very moody and tearful. Want to go to the hospital but then I can't pay my bills unless I call them in. That may be the only solution...to pay my bills while I'm in the hospital. Don't know which one to go to. Don't know if I need to go to the hospital. If I can apply my coping skills, maybe I don't have to go. No desire to do anything. Don't know what to do anymore. I'm just existing, not thriving. I have no interest to do anything unless I force myself to . I've been having paranoid delusions about my group members not liking me and are sick and tired of me sharing in group. Think people are talking behind my back. Some voices, but not much. Agitated, Irritable, anxious, depressed. My life is at a stand still. Extremely passive. I'm a burden to society. Living off taxpayers and government funds. So useless. No car sucks. So dependant on others. So needy. Just stuck here. Physical and mental pain. Difficulty making decisions. Opposing thoughts make me confused and frustrated. Not really want to die but get unconscious so I can escape from reality for awhile. Mornings start great but evening my depression overwhelms me. I'm very blessed to have a great social worker but hate to make him thing I'm not appreciating him and that I'm a lost case for him. Hope he don't give me up.
     
  2. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    My brother killed himself because he thought he was a burden to our family. He was so wrong. I have been crying for the past two months thinking about him. And wishing I had told him the right words to prevent his suicide. My brother was delusional. He thought we hated him. I love him with all my heart. I have been buying books on communicating with passed loved ones. I cry in public sometimes because I can't help it. I have to go to a survivor group this saturday. I know my bro doesn't want to see me hurting like this. But the tears sometimes come pouring out. I will be listeing to music that played at our restaurant or watch a movie we saw and I miss him so much. I dreamt that I hugged him. I had three dreams of him in one week.

    My father was really mad at my bro before he died. My mother kept telling she didn't have time to talk to him. Now we all regret it. There is a part of them that loves you under all of it. They just don't know it yet.
     
  3. Aether

    Aether Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I can relate to many things you said, and know how exhausting and devastating is to depend on others, and always feel like you're a burden to everyone and believe that they're going to reject you. But many times it's simply not true ! Our minds are taking over our rationality.
    Take care and remember that we're here for you..
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    It seems like there is common ground when people feel suicidal. Like being a burden and delusional that nobody likes them. I'm terrified with actually really killing myself this time but I just want to be unconscious so I can escape from the pain of living. It's a personal decision that affects everybody who loves them. It's our brain playing tricks on us, and I hope God will forgive us for acting out because of our depression and mental illness. Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry for your tragedy of losing your brother.
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I'm frustrated dealing with my mood swings and when night falls, I get depressed and suicidal. I don't have anyone to offer support during my dark and difficult times except venting out in this forum. I want you all to know how much your responses play a major role in keeping me safe and I appreciate all your feedback. Thank you everyone!
     
  6. Aether

    Aether Well-Known Member

    This forum can help when you go through bad moods, and there are people here that really want to help.
    Don't give up! You can PM me if you want to talk..
     
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