I had a plan but it was too scary to contemplate. Isolating a lot. No friends, but I haven't made the effort to make any friends. Just didn't want attachment and then rejected. Don't want to take risks in life. No goals. No purpose. Wish I never survived. It would be much simpler. Group is exhausting me. Not enough sleep for 3 days now. Very moody and tearful. Want to go to the hospital but then I can't pay my bills unless I call them in. That may be the only solution...to pay my bills while I'm in the hospital. Don't know which one to go to. Don't know if I need to go to the hospital. If I can apply my coping skills, maybe I don't have to go. No desire to do anything. Don't know what to do anymore. I'm just existing, not thriving. I have no interest to do anything unless I force myself to . I've been having paranoid delusions about my group members not liking me and are sick and tired of me sharing in group. Think people are talking behind my back. Some voices, but not much. Agitated, Irritable, anxious, depressed. My life is at a stand still. Extremely passive. I'm a burden to society. Living off taxpayers and government funds. So useless. No car sucks. So dependant on others. So needy. Just stuck here. Physical and mental pain. Difficulty making decisions. Opposing thoughts make me confused and frustrated. Not really want to die but get unconscious so I can escape from reality for awhile. Mornings start great but evening my depression overwhelms me. I'm very blessed to have a great social worker but hate to make him thing I'm not appreciating him and that I'm a lost case for him. Hope he don't give me up.