anniversary of my bro death

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by total eclipse, Oct 29, 2009.

  1. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It was hard knowing he called so many people for help noone cared
    his daughter called me i said he would be alright
    but he wasn't he had already did what he had to do
    the police didn't care either they didn't go check on him
    his own wife and daughter left him there to die
    i hate that he died all alone
    i hate nobody gave a shits ass nobody went to his help i was one of them
    i hate this but now he is not suffering not afraid not alone anymore but i hope he sees now how much he is missed and how sorry god im sorry i didn't hear or realize just how much pain there was there
    forgive me okay i was being selfish and didn't want anymore people to look after i thought your family would do that WRONG they just let you die
    I hope you are in a safe place now where you are only loved
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Violet :hug: we're for you if you need it.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun the anguish you are feeling must be terrible. I'm so sorry for your loss. But you have to stop being so hard on yourself. When a person makes that decision, it is theirs alone. You might of been able to save him physically. But it wouldnt of necessarily stopped the tremendous mental anguish he was going through. You have a life of your own that is taking a grand toll on you too. A child that needs you and your own personal issues. No one can look at you and say "why?" You did what you could. And please allow yourself comfort in knowing that he isnt suffering with his pain and thoughts any longer. I'm certain he knows he is missed and loved. Especially on the anniversaries, try to focus on the fun things that happened. That one silly incident or phrase that may have occurred that had you laughing til it hurt. Remember the quiet moments when you were a sister and brother to each other. But most of all remember that you love him. Here for you if you need a shoulder hun.
  4. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry to hear that...thats so sad
    however, u didnt know he 'll do that...nobody knows
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i have been trying to keep busy just out in the yard with my daughter filling stupid plastic pumpkin bags full of leaves It was something to do together. We filled them to take to my sisters new house to decorate it for her. The pain god i am glad he is not suffering this pain but he was still needed here as i am.
    I have been struggling all day deciding my best options I know there are no words to take this pain away i know that There is only one way this pain will go away. I want to stop everything the therapy everything no way out of all this no way Back to trying to stay busy got to go put some supper on see my twin tonight I work all weekend everything seems pointless today
    Thanks for your advice and for just caring life goes on weather i want it to or not it just goes on and on and i am not the one to chose when it ends but god i hate this dam sadness i hate this so much Be grateful i have my twin and daughter safe right see the positives see the positives.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am mad at him leaving me here to deal with all this. Why does he get to chose to be out of pain why does he get to go. i don't want to be here but iam
    it is what it is keep saying that dam it i tried to call therapist today 3 times i called and each time i hung up the phone. noone can help me noone.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It's alright to feel anger. But remember to try and remember the goods times as a way to let go of the anger. It's hard to feel like you've been left behind or alone. And it may never go away completely but it does get a little better with time.
  8. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: I'm sorry to hear of your pain. At the end of the day we can't take control of things we don't know are happening. Your brother had a family for support so you stepped back, there's nothing wrong with that. That's all you knew about the situation - you weren't to know more. As for his family not helping, sometimes, there's only so much someone can do. Sometimes, regardless of how much love someone is given, they can still be in pain and the depression digs deep and it can be so hard to get out of. I'm not sure if I'm helping at all, I just don't want you to feel any blame, because you don't deserve to. x
  9. TaraB3ar

    TaraB3ar Well-Known Member

    I agree with the other posts that say its not your fault. you couldn't have known. to know he had pain and was suffering does not mean you had the power to stop it. you had the power to love him, and you obviously did and still do. im sorry you are hurting now, try to stay strong. you have a lot of support here for when its too hard to be strong. we can all hold each other up :)
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    the point is he didn't call me because he knew i ignored him for some reason
    i don't get it myself but i just couldn't i just didn't stay close to him
    i let him down if maybe i reached out more to him he would have called me
    You don't understand i wasn't in his life anymore near the end he felt isolated he felt alone but i just couldn't reach out to him. I ignored the signs i did not care it seems. His family they let him die they should have helped him
    I have so many ambivilent feelings but your right if i did save him that night maybe he would have done the same another night. Why does this family have to suffer so much It seems no matter how hard one tries their past never leaves them their past haunts and destroys whatever happiness they managed to fight to get I want to call my therapist and say i have had enough now i want to go away I am sorry you have all been so helpful thanks for caring I am okay i have to be i always have to be because i can't let anymore down ican't let anyone else feel like he did. Oh some day will be my day to rest but not everything is in place yet. Still things to do to make sure theyall have support they need. when will all this go away the dam past the dam feelings of being nothing i want it all to go away oh god sorry just rambling now I am okay thanks will go get a warm bath and try to get some sleep the day is almost over tomorrow is another one. thank you all