Next weekend is the anniversary of my mum's suicide 3 years ago. I'm dreading it. She had bipolar 1, which I inherited, and was in a mixed phased when she took her own life. Every day I just want to do the same thing. i'm not afraid of dying, just botching it up. She was such a great person, everybody says so, when she was well. She could be hell to live with when she was ill but I would put up with all that just to have her back. I always feel that I was too much of a burden for her to cope with. Ive been in and out of psych wards since I was 17 when I was diagnosed with bipolar 1, and I know this stressed her out so much. I just want the pain to go away, I'm so good at putting on the happy face to my friends and family as talking to them about the illness is a non-starter - they freeze if I mention it. I guess it makes them scared that I'll go the same way as mum, in fact I think they expect me to kill myself, they just wonder when. No-one else in my family has mental problems, only me. I feel isolated and alone.