anniversary.........

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shazwackers, May 19, 2010.

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  1. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    Next weekend is the anniversary of my mum's suicide 3 years ago. I'm dreading it. She had bipolar 1, which I inherited, and was in a mixed phased when she took her own life. Every day I just want to do the same thing. i'm not afraid of dying, just botching it up.

    She was such a great person, everybody says so, when she was well. She could be hell to live with when she was ill but I would put up with all that just to have her back.

    I always feel that I was too much of a burden for her to cope with. Ive been in and out of psych wards since I was 17 when I was diagnosed with bipolar 1, and I know this stressed her out so much.

    I just want the pain to go away, I'm so good at putting on the happy face to my friends and family as talking to them about the illness is a non-starter - they freeze if I mention it. I guess it makes them scared that I'll go the same way as mum, in fact I think they expect me to kill myself, they just wonder when. No-one else in my family has mental problems, only me. I feel isolated and alone.
     
  2. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Please don't kill yourself, sweetheart! You are strong to have gone through the other anniversaries, and you will be strong towards this one too =-) ! It would be very unfortunate to your family If you were lost too. I'm sorry about your mom's death. But, I'm sure your family will be distressed if you died too, and I'm sure your own mother wants you to live ! Please don't believe you were a burden to her, because that's a belief you've come up with. You, nor anyone, is a burden! Your mother is In heavan, and I think she thinks well of you. =-) Don't feel isolated or lonely about being the only person In your family with a mental Illness. It is just something that differs you from everyone. You may be the only one in the household with it, but you're not the only one In the world! I think your disorder will decrease as you grow, and this pain you feel will eventually perish if you work hard at it! You just have to have strong belief It will! Please live for the love of your family and everyone else too, sweetheart! We love you! =-)
     
  3. despairguy

    despairguy Active Member

    I really don't know what to say in ur case, coz it's actually the first time I hear one of these. But I do can advice in the last part.
    Usually when ppl feel down, alone, and isolated they tend to close themselves even more to other ppl. Now I know u r not weak because u know what's really affecting u, as well as the factors involved.. I think u just need a little push. My advice is to go out make some friends and find support on them, give urself a chance to be happy with friends and forget problems for a while, i know it's easy to say, but I'm sure that if u find motivation in my words u'll find it easier to go on with that new life. Just hold on a lil bit more and.. try.
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear about your mother. I hope that it is not to hard to put on the happy face during this time.

    I think in every family there is the isolated person. I know I am isolated in my family. While all my siblings and cousins are off talking about their social exploits I sit there and listen. While they talk about how they handle relationships, I sit and listen. While they talk about any aspect of their life I sit there and listen, unable to relate. It has gotten to the point of where they do not even ask me for my opinion any more. It is really annoying, so I can relate to feeling isolated.

    Now that my rambling is done, I will leave you with this. Yes you inherited something from your mom. However, you are not your mom. Just remember that you have your own experience with this problem. This experience is different, so it will end differently.

    Feel better.
     
  5. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    I am SO sorry you have to go through this. :sad:

    Reading that sent chills down my spine. I have been alone with this for so long. My mum also took her own life when I was 13. Umm, I want to tell you that the pain goes away but it just gets slightly duller with each passing year. I am now 31 years old. People keep telling me to "get over it" or they wont talk about it at all with me because it makes them uncomfortable. I don't think it's something you ever completely get over.
    There have been great times in my life since, however and I am SURE as all hell that your mum would not want you to have the same fate.

    Family gatherings are a mess. It's all hush hush.
    I was very hard to handle as a kid. I felt for a long time it was my fault and that if only I had been a better kid. But that's just it, I was just a KID and she was not mentally well. The combination just didn't work out. You are who you are and don't try and think if you had been different things may have turned out a different way because there is no telling if it would. I found out about 2 years ago that my mom tried to kill herself once before I was born. It was just the mental illness hun, nothing you could have done differently would have helped. My Nanna said that I was the reason she lived as long as she did.
    No one else in my family has admitted to mental illness so I am the only one too. You are very strong to have gone through that and I hope you can remain strong to go through another one.

    Please PM me if you want to talk.
    When you are feeling really down about the pain of it, try and think of the good times with your mum. I know it's hard and that in itself is sad but that's what kept me going.

    :console:
     
  6. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I feel so invisible to my family too........when Im stable they want to know me but when I'll ill which is often they cut me dead, and they never visit me when I am in hospital, not even if it is for a few months. 8 months is the longest stay in a psych ward. All of my brothers and sisters are in good stable long-term relationships, which is great, but adds to my loneliness.

    I see a mh careworker twice a week and one is due this morning. I'll try and talk about it with whoever it is. If I tell them the truth; that I want to die, they'll want me to consider hospital, and I couldn't bear that. I've been in hospital for the last 2 anniversary's and the past 2 christmases. If I could see that things were slowly getting better then I might have some hope, but I feel as raw as I did 3 years ago.........thanks very much for your replies guys........
     
  7. toffeekitten

    toffeekitten Well-Known Member

    hey, just sending my love and sympathy :hugs: xxxx
     
  8. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I saw my careworker today but couldn't really tell her how I was feeling. I told her I felt suicidal, and she suggested I meet with my psychiatrist this afternoon for an assessment for hospital, but I said no. Hospital is not the answer. My meds are always being tweaked and thats all hospital can do really.

    I am beyond hospital, I've not been out for days, don't want to. Friends want to meet me tomorrow but I don't feel able to get on public transport. I feel lonely and isolated, although some of it is my own doing. Where do I go from here, I feel rock bottom?
     
  9. toffeekitten

    toffeekitten Well-Known Member

    aww hun I really feel for you! :hug: I understand, Im shutting people out too. the only way you can go is up, even though it seems impossible right now! my head is too messed up to give advice right now, but I care and I'm here for you xxx
     
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