Anorexia advice. I need support to support someone

[Lestat]

Hi, I'm in a relationship with someone with anorexia and it's so difficult. I'm unsure of what to say or how to help. It's so confusing. It's like all of my logical thinking is useless as this isn't a logical condition.

Shes seriously one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen and I so desperately don't want to see her get worse or damage herself more.
Shes been anorexic 3+ years. But right now she's wanting to lose too much weight thinking she's chubby when in reality she's super thin. Her reality isn't mine or anyone else's.

But, I want to be a support to her, I don't want to push her away and give the advice that everyone else does and that just upsets her.

I'm learning every day that this isn't as straightforward as I thought. It's a minefield of triggers and me controlling my speech on some subjects.

If anyone has advice or experience I'd love to know.

She might also have some personality disorder, I'm not sure. It could just be related to the anorexia. It's difficult most days to just get her into a state where she can talk in a happy way.

She doesn't want help rn, but I think she wants my help, but I have no idea how start. How do you when she doesn't believe she's already thin? How can I help without pushing her away?
All my instincts are of no use here...

 

[MidlifeMeltdown]

Extreme behavior in many can be a reaction to something in the past. I would figure out when it started and then what might have triggered her and go from there.

 

[Lestat]

Extreme behavior in many can be a reaction to something in the past. I would figure out when it started and then what might have triggered her and go from there.

I know what it was that caused it... Or at least was a major cause.
But knowing this doesn't help me. I can't change it. Its happened. It was sexual abuse when she was young.

We've talked about it, but I don't know how it can help? Maybe I just don't understand?

 

[MidlifeMeltdown]

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry she went through that. I believe this is serious and could use some professional help, as well as your love and support.

 

[Lestat]

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry she went through that. I believe this is serious and could use some professional help, as well as your love and support.

Sadly she won't get help. I've tried. She has before, and I fear she might get to a bad point if she continues to lose more weight... But she won't get help as she does think she's chubby.

Without posting a picture of her, I just wish I could describe that she is thin and seriously beautiful. It's staggering that she can't see it and I just don't want to see her get worse in health.

 

[MidlifeMeltdown]

If she thinks she's chubby then try telling her that you both should maybe join a gym together and meet your fitness goals together and with proper nutrition. What might appeal to her is spending more time together through this process. Just a suggestion.

 

[Lestat]

If she thinks she's chubby then try telling her that you both should maybe join a gym together and meet your fitness goals together and with proper nutrition. What might appeal to her is spending more time together through this process. Just a suggestion.

Sadly working out is just used to burn more calories without eating. Just today she's only had half an apple and water with lemon.

This is a lot to do with control in her life.

I just wish I knew what to say.

 

[VioletDawn]

Eating disorders can be so complex. One big thing I hate is when people walk on eggshells around me which makes me feel like a freak, which in turn fuels negative self image which then feeds into the eating disorder. A huge thing with disorders like this is the desire to be able to control aspects of your life. It felt like the whole world was too hard and out of my control so my bulimia was the one thing I could control.. until I couldn't.

I don't know how to convince your girlfriend to seek help but in my experience if you focus only on the issue of weight and how she looks then it can make it worse rather than better. I was forced to deal with an eating disorder team who made it all about weight and bmi and used to bring scales to every meeting. I ended up a stone underweight in the short time I saw them.

I'm far from recovered but one thing I find helps me be more stable around food is if I can have healthy foods that are naturally low in calories but dense in nutrients. That way I feel like I'm eating "safe" food. Perhaps you could start cooking healthy meals together?

Not sure if any of that helps or not.

 

[MidlifeMeltdown]

Working out without eating is never a good idea, in addition fitness is not used to burn calories alone. As I mentioned with "proper nutrition" working out builds muscle.

 

[Lestat]

Eating disorders can be so complex. One big thing I hate is when people walk on eggshells around me which makes me feel like a freak, which in turn fuels negative self image which then feeds into the eating disorder. A huge thing with disorders like this is the desire to be able to control aspects of your life. It felt like the whole world was too hard and out of my control so my bulimia was the one thing I could control.. until I couldn't.

I don't know how to convince your girlfriend to seek help but in my experience if you focus only on the issue of weight and how she looks then it can make it worse rather than better. I was forced to deal with an eating disorder team who made it all about weight and bmi and used to bring scales to every meeting. I ended up a stone underweight in the short time I saw them.

I'm far from recovered but one thing I find helps me be more stable around food is if I can have healthy foods that are naturally low in calories but dense in nutrients. That way I feel like I'm eating "safe" food. Perhaps you could start cooking healthy meals together?

Not sure if any of that helps or not.

Thank you. That's actually really good advice. I can see a lot of similar things you said in her. I love the part about the foods. She counts every calorie.
She loves cooking and looking at food, but doesn't normally eat it.

Today she showed me what she was eating. Apple and lemon water. How should I respond? I feel like I did respond wrong. I said something like "good. I support you and I'm happy you're eating something" but then she said "oh. I thought you'd be mad. Thank you"
I think I was meant to be mad that she was eating barely anything, but I was happy she was just eating. Now I fear she thinks I'm supporting her new idea to lose more weight. I explained I'm not, but I messed up.

How do I support her, but not support her anorexia? How do I say "eat more" or "that's not enough"?

 

[Lestat]

Working out without eating is never a good idea, in addition fitness is not used to burn calories alone. As I mentioned with "proper nutrition" working out builds muscle.

I know. She does. But that isn't good to her.

 

[VioletDawn]

Perhaps you could suggest making something with apples since she's eating those. Even just baked apple with cinnamon. There's no extra calories but it gives a different taste and may help her get more willing to experiment with different food.

 

[Lestat]

Perhaps you could suggest making something with apples since she's eating those. Even just baked apple with cinnamon. There's no extra calories but it gives a different taste and may help her get more willing to experiment with different food.

That's kinda funny, this is what we do cook.

 

[VioletDawn]

That's great that you do that already. Why not try adding new fruit and vegetable dishes? I'd also suggest just adding one thing at a time so your girlfriend can feel comfortable with what she's eating. For me, it's about finding ways to make food positive and safe rather than seeing it as the enemy. If you can help her get excited about food then it might help spark a change in her thinking. I'm not going to lie.. it's a slow process for me. If I try to "recover" too fast it all gets too much and I relapse. I find tiny changes work best as they don't seem as threatening to me.

One weird thing that really helped me.. and admittedly this is going to sound really weird.. was I started watching mukbang (eating) videos on YouTube. Specifically, a lady called Yuka Kinoshita. At first I liked watching someone getting to eat all the things I couldn't have. Then something in me started to shift. At first I didn't notice it but something about how excited she is about the foods she eats made me feel more comfortable about food in general. That may help or it may make it much worse so I'm hesitant to tell you to give that a go but I thought I'd put it out there anyway.

 

[Lestat]

That's great that you do that already. Why not try adding new fruit and vegetable dishes? I'd also suggest just adding one thing at a time so your girlfriend can feel comfortable with what she's eating. For me, it's about finding ways to make food positive and safe rather than seeing it as the enemy. If you can help her get excited about food then it might help spark a change in her thinking. I'm not going to lie.. it's a slow process for me. If I try to "recover" too fast it all gets too much and I relapse. I find tiny changes work best as they don't seem as threatening to me.

One weird thing that really helped me.. and admittedly this is going to sound really weird.. was I started watching mukbang (eating) videos on YouTube. Specifically, a lady called Yuka Kinoshita. At first I liked watching someone getting to eat all the things I couldn't have. Then something in me started to shift. At first I didn't notice it but something about how excited she is about the foods she eats made me feel more comfortable about food in general. That may help or it may make it much worse so I'm hesitant to tell you to give that a go but I thought I'd put it out there anyway.

Thank you. She does watch some mukbang. I haven't, it's not my thing... But saying that I think I will now. Maybe it'll work.

Shes not a stupid person. Rather clever actually. It's just with her own image she's completely in a different reality. I'm amazed as it seems so alien to me. I know this is me projecting and right now I'm focusing on myself... But I truly see the most beautiful person and it pains me she can't see that or anything close. I don't want her to hurt and I don't want her to be more damaged than she already sadly is. Do you think my overwhelming need to protect her and look after her might harm her as maybe I'm just not hard enough on her? Some people I know say this... But they have no experience in this (like me).

If you know of anything I can read I'd love to know.

 

[Lestat]

Oh, and thank you so much.

 

[VioletDawn]

I don't think you need to feel like you should be taking charge of the situation by being hard on your girlfriend as that would take control away rather than empower her. As you say, she's an intelligent individual. I can hear how much you care and how desperately you want to help her but try not to see her as damaged. It's more that our brains are a bit out of alignment. I'm sure knowing that you're there to support her makes a huge difference. This is just my view point but I think the best way to approach the situation (as well as gently suggesting she have a chat with the doctor) would be to help her find her own way to healthier solutions. After all, she has to find what works for her so that it's sustainable.

I haven't got any books or literature that I've used personally in this journey. I've very much had to figure a lot of things out by myself but maybe something on this website might be helpful to you:
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/downloadable-resources

 

[may71]

Agree that doing some research about eating disorders and anorexia in particular might help.

You might be able to see a counselor who specializes in eating disorders to get some advice too.

I hope that something can help

 

[Nick]

This is a lot to do with control in her life.

This right here, it being about control is an excellent observation. In most cases, eating disorders are not about food. There is so much more to it than that. I would suggest trying not to focus on food. It's agitating when people comment on what you eat, don't eat or that you should eat. It makes the anxiety worse. Have food she likes available and offer it to her, but don't make a bit deal about it. I would also caution against commenting to much about her looks. When someone says to me "looks like you've lost weight" or "you look skinny" my mind goes ... damn I KNEW I was fat this controlled eating is working. Find ways to compliment her that don't focus on how she looks. Be available to talk about the root cause, if she is willing and ready. That's just the thoughts of someone with a long standing unhealthy relationship with food.

 

[Lestat]

This right here, it being about control is an excellent observation. In most cases, eating disorders are not about food. There is so much more to it than that. I would suggest trying not to focus on food. It's agitating when people comment on what you eat, don't eat or that you should eat. It makes the anxiety worse. Have food she likes available and offer it to her, but don't make a bit deal about it. I would also caution against commenting to much about her looks. When someone says to me "looks like you've lost weight" or "you look skinny" my mind goes ... damn I KNEW I was fat this controlled eating is working. Find ways to compliment her that don't focus on how she looks. Be available to talk about the root cause, if she is willing and ready. That's just the thoughts of someone with a long standing unhealthy relationship with food.

Thank you. I didn't really think about this. I know its about control... But I didn't think about not talking about the food and weight.
I think when she was being abused her weight was all she had control over. I guess it stuck with her as it brings in attention as she looks beautiful and gets attention.

So for the last few days she's had around 100 calories. She's very tired and nauseous.
She likes to blog about it on some social media for groups that think like she does.

It kills me to read it. Seeing this beautiful girl who I deeply care about hurt herself and damage herself when she doesn't need to for any reason.