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another bad day

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well i saw my gp today. my life consists of bloody appointments for this that or the other. he has increased my meds. im jut fed up i feel like im fighting a losing battle. i told him i cant do this anymore he said i can, i told him im done he said im not, i told him i should be over this by now he said not really everyone is different its what makes me special. special what shit is that? is that a fancy way of saying a complete headcase. well i cant do this anymore i just cant. i love my husband so much but he would be much better off without me we barely talk never mind anything else. a coupe months ago when crisis team and gp asked me what stops me i answered in case i survived. now though i know id do it right and the only thing that stops me is the thought of my husband finding my body. it woud kill him but then i think well i dont care i wont be here anyway but then feel really guilty. im so confused i just cant see a way out of this hole im in.
Sorry you are having a bad day. Going to all the doctors we are supposed to is a real pain in the neck. I hate it. Takes up so much of my time. I don't know about you but it seems I just get one thing sorted and I have to start fixing some other thing.
What is "the hole" you are in that you cant see a way out of ? The medical issues? Or are there lots of things that are getting on top of you?
There is a chance that the increase in your meds will make you feel a bit better in a week. GPs always seem to give meds at the lowest dose at first, I assume to save money, but some of us really need a good high dose to work on our brains, I know I do, I am on the max but I want a higher dose really, I take paroxetine.

If you can stick it out a week or two and see if the meds actually work for you, though I know when you feel like walking death, 2 weeks seems like an eternity.
oh just my whole life really. i cant cope with anything. and yeah i now what you mean by everytime one thing is sorted another needs fixing. its lie im going round in circles all the time im my head i want to give up but then thin of my husband and what it would do to him and then feel guilty and want to die because he would be better off without me anyway he wouldnt have to wory anymore then it starts all over again. i get really angry at my dad for what im going through now then geel guilty as it was ultimatly my fault anyway and this is the least i deserve then i want to die to see him again and so on it goes round and round in my head all the time. i cant deal with nothing and it angers me because i did fine for the first two years after he killed himself, why cant i just be lie then and pretend it didnt happen it was a much simpler time i just want to scream


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I am sorry for your loss and can tell you are still grieving. I hope things turn around for you soon. PM if you would like to. kmj221


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I've been trying to stay positive for the last few weeks, it's so hard some days. Particularly the weekends. Only been on meds two weeks and they really helped at beginning. Almost hoping for an incurable disease. Giving myself until mid April to fix things.
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