another birthday and what have i done?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by taranama, Feb 3, 2008.

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  1. taranama

    taranama Well-Known Member

    well....i'll tell you. nothing.

    today is my 21st birthday, and what have i got to show for it?

    about 150 cuts and scars all over my body..arms, legs, stomach sides.....thats not exactly a great thing huh?

    then, my social life? my circle of friends is falling apart in front of my eyes. everyone seems to be fighting with everyone else, but not openly, behind their backs and i'm pretty sure its my fault, i've been spending too much time with one of my friends, Joe, (who we'll get back to) and everyone else seems to be jealous of that. especially one of our close friends, Enda, who seems so jealous he can't talk to us most of the time. my room-mates have completely disowned me, and ask me what am i doing home when i do go. see.. Joe is my closest friend and i don't know what i'd do without him. it's almost painful sometimes. i'm in love with Joe. i don't ever want to be without him. but the worst thing is that its completely unrequited. i know he doesn't love me like that even though we've fooled around once or twice, nothing is ever going to come of it. it breaks my heart every time i look at him. like right now.

    My parents are divorced since i was 10, my mother told me over and over again as a child that she never loved me, i was a mistake and my brother is so much better than me. he's 3 years older than me and is so infinitely better than me its scary. he has a highly paid job and doesn't give a shit about anyone else. he lives with my mother. My dad is good to me, but by obligation i think. he has a girlfriend and another family that i'm welcomed into during the holidays, but even then its begrudgingly, i know that they'd all rather if i wasn't there. they feel like they have to tiptoe around me and it makes me feel...."special"..haha...not in a good way...lol..

    i'm 21 and i have a sever SH problem
    i'm 21 and in college, possibly failing, i wont know until tomorrow.
    i'm 21 and completely in love with my best friend.
    i'm 21 and all my friends who are almost my family are falling apart
    i'm 21 and have no real family unit i can turn to when i need emotional support
    i'm 21 and i'm a failure.
     
  2. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    You deserved to give yourself a better birthday present.

    Happy birthday

    You are obviously a very nice person, so you are not a failure, you shouldn't say that. You need to try to get some help for the way you're feeling, from a doctor or from a friend. It helps to talk to somebody. Don't judge yourself, life can be cruel but there are reasons to live if we look deep enough.

    You can get through these dark times, there is always hope, you just have to hang on.

    Things can get better, but you are the one that needs to make things happen.

    I hope things get better for you, take care
     
  3. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Happy Birthday!
    Dont be so hard on yourself...

    I know exatcly how you feel... But stay strong... i beleive in you and every self harmer on this board!
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's a bit late but Happy Birthday.

    Don't give up. You've still got your closest friend with you. Explain to your other friends that your not ignoring them. Things will get better, try to look at things with a level head and with some logic. Like your mother saying the things she has said. Ok, well that's her opinion, doesn't mean it's true.
     
  5. lilella44

    lilella44 Well-Known Member

    at least you have friends.
     
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