another close call...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by purpleAPY, Oct 26, 2010.

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  1. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    today i was sitting in my room, writing down some thoughts in a notebook, and i suddenly had a really strong urge to swallow an entire bottle of tylenol in my room and wash it down with all the liquor i could find in the freezer.

    i thought about it pretty hard... two of my roommates were home, but they were in the other room, and my other roommate was out of the apartment. i knew my other two roommates wouldnt notice anything, if anything they would think i was sleeping but probably wouldnt question it.

    i didnt even think of how my roommate would react when she came home... i didnt really care.

    the only thing that stopped me was the fact that i was pretty sure i'd heard that ODing on tylenol is a really painful/slow process and i wouldnt want to put myself through all that.

    it was terrifying though... i mean, ive stopped myself twice now, but what about next time? will anything stop me then?
    its especially scary that the fact that people were right in the next room didnt really stop me or anything....

    im just really scared, and i dont want to talk to anyone, not even my therapist... i feel like ive gone backwards, like i cant talk to my roommate anymore, i cant talk to my therapist, i cant talk to my friends... i feel like my roommate is tired of me talking to her and i know its stressing her out and she hasnt asked me how i am in a while so im assuming she doesnt want me to talk to her anymore... so im not... but thats also causing me to close up to everyone else as well...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    it is hard to talk to people around you because they do become uncomfortable not knowing how to react. The best thing to do is call someone you won't be judged by crisis line kind listens and cares You need to tell therapist as well how else will you get well open up now before it does get worse okay tell your doctor so you can start to heal.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you're going through a tough time right now. It may take some effort to talk to your therapist, but it may help.

    hopefully you can be forgiving to your roommate. she has done a lot and been very caring, it may be that she's just tired now and needs a break.

    if you can, try to put more people in your support network and kind of spread things around so that no one person gets overwhelmed.

    if it's really too much (and it sounds like you are getting dangerously close to making an attempt) it would probably be best just to go to the hospital.
  4. jlc20m

    jlc20m Well-Known Member

    [/QUOTE] if it's really too much (and it sounds like you are getting dangerously close to making an attempt) it would probably be best just to go to the hospital.[/QUOTE]

    Agreed!!!! Sometimes, all we can do is get to a safe place. There is no shame in asking for help.

  5. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    im really REALLY against going to a hospital.
    maybe it'll help but right now i really dont want to, the idea of being pulled away from where i am now is scary, the idea that i would need to go to a hospital scares me so bad i dont want to even consider it or think it might be necessary.

    i talked to one of my roommates about all this and she told me that in her opinion, it seemed like i was still doing okay, like she assured me that i can talk to her at any time and she said that based on how ive been acting it seems like i still have enough control and it doesnt look like i would necessarily need to go to the hospital, especially if i really dont want to.

    she did tell me that if i ever seem like im really not okay, even if i claim i am, or tell them i dont want to go to a hospital, she told me that she would definitely send me, so i know that she and my other roommates are looking out for me.

    but like... right now, i feel like shit, and my roommate is literally sitting like 2 feet away from me doing homework and i cant bring myself to talk to her...
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am glad your roommates care if she is doing homework then maybe try listening to some music for awhile okay until she is not busy
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm really glad that your room mate is there for you, that's going to help you a lot. It would be better though if, right at this moment, you talk to a professional. Part of the reason that you can't talk to your roommate is because you probably feel guilty doing it. She's doing her homework and you'll be disturbing her and you don't feel good opening up. If you phone a crisis line, you'll be able to speak openly. They don't know you and you don't know them. It's remarkably liberating to talk to a complete stranger that you'll never meet. Plus they're actually waiting to talk to people like us, we're not disturbing them when we ring.
    Phone them, or talk on here. You'll feel better afterwards.
  8. BrokenSpirit

    BrokenSpirit Active Member

    ODing on tylenol is both hard to do and extremely painful, why do you feel the urge to OD? I want to talk and I want to listen, PM me if you like.
  9. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    i dont even know how to explain how i feel right now...
    im going to pittsburgh tomorrow for halloween weekend, with all my friends... ive been all excited about it for weeks, but right now.... i just dont want to do anything, i just feel sad, i dont care about the weekend, i almost wish i wasnt going because then i could sit home all weekend in bed.

    i know this weekend will be a good distraction, but i dont even want a distraction anymore... i keep distracting myself and keeping myself happy and ignoring all these thoughts but then when they come back i just dont know what to do.

    im nervous something will happen while im away and i wont have any support from the people im going to be with because they dont know whats going on. i know i can always call my roommates or something but still, its hard to be away from home when shit is bad... i dunno im just really anxious about it
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    It's horrible when you get to that stage isn't it? I hate it. It's the illness of course and you've got to ride it out.
    Think about what you've written up there though. Particularly this bit:

    You keep distracting yourself and keeping yourself happy. This is a major achievement and you should be so proud of it. It can take people years to learn how to do that.
    Yes, the feelings and thoughts come back but that's what happens with this illness. The important bit is that for a while at least you keep distracting yourself and keeping yourself happy.
    You've done it, which means you can do it again. Yay!
    Yes, it's hard to be away from home when you're in this mood. You want to stay home and stay in bed and who can blame you. If you do that though, you're just going to brood and make things worse. Far better to do the distraction thing.
    Yes something may happen but then again it might not. Good things might happen instead. You might have a really good time.
    Plus, if you do panic then there are things you can do. You can phone someone and get them to talk you down. You're not totally without support.
    You are bound to be anxious, the various seratonin levels etc in your brain are a bit out of sync and whereas another person will react with anticipation, you're reacting with anxiety. Ride it out, it will go away. Remind yourself that you won't be feeling anxious about it this time next week.
    It's so difficult to be in this state and I really feel for you. Sending lots of hugs. Use your skills at distraction and go and enjoy Halloween x
  11. BrokenSpirit

    BrokenSpirit Active Member

    I know life can be hard when the thoughts and feelings just invade. I was suicidal..or rather contemplating becoming becoming suicidal just a few days ago. I was suicidal several years ago and for about two minutes I succeeded..just before they restarted my heart. I have ODed, I have cut and I am living with the results of those attempts. From garish scarring on my arms that left me hideous to scarring on my liver and kidneys, I made a big mistake. Try finding a coping mechanism, mine is celtic music. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk.
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