and so i sit here alone again. i'm getting better at living in denial. i focus on incredibly small and insignifigant things in order to keep myself from thinking about the big things. those are just too much. my birthday just went passed and i had myself psyched up that i was going to finish it all on that day. i was happy for a while. then i went and did it again, i left myself a very small chance to not do it by telling myself that if i got a computer before my birthday i wouldn't do it. i figured that the channces of that happening are slim to none, so i felt safe making that deal with myself. then someone i know told me they needed to sell an old clunker computer they had 'cause they needed money. so i ended up buying it on my birthday and now i'm back here, after that day. so why aren't i happy? i'm still here and i have the internet again. because the memories and dreams are still here, too. i'm haunted in my dreams, someone i loved who died visits me in my dreams every night. i know rationally that it's just my mind making me have these dreams, but i also know when i wake up that they were real. i know that i sound really crazy telling this, but i swear it's true. or maybe not. who knows?