Another day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by expressive_child, Aug 20, 2007.

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  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    I guess its no surprise to feel suicidal or just wanting to die. But in a way, it sometimes felt worst sometimes it don't matter. Anyway, I look at it, I have almost made up my mind that sooner or later I will have to die. I am not sure what else to change anymore, 23 years now and the only thing that remains the same is the way I've always felt about life. I was at the park moments ago, the same park I always go to ever since I moved in here with my family back in 1990. I thought I want a little solitude but little did I expect, it triggers. I try not to hate myself for what I am, but I guess its too hard, if loving yourself is the most difficult person to love, then I guess its even more difficult not to hate yourself and damn right, I totally despise the way I am.

    When I look at teens hanging out in the park and little children playing with their parents and nannies and all, again, I feel jealous and I am depressed though I am no longer angry reminiscing the past. I feel like I should be going through what those teens and little kids were going through. And no matter how I try, I can't stop thinking of how things could have been and things like that, everything just reminds me of that and I feel like I am powerless in stopping it. I like to fantasize about how better my life would have been if only some things didn't happened and I know thats pathetic because I can't change that but I can't help but wanting to change it. I feel like the life of happy people belongs to me, that I should be living a life similar to theirs instead of mine.

    Why? Why? I am out of words yet I am desperate to release myself and I hate it because I know I have been talking too much now and nothing has changed. I can't make seem to make a new start anymore and everything look impossible and all that I do will end up in vain just like it always did. I really can't understand why else I am alive other than to go through this neverending heartache. I want to find a new job, something I am qualified for and I wouldn't mind doing hard labor if its not for my spinal problems, and my fragile shoulders. Talking about going back to college, I got no money and I can't be sure what do I wanna do in life anyways and with all of these psychological problems I am going through and my fucked up family, I don't think I can get through this.

    Friends? Forget it, I have none. Maybe online. Love? Too bad, I guess I have no luck in this no matter how much I yearn it. Family? Bullshit. Success? I don't know, I don't seem to have this drive to be successful in life and though I try to think like a successful person, but I can't defy the real me. And with all that I am facing now, I don't think I will make it. I keep thinking about one thing after another, trying to see if there is at least one spark of hope but seems like, they are all the same. This life is a waste. I can't understand why do I live if this is what I was meant to go through. I seem to hate everyone in real life because they are so unreal, in this world of ours, its almost 'essential' to pretend to be happy and I can't pretend anymore.

    I don't know, but I don't think I can endure anymore. Its not because I am jobless now and feel depressed, its because its been like this all the while, the same old feeling I get all the time, the same old hunger to escape from this pain and to find the easiest way out, and the answer remains the same. I just don't think I can live life being reminded of all the uninvited memories in my head constantly. I wanted to watch some movies just now, thought it would be fun, though it would be good to pass the time but all of a sudden, I feel despair and I feel like it don't serve the same purpose anymore. Nothing feels rational or normal no more and I guess nothing will change. If I was born 20 years earlier, maybe I still have a reason to believe true love can exist and someday things will be better, but not now. Not anymore.

    Maybe I have been lying to myself all the while about going on, about 'living for the fight if thats what we were meant for' (as I always said). Maybe its all hypocrisy, since I am on the verge of giving up myself. I just can't see the meaning anymore, not a slight hope. I guess I talk too much, I just don't know if it matters, maybe not anymore. I guess I can be sure of tomorrow now, at least...
     
  2. Broken forever

    Broken forever New Member

    I understand how you feel,Everyday I wake up feeling so much pain and I keep wondeing why i'm still hereI'm so broken on the inside and I don't see myself getting better.Ther is nothing that can take away what I'm feeling inside.I keep thinking that letting go is the best thing for me.I figure being dead is better than living with so much pain.Today I m letting go it's not worth me going on.
     
  3. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I feel the very same as you, generally. I have *a lot* of videogames, but I just don't have the interest to play them, anymore... I keep buying them, for the day I will feel otherwise, but that day never comes. Sometimes, when I've really put my mind into playing something, I start washing my hands, very well, so I won't cause my consoles, games or controllers to get filthy, but then, when I try to decide what to play, I realise all the games are just so boring. So I just go to bed, instead, despite my effort to get my hands clean. I remember many years ago, when me and a friend discussed the future, and I said I will never stop playing games. I was absolutely sure of this. Well, I basically have, now... I buy them, but barely play them, at all... it's always the same. Only finished one game of the many I've bought, in years. Although I was troubled as a child, already, I remember how fun it was, back then... but now, there is nothing but boredom. If not complete boredom, it's still dull.

    I know how hard it is, since I myself have made no progress, in it, but maybe you should move to a new city or town? Or at least your own apartment. I know it feels like a daunting task, and it is, but when you've managed to get some things done, like getting an apartment, things will be getting a little easier... when you see progress, like getting things into your apartment, it will become easier in the attempt to, with time, finalise it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2007
  4. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Well just fuck it all up. I guess its almost clear that everything won't work out anymore. I am just cheating myself to buy me more time on Earth and maybe I ain't ready to die yet or something like that. But now I can be sure thats what I wanted, just not right now. Sometimes I can't understand why things just can't be better. Its always been fucked up anyways..
     
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