Another Depression Sick Day

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, May 11, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Why do I keep doing this? I get really depressed the during the night, then I go off and call in sick the next day. Then I just lie around all day wallowing in my own self-hatred. I am going to get fired for taking at least one of these a month for the past couple of months. I just know it. Why because I hate myself and I want to die. I promised myself last month would be the last one. However, there I go again exaggerating. I promise myself I would not have a depression sick day until August because my company is catching onto me. Yet here I am.. and I will probably be here next month. Why do I do this? To be honest I don't know any more. Mostly because I am a loser who likes wallowing in his own self-hatred.

    That has all today has been. Me wallowing around in how much I suck because I lost a girl and cannot get a new one. Because here I am lying around wondering when the next time I will have a girl in my life is. So I do what any normal loser would do. I go to forums dedicated to that kind of stuff. However, I am greeted with hostility. I do not know what I am doing, and that is what I am shown. So I just get further depressed because I am so fucking pathetic that I cannot be helped so I recluse further into my room. I run around looking for advice on how to fix things. I do nothing of importance. I just lie around in the dark in my own depression. Till I have to eat.

    Then with my mind actively focusing on other crap, like driving. Then my anger boils over. I start getting angry at myself and everything around me. I find myself yelling in the car. Just yelling at myself at my last female friend at everything. I just lie around and yell, I yell and yell and yell some more. I yell till I get home, which is why I go on several hundred mile drives from time to time so I can keep yelling and yelling. Now I return home, and to what? My room, the dark smelly room.

    Now I am depressed and hopeless once again. I lie here seeing nothing but darkness for decades. The only light that I can see is death. Death will just get everything over with. Death will make me not feel and will remove the burden of me from everyone else. Everyone will go on live their happy lives. Everyone will begin to forget about me. Soon I will just be another statistic, no name, no age, no accomplishments. Just another person who killed themselves. Later I will think about how I can change.

    Yup my mood will swing over to one of semi-motivation. What can a guy who has no friends do to change? I will think first, hmmm well I could lose weight, that will make me feel better. Then I will think about how I can improve my confidence. How I can get outside and meet new people, primarily women. How I can get over the haunts of my life. I will get motivated start to create fantasies of how things will turn out the way I want them too. Then I will realize that all of those things are just fantasizes. I will start to crash again over and over again. The cycle does not end, the cycle will not end. I will just be miserable like this forever.

    I want to change, I want to be happy once again. I want to feel joy and satisfaction. I want to not be here in the dark writing out a long rant about how I hate life. I want to be out enjoying life with a girlfriend, enjoying being loved and loving someone back. I want to see life as something that is too short. However, I am just too fucking worthless to change. My wall is too large. My hatred of myself too powerful. The world hatred of me unconditional. I just want to end my life. Maybe I will take up smoking.. maybe I will drink myself to death. Maybe I will hang or be shot. Maybe I will be a victim of drunk driving. All of these fantasies look far more appealing than trying to rebuild myself. Thanks for the support, however all support breaks. I feel like such a burden to everyone here.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey FM.:hiya: .i can hear so much pain but still a glimmer of hope there....that's all it takes to turn things small step at a time...
    I used to do the same thing as you when I was in the workforce..I ended up working from home...
    I understand that hopeless feeling ..have you ever had CBT??? it really helps with those negative thoughts...
    how did you meet your last GF? maybe you could try that way again...hey you don't drink or smoke...that's 2 attributes to be proud of ...
    I don't know if you see a GP, have therapy , or ???
    I hope getting that rant out of your system helped....
    take care and hold on ok.....:hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @IV2010: It just feels like my feet are encased in lead.

    No never been to CBT. I do not know the first thing about finding any kins of therapist.

    I met her here... thus far I have not met another person near me. I don't even remember what I did to make her even like me.

    I do drink actually... just not very often. And I drink to get drunk... very drunk.

    What is a GP?

    It kind of helped but not really analyzing my behavior is a nice depressant for me.

    I will hold on I am too tired to try anything.
  4. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Maybe you should try look at why you feel the need to have a girl friend. The only reason I mention it is because it seems to be the pivitol part of this particular destructive cycle you are creating for yourself. You might find that by trying to fight this particular destructive cycle, you're chasing your own tail.

    I used to take sick days all the time, and i will. I know why I do it, atleast partly. My job(s) were never fullfilling. They were something I did not believe in and they did nothing to help me grow internally. Money is by no means a substitute for the content of using your own time wisely, so by having a shitty job that pays loads of money, it can be extremely emotionally draining, and after a few weeks I would refuse to go into work because I had to give myself the power to say I don't need to go there. If they fired me, I will have to adapt, but atleast I stood up for myself instead of taking the hit(s) and going into work. (my point of view is jumping from past to present to future, sorry)

    Anyhow, you might have alot of things to look at. For me, the hardest thing is finding out who I am, giving myself a chance to look for those questions I have but shy away from. To do the work to answer them, and to look for more and experince life without the symbolic need for another.

    You sound like you need to help yourself let go, of something that your past relationship might have given you, or atleast hinted to giving you. Whatever she gave you emotinally, can be found in yourself. But whatever that truly is, is something you are going to have to explore to find. Just wanted to say, there is more than one way to live and be happy. :)
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    youll need to want to change. dont make sf part of that cycle.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Blake: I am pretty sure I know why... trust me I don't like the reason.

    Right now my company has promised to move me around a little bit once I get my last major project. Which is scheduled to be done in July. Not that I believe them. All I know is that I need the money to continue living on my own.

    How does one let go of something so wonderful... I have tried to let go... I try to get angry at her... I try to find reasons to hate her. However, it feels like tearing off my own arm. I just don't know.. so close yet so far away... I just don't know... thanks for the advice.

    I want to change... I really do I am tired of this... I just don't have the courage. It feels hypocritical... I hate hypocrites and hypocritical actions. It is a terribly vicious cycle.... I just don't know how to break it.
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Please try not to miss work... the more often you decide not to go because you're upset- the lower you will sink.
    I ended up getting fired for being depressed at work last year and haven't felt up to finding a new job. It just makes things much harder to lose the habit of waking up and going to work every day.

    I found that working *more* often than I normally did would help me not to think about how fucking miserable I was. Now that I don't work-- I get to think about how unhappy I am, every waking moment of every day.

    I really do hope that you figure something out to ease your pain.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    a GP is your general practitioner -doctor..
    the doctor can help you find a therapist for cognitive behaviour therapy.....
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @IV2010: Nope don't have one of those, been meaning to get one... however just never have the drive since I do not get sick... other than my occasional depression days.

    @KittyGirl: Trust me I am trying not to miss work. It is hard when you hate your job though. I wish I loved my job, that way I could go in everyday and have something to look forward too. Right now I don't. I am definitely worried about getting fired. I am trying to push past it I really am.