Why do I keep doing this? I get really depressed the during the night, then I go off and call in sick the next day. Then I just lie around all day wallowing in my own self-hatred. I am going to get fired for taking at least one of these a month for the past couple of months. I just know it. Why because I hate myself and I want to die. I promised myself last month would be the last one. However, there I go again exaggerating. I promise myself I would not have a depression sick day until August because my company is catching onto me. Yet here I am.. and I will probably be here next month. Why do I do this? To be honest I don't know any more. Mostly because I am a loser who likes wallowing in his own self-hatred. That has all today has been. Me wallowing around in how much I suck because I lost a girl and cannot get a new one. Because here I am lying around wondering when the next time I will have a girl in my life is. So I do what any normal loser would do. I go to forums dedicated to that kind of stuff. However, I am greeted with hostility. I do not know what I am doing, and that is what I am shown. So I just get further depressed because I am so fucking pathetic that I cannot be helped so I recluse further into my room. I run around looking for advice on how to fix things. I do nothing of importance. I just lie around in the dark in my own depression. Till I have to eat. Then with my mind actively focusing on other crap, like driving. Then my anger boils over. I start getting angry at myself and everything around me. I find myself yelling in the car. Just yelling at myself at my last female friend at everything. I just lie around and yell, I yell and yell and yell some more. I yell till I get home, which is why I go on several hundred mile drives from time to time so I can keep yelling and yelling. Now I return home, and to what? My room, the dark smelly room. Now I am depressed and hopeless once again. I lie here seeing nothing but darkness for decades. The only light that I can see is death. Death will just get everything over with. Death will make me not feel and will remove the burden of me from everyone else. Everyone will go on live their happy lives. Everyone will begin to forget about me. Soon I will just be another statistic, no name, no age, no accomplishments. Just another person who killed themselves. Later I will think about how I can change. Yup my mood will swing over to one of semi-motivation. What can a guy who has no friends do to change? I will think first, hmmm well I could lose weight, that will make me feel better. Then I will think about how I can improve my confidence. How I can get outside and meet new people, primarily women. How I can get over the haunts of my life. I will get motivated start to create fantasies of how things will turn out the way I want them too. Then I will realize that all of those things are just fantasizes. I will start to crash again over and over again. The cycle does not end, the cycle will not end. I will just be miserable like this forever. I want to change, I want to be happy once again. I want to feel joy and satisfaction. I want to not be here in the dark writing out a long rant about how I hate life. I want to be out enjoying life with a girlfriend, enjoying being loved and loving someone back. I want to see life as something that is too short. However, I am just too fucking worthless to change. My wall is too large. My hatred of myself too powerful. The world hatred of me unconditional. I just want to end my life. Maybe I will take up smoking.. maybe I will drink myself to death. Maybe I will hang or be shot. Maybe I will be a victim of drunk driving. All of these fantasies look far more appealing than trying to rebuild myself. Thanks for the support, however all support breaks. I feel like such a burden to everyone here.