another depression story

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Hello all. You can call me John if you like. Im 23 years old,and have been depressed on/off since 14 years old.I'm really getting to that stage where I just dont know where to go.

First off, I'll give you all a feel for my personality.During the daytime I go to work,and start off as a fake person,smiling,waving hi to everyone,always energetic.Yet I am really just quiet,annoyed by everyone,and everything. I just don't want it anymore.Theres nothing special about life.There really isent.I figure I've seen it all,and dont care.I do have a hard time socializing,and think that growing up in a violent traumatic childhood has made that possible.Its the classic story of father leaving the family,ignoring his children.Violent Stepfather step's in,etc.When I was 15/16 I started cutting myself,and stopped when i was 18.Yet I have picked up the habit again recently.

I dont think im strong enough emotionally to carry the hardships of Daily living. I have ignored all my friends in the past,and now do not have any. I'm content with being alone,yet I'm not.I'm a romantic at heart,but am hopeless with dating/relationships.There just isent anyone around that I find interesting,or see potential in. I met a girl not too long ago,we liked eachother,and messed around a bit.Then she told me about how guilty she felt,and how she was still in love with her Ex that she will be going back to since they have a history. I work with her,and its kind of hard seeing her around,knowing that I have been somewhat intimate with her,and now she won't even talk to me.Its like I've been erased.

Thats another thing that depresses me... is that I constantly see couples that have "Histories" of meeting eachother when they were teenagers,and they have stuck together for so long.So where was I when they were handing out those damned relationships? I havent had a history with anyone at all. I also feel very guilty about feeling suicidal/depressed because I know it is selfish.

Every night I hope that somehow I suffocate in my sleep or don't wake up at all.It just seems like the hardest thing in the world to get up out of bed,and do things.Im tired of family,and have been very distant from them.All I do is work,no school/college.I used to be interested in Acting,but never have enough money for classes,and easily get discouraged about that issue.Scored an 88 on the depression test.I have work tomorrow,and Just don't know how Im going to be able to do it.Having to walk in,and socialize like everything is okay for about 6-8 hours.Thanks for putting up with what I've typed so far,guys.Its all very negative, Im very negative.Dont know how else to be right now. I just don't want to wake up tomorrow.
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