Another Faceless Day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shattered Soldier, Feb 13, 2010.

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  1. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    Here I sit again, in my room, in front of the computer, doing nothing, waiting out the hour for when I can try to take my own life. There is so much uncertainty in my plan right now, everything has to fall together just right. I don't care if my method is flawed or that chances are that it won't even work, I'm at the end of my rope and feel like I just have to do something to change my life, something I've never tried before. Something that is thrilling and scary all at the same time. To keep it short and partially within the guidelines of this forum, I'm going to overdose just as soon as my pills come in the mail, and I bought an awful lot. The wait is killing me, the worry is nagging at me. The constant worry that my pills will be intercepted at the door by my parents, that they will think I'm using drugs again, that I will be kicked out of the house and will have to go to one of two alternate methods: one requiring a hose from my exhaust tank to my car window, the other is to risk being arrested at some set in the beautiful city of Camden as I blow the rest of my money on a drug I've only taken once before. This just sucks. I'm ready to leave, and I want to go now. Why the hell do I have to be so picky about my method?

    I got into a fight with my father last night. It was a good fight, and if I needed any more convincing that I should be gone from the earth, I definitely got it. I'm recently unemployed and unfortunately have to live with my parents at the ripe old age of 33. The unemployment thing really bothers by dad. He told me last night that I look like a person that has given up on life and that maybe I need another rock bottom in order to get my ass in gear. He's extremely worried about having to support me once I finally run out of money, but most of all he is sickened at the sight of my depression. Its a very tough and complicated situation with him and I. We never got along, and always had a different point of view on just about every philosophy and way of life. Yes, I am depressed and I show all the the traits of a clinically depressed person. According to him, its nothing that a little hard work and gainful employment cannot take care of. He says that I I don't show him some kind of hope soon, that I will be out on the streets, hitting my next rock bottom, and maybe that will be enough for me to get my life together. But I can't think straight, I can barely even see straight, the pressure of doing my own laundry sometimes feels like too much to handle. I told him that he will be surprised with what I come up with. I didn't want it to come to this. I don't want to kill myself to spite him or anyone else, but that seems like what it is coming down to. I don't think he remembers that I was hospitalized last month for suicidal depression, I don't think the thought has ever crossed his mind, maybe he thinks that my 3 day hospital stay cured me. All he can see himself as is my meal ticket. The enabler who allows me to sit in my room all day unemployed while he goes out to work a stressful job that he loathes.

    If you want more info about this whole thing, read "my seasons in the abyss". I accidentally set it up as a poll so I think it chased alot of would be readers away, but that post is my suicide note, and those exact words will be showing on my computer screen when I am finally allowed to make this attempt.

    I am so bored and anxious today that I just feel like writing. I really don't need any advice. I've tried just about everything to remedy my situation. Now I'm just waiting to implement my solution. I've been pushed into a corner and can see no other way out. All of my other attempts at living a normal and happy life have failed. I've gone to hospitals, doctors, support groups, friends, family, websites, drugs, quitting drugs, Narcotics Anonymous, new jobs, new relationships, etc. It just seems that this thing follows me wherever I go and I cannot take it anymore.

    Maybe I'll OD and die. Maybe I'll wake up in the hospital. Maybe I'll just go to sleep for a week and wake up in my own bed (worst case scenario), maybe I'll get permanent organ damage and spend the rest of my life on dialysis, maybe I'll get committed to a psych ward for a few months, I don't care. Anything is better than this life that I have to live. Anything is better than having people around me not knowing or wanting to understand the seriousness of my situation. Something has to change, and if death is that ultimate change, then so be it.

    If anyone else has some interesting ideas about where I might end up if my plan fails, please let me know. I'm interested.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend


    If you dont care and something has to change then call the hospital or go directly there and get yourself admitted. Reading this thread it is so obvious that you dont want to do this. That you want to live but without the pain and problems. So please go to the hospital. Get admitted to the pward. Take 4 or 5 weeks or whatever it takes to get some real rest, some care and some support. They can offer help in so many different aspects of your life. Please call or go there before the pills show up. Dont do it for your Dad or family or friends. Do it for you. Get the strength you need to move forward instead of back.
     
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey I read this post and your other one to and well I am in about the same place as you right now so don't have anything to really write. I am sorry if these is an insult but I just wanted to let you know at least someone cared and was listening, I am sure others are too but they just don't know what to say. Again sorry that I am so messed up right now that I can't say anything that would not be hypocritical on my part but didn't want you to feel ignored, that is the worse for me! Hugs Bambi
     
  4. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    I went to the hospital about this a little more than a month ago. It was the most depressing and awful place in the world to be. It was very lonely there. I went from being in a solitary intake room for a day and a half to the upper floor of a city hospital where there was nobody to talk to. I asked about my treatment and they said that they weren't about to change my medications and that therapy would be the only thing that could possibly help me. Since I couldn't talk and still cannot talk about my feelings, nor remember much of what is said to be nowadays I would be a poor candidate for therapy. I spent the time in the hospital thinking of ways to hang myself there but a psych ward is such a poor place to attempt anything like this. Long story short, the hospital showed me that there was absolutely no hope left for me. I had tried therapy and support groups before and I put my whole heart into it. Maybe there are better hospitals to go to or better treatment options available but I have no idea where or what they are. No, I don't want to do this, but ime and time again it appears that this is my last option. I've been pushed too far into a corner right now to be of any use to myself anyway. This is my last ditch effort to finally find peace. Nothing else has worked, and I'm absolutely sure that nothing else will ever work. This is the very last thing I will be doing for me and I hope it works out well.
     
  5. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    Thank you for writing to me again. My only hope is that there will be readers. Some people to hear the true story of my life and why I did this before I go. For some reason, at this point, I just feel it necessary to leave a small piece of myself in the minds of others who are going through the same thing as me. I don't want the last part of my life to be entirely worthless. If something that I wrote can just help somebody after I am gone then I feel that I have left something to the one part of the world that I care about: the hopeless, the lost, the suicidal, the fearful, the depressed.

    My main goal in life was to become a psych nurse, I wanted to help people going through the worst times of their lives. With no experience as a regular nurse I was unable to find employment in that field. I cannot stomach being a typical nurse, just to gain experience, and have recently found that I'm unable to function as one. I can't do a job that I do not fully believe in. I'm so defeated now that I don't have the strength nor the energy to try to get that make believe job that I worked so hard for. I'm an all or nothing type of person and always will be. Through all of my years of school I never thought that this would ever happen to me, that maybe there was some light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I tried and failed, and now have it on my record that I abandoned a job. Things are so much worse than before. As I looked for my perfect job, I continued to use drugs, and made myself even less capable than I was when I graduated. So this is my way of trying to do one last good deed before I go, and my mind is made up.
     
  6. PokerDonkey

    PokerDonkey Active Member

    You won't die from ODing, don't bother. It will only make your life worse.
     
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