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another flashback

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by dazzle11215, Dec 4, 2010.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    had another flashback last night. i hate when these memories come to me. i dreamt i was being forced to give him oral sex. i was choking and couldn't breathe. it was awful. i still feel all shaky.

    i don't handle flashbacks well at all. the last two major memories i had i ended up in the hospital as they made me really suicidal. i couldn't deal.

    does anyone have any words of advice or support, or ideas on how to handle new memories. these things happened to me when i was 6. sometimes i wish i'd never remember.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

  3. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    I wish i could say something to make you feel better, A good friend of mine once told me that to come to terms with something it all needs to come out in the open and be talked about, so all I can do is listen and let you know i'm thinking of you xxx
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    phil thanks for responding to my thread. i've been having a really rough week since i originally posted. i'm self harming alot, and daydreaming about suicide in an unhealthy way. i feel really disconnected from the planet, from my friends, from my work. i'm struggling. i remembered several new things this week, things that threaten to crack this whole mess open. i remembered that there was a second person involved in the initial rape, someone who held me down while the first person assaulted me. this breaks my heart. it breaks my heart so much that i feel crazy, i want to retreat permanently into my craziness if that makes sense. i can't deal with the reality of this. it hurts too much. thanks for listening.
  5. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    Wouldn't it be nice if there was a Men in Black device that erased your bad memories? I wish I could help in some way. There's nothing I hate more than somebody who abuses a child.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    damage.case i wish there was such a device, too. i think i had my own version of that because for many years i did not remember all the details of the abuse, just the broad outlines. for the past three years that has changed for me. once my mother died the memories just came pouring back in. i have regular nightmares and am taking medication to make my nightmares less intense. i was diagnosed with ptsd and hospitalized for it in september.

    i know my hate is misplaced. more than hating my abusers i hate myself. i know that's wrong but it is how i currently feel.
  7. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    I usually hate myself as well, but I have so much rage inside now that it's starting to overflow.
  8. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Catherine, I wish I could wrap you up in a big hug and take the memories away for you.
    I don't know what to suggest because I think that this is a path where you have to find your own way.
    I was raped at the age of 11 by a member of my family. I successfully blocked it out for years but then he tried it again when I was older and it all came flooding back.
    Being older, he wasn't successful but he's still a member of my family and I had to deal with it. I can tell you how I did that but it may not be very useful to you.
    Firstly, my doctor helped me tremendously. He told me never to be alone with this person which validated my feelings and really helped.
    I then told other people in my family what had happened - only two of them and they were both people I trust. It was still very hard to do though.
    I then cut all contact, which was also hard to do. Regardless of what this person had done to me, I still cared about them (I know that sounds ridiculous but they're family, I couldn't not care).
    I was able to do this because other family members agreed to 'look out' for this person and keep an eye on them so I didn't have to.
    Which also sounds ridiculous but I still cared what happened to him.
    Finally, and the thing that brought me peace was recognising that this man is seriously ill mentally. I have mental health problems but they are nothing in comparison to the problems that he has.
    Once I'd accepted that he was ill, I was able to come to terms with what happened. I was able to say to myself that what happened was in the past and there was no changing it so I had to draw a line under it and move on.
    All of which is easier said than done and it took me a long time but I got there in the end.

    What happened to you should never have happened and I'm really sorry that it did. I hope that you can work your way through it and find peace and I'll be sending lots of positive vibes your way to help you with that.
    Sending hugs
    I did so by recognising that he's very ill.
  9. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I wish i had some good advice, all i have is empathy.
  10. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    It is so hard...

    I had some new memories just hit this week myself - thought I was through the filth and more ...and more... just want to take a huge eraser to the mind, but it is like opening pandora's box - can't shut it.....

    So sorry you are in this pain, I don't know if they get easier or harder... mine began coming back after my mother died as well.

    I went down the self harm trail also - it gave some relief at the cost of more pain....

    The best is to just remind yourself somehow - it isn't now - now I am safe - it wasn't my fault - the rotten perpetrator is filth and at fault - I was just a small child, and deserved love and protection - cuddle something, a stuffed toy or a blanket - call a friend or therapist - change where you are - write it all out, in detail - take control of it - don't let him still control you... Sometimes I go for a run or go to work out at a gym....

    Can't deny it - it only gets worse - have to push through ... that is the only way out; you are worth it!

    Take care of yourself... :hug:
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    understand how horrible the flashbacks can get please have someone there with you to help keep you grounded talk to your therapist okay ihave got some good grounding skills now Although when it happns it still puts me in an awful state. You can work thru it all and come out still intact it will take alot of work and trust on your part with your therapist. Hugs okay i am sorry you suffered so greatly i refuse to acknowledge her that way i keep safe take care.
  12. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Unfortunately, I don't know of anything to say that would help you. I have learned that each situation is unique, as is each individual. What works in one person wont work for another.

    I can share my two cases of flash backs with you in the hope that it helps in some unforeseen way.

    1) I started having sexual relations very young. In a way, I believe I am lucky that none of these experiences were necessarily unpleasent or physically painful. I think, because of this, when I recall or dream about what I went through, it is not alarming, or unsettling. Most of the time, it just makes me horny, which is a problem in and of itself, because I used to self harm through sex with strangers and went that hole route. None of it was helpful, and to this day, I have not learned of a good way of blocking the memories or even of dealing with the memories. I have seen a therapist, and we went over this issue, and even with professional help, I still occasionally recall all of my past. Thankfully with age though, I have gotten more willpower and control, and no longer hurt myself because of my past. So, I guess, I am saying that perhaps in time, time may be able to help you too. Sadly, that does not help you currently.

    2) Recently, I bought a new sports motorcycle, and as a new rider, was stupid. I went beyond my limits and crashed the bike while merging onto a highway. I snapped both my arms in half and had the bones sticking out my forarm while my hands were back at my elbows. I laid on the road for what seemed ages before a firetruck and ambulance came to my aid. I spent a week in hopsital where I had my bones screwed together with metal plates and screws, which I will have for the rest of my life. I was then crippled and homecared for 2 months while i regainedsimple functonality of my arms and hands. During this time, and especially at night before I slept and any time I got in a car, I would have flash backs to the accident. I would feel physical pain and become very upset in my stomache. I think I had ptsd from the major accident I was in. I didn't talk to anyone about it, and instead, each time it happened, I merely kept trying to think about anything else to try to get rid f the fear, the pain, and the sickness. Now, nearly 4 months after the accident, I thankfully havent had any flashbacks in a long time. I don't know why. All i can think is that maybe, I have supressed it, or it has gotten better with time.

    So, unfortunately, neither case brings up anything useful. Even if time heals all wounds, you cant control time, so you are powerless to react for the time being. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better, but I can't. All I can do is share my story and let you know that you are not the only one that suffers from memories of the past and flashbacks, and that I will try to understand your situation and help you. For now, all I can do is talk with you and try to understand.
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