i hate the holidays, i wish it would all go away, christmas will be over in two weeks, i wish it were over today. its hard not being jealous of the lucky ones, people who have someone to care, who actually care about how youre feeling, the people closest to me have never cared how i feel. i have feelings, i should scream at them and tell them how im feeling, thats how i feel. im too reserved, i have let them hurt me for so long and i sit here silent.. always scared if i speak up that they just wont talk to me at all. maybe it would be better that way.. if they just dont talk to me at all.. at least i would have had my say.. i dont know. i just sit here silent, taking the blame for everything that has ever happened, yes everything is my fault. i have almost found my voice though, and i am going to start standing up for myself. and if their gone forever, then they were never really here.. right? my family is so disfunctional, my father never calls me, never. and then his mother, my grandmother gets mad at me because i dont want to go to his house for the holidays and spend time with his "family" the people who never call. and im not supposed to feel jealous of my sisters, who my father adores, calls, takes out for dinner. his second family after my mother. im supposed to just sit there and suck it up, just accept the fact that he is active in their life, a real father. just suck it up and smile. the sick thing is, is that they dont see anything wrong with this, or maybe i just havent stood up for myself enough. but i have to find my voice.