Another lonely sad story no one wants to read.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LUH1234, May 4, 2013.

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  1. LUH1234

    LUH1234 New Member

    I'm a male born in the 70's. I've been depressed my entire life, going back to childhood. I clearly remember spending recess time hiding in the playground play tubes due to my depression.

    I believe I am bi-polar and some of this may originate from my thyroid issues. I use to have more manic, or, ok days. These are rare now. Most days are varying levels of depression, with few almost normal days. Before I started taking thyroid pills, I felt like I was beginning to go insane. Those pills have helped with that issue.

    With the exception of councilors, I've kept my suicidal thoughts to myself. I made one somewhat serious attempt 15 years ago, though I didn't obviously succeed. I reached out for help, however the councilor at that time didn't treat me as if she thought I was serious; more like I was doing this for attention. This is not the case. I do put myself into dangerous situations. I've been at multiple shootings as a bystander, and have been *very* close to the flying bullets. There is a long list of dangerous situations I've been involved in though I won't bore you with it.

    My childhood involves a lot of physical violence, a number of sexual abuses, and plenty of emotional abuse. Only in the last year have I realized the sexual abuses for what they were, and the true impact they had on me. I won't go into the details here.

    My family moved to 20 different school districts during my childhood years. I'm sure this plays into my issues with loss and my poor ability to establish and maintain friendships.

    I have reached out to councilors a number of times. I was with one for 9 months up until recently. I don't do the "pity me" thing. I talk about how I ruminate and psychoanalyze, second guessing everything I do until I'm super depressed. I talk about problems and how do I solve them. I have tried the suggestions. I've no longer drink soda, tee, coffee, and have almost completely come off the bottle. I went cold turkey on the soda, going from 100oz+ a day to 0, and have been good for 6 months. I changed my diet which now includes mostly healthy foods such as fruits, vegetables and nuts. I am taking B-50, Fish Oil, and many other pills that improve mood. I've gone from 220 pounds to ~160. I'm atheist, though I attend church and have tried to do the church thing where one gets pleasure from helping others. I recently donated a nice headstone to someone I had barely known who would have sticks as a marker otherwise. I have made other selfless contributions.

    The thing is, none of this is making any difference with my depression. I don't feel good from doing these things, I fell worse. Happy != Mania and Sad != Depression. I can be happy while depressed. B6 can make me giddy, yet I'm still depressed. I get no joy out of anything at all anymore, even sex isn't pleasurable anymore. I am successful at work, and make good money. I am in charge of millions of dollars worth of system. I get praise for the good work I do. This should release dopamine, I should be happy. These type of "rewards" and acknowledgments from my peers make me more depressed..?

    My wife of 14 years is unsupportive and very self centered. Years ago I asked her to help me quit drinking, as I have a problem. She hasn't helped, instead she is an enabler. I have been doing better lately. She took me to a wine bar last Friday and I drank nothing. I socialized with strangers for 3 hours, and I did very well, but I do not enjoy this. She's brought beer home and gave me one. I only sipped it slowly while the rest are still in the fridge.

    I invited my wife, in a nice way, to go to counseling with me to try and work on our issues, many which are my issues. She was not receptive of this, she just went through the motions. She skipped sessions as other events with her friends came up after counseling was scheduled. She ended up deciding it wasn't worth her time to go there, so we never got deep enough to discuss how truly depressed I am and work through it. I quit going to this councilor recently because the councilor just came out and said she didn't know what else to talk about. Again, I wasn't talking about suicide with her; just general depression and the associated conditions such as having no energy or joy. She was trying to help, and I was doing what she asked me to do as best I could. If I was honost with her about my suicidal behaviors, I'm afraid I'd be committed, which would destroy me.

    On a positive note, I have discovered some triggers for my deep depression. When a man goes through a full ejac/O he, among other things, releases high levels of prolactin which lowers dopamine. Dopamine makes us happy, prolactin not so much. It took me forever to figure this out. I now know that 1.5 to 2 days after sex I always develop a deep depression that usually lasts 2-3 days. This is called POIS. It's most likely related to my childhood abuse. A few years ago I researched the ways around the refractory period and chemical releases. I am now successfully able to separate these three events and control them, which does help with my hypersexuality issues. I've also discovered several of the health store herbs/pills I was taking were making my depression worse, and have quit taking those.

    Even with those improvements, in the last 5 years I've seen my number of depressed days climbing. I no longer have the full manic days, though there is the occasional hypomanic day. Usually I will get a few semi-ok days a week, and this evening is one. I will have days where I just sleep and do nothing. I have no energy. I have made attempts to get out to the trails and jog on these days, but I feel horrible doing this. I can barely lift my legs at these moments.

    I do not get joy out of anything, I get pain. I don't want to be like this, yes that is how I am. I ruminate myself insane, and have insomnia because of it. I got to the point of not sleeping. I have been alternating between Ambien and Lunesta for a few years now (talk to you DR before doing this, as I have, it has risk.) I've built walls to keep people away, I have no friends anymore, and my family is being negatively affected by this. I understand Ambien and Lunesta have depression as a side effect too, though 2 years of that versus ~30 years of depression, it' not the sleeping pills giving me depression.

    I ruminate about suicide almost all day long. I try to switch to some other mantra or thought, yet suicide creeps back into my mind. This has been going on for a very long time.

    I have recently done a purge of the stuff I don't want people to know/see when I'm gone. I have a million dollar life insurance policy that pays even if by suicide, and it is past the waiting period. I have a will completed, it just needs printed and signed and 2 witnesses. I've been putting my other affairs in order. I have plans on how to attempt to make it look accidental, and will hopefully leave no indication it was suicide, as this is not for attention.

    Last Friday I discussed my depression in the 10 minutes I'm allowed with my Dr.. He put me on Bupropion and doubled my thyroid dose. He gave me a referral to a new psychologist. I've had 7 days of Bupropion. I've seen no effect from it yet, and actually got worse. Last Saturday I had the knife in my hand and was *very* close to saying screw my plans, get it over with. I told myself to hang in there until the Bupropion kicks in, as it takes weeks to work. I read online that Bupropion can make things worse, initially. It was a very difficult moment.

    All I know anymore is depression, isolation, interpersonal despair, and desolation. Change is feared. If the pills do work, then what? How do I open up and trust people again? Perhaps the new psychologist will be a good one this time.

    I can't tell my phycologist all of this as he would lock me away, which I do not want. I can't tell anyone who knows me. It's nice to have a place like this I can rant in, and nice to see other people who are successfully coping and dealing with the same issues I am.
     
  2. Regnes

    Regnes New Member

    I read your story, I think you should tell your psychologist. If you tell him, then you're effectively reaching out to somebody, which is a more reassuring thought than somebody who bottles it up. Perhaps he/she can recommend a specialist to help you.
     
  3. jangorariala

    jangorariala New Member

    Your problems dwarf mine but still I understand what you are going through. As backwards as it sounds, what has kept me going is knowing taking my life will always be a way out and will never go away, which helps lift the umbrella of hopelessness engulfing my life and it encourages me to live a day at a time. I also hope that getting through this will set me up to be more resilient. Stay focused and strong. Although I am sure pleasure in most things is gone, think about something small that gives you pleasure like maybe a favorite food you will miss - that's helped me a lot.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes pills can take up to 6 weeks to have a positive affect You are doing the right things you are reaching out for help you deserve. Meds with therapy will help you even more.
    Psychologist will help you with you depression you moving forward in life. He or she will help change the suicidal thoughts will help your thoughts change from negative to more positive ones

    YOu will be wasting valuable time by not telling your therapist what you are truly feeling NO you will not be locked up hun i tell my psychologist all time i want to leave and i have told him about the plans i have made and i have not been locked up.

    Print off what you wrote here take this copy to psychologist ok Don't waste anymore time hun use it wisely be open be truthful so you can benefit from each session I do know though it will take time to build up trust.

    You are reaching out that took strength hugs to you
     
  5. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    It sounds like your arrested in grief for your childhood.It also sounds like you could be suffering from some form ptsd as you avoid anything that brings you close to feeling authentic suffering, either by medicating yourself or avoiding talking about it with anyone and as a result your relationships are shallow but tolerant. Another thing you would want to look at is attachment issues, which dictate the quality of our relationshps. I would suggest trying to find a way of getting off the meds as they are only masking the problems. However this will most probably leave you feeling incredibly vulnerable and risk damaging your relationships with others, but you will finally be getting to the root of your suffering and start to see the true affinity you share with those close to you.
    You might think that's all easier then said but my life experiences are very similar to yours and having done all of the above I feel I am truthful to myself and others and I value that immensely. I do not want to go through life passively, in denial or broken and I don't think you should too. Good luck.
     
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