Another Long Post (After a Long Break)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Jul 9, 2009.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Hello. It has been some time since I posted. I wish I could say the reason why was because everything was great and that all the little bunnies have appeared and made my life great. Truth is it is because I just haven’t been able to get the time to.

    Where to start, I guess the “good news”. For the last few weeks I have been working for a temp agency. It is my first job out of college (which I exited almost two years ago). It is doing factory work. I started making electrodes for medical use, then that was moved to another facility so I was then packaging ECG electrodes into envelopes for four weeks. It was third shift, 11PM-7:30AM. I was getting 3-5 hours of sleep per shift, and on one occasion did go an entire day without sleep. I was removed from that facility a few days ago, and go to the other one tomorrow for an orientation. It will be a 6:25AM-2:55PM shift, so at leas the hours have gotten better.

    The paycheck was the good part of that job. Everything else about it sucks. It is the kind of job anyone with a high school education can do. I should be more grateful for it, but I was fed a line of crap my whole life about getting good grades. “If you get the good grades, you’ll get the good job.” Or, “One day those people who picked on you in high school will be pumping your gas.”

    Time has shown me that mentality was the wrong one to have. I focused on getting good grades, at the expense of a social life. Slowly my supply of friends has dwindled, and now at the point I have maybe 2 people I consider friends; everyone else is just an acquaintance I keep in touch with every so often on facebook. While those people who picked on me were enjoying life, I was working to get grades. And who ends up ahead when we all end at the same level? The college educated person stuffing envelopes or the high school educated former jock installing cable? Who lived a better life? Who has more to talk about? Who had the greater experiences? I think the answer is obvious.

    I never wanted a hand-out from anyone when it came to jobs. I just wanted something I could enjoy, and that would pay enough to let me pay down my debts and maybe go out and enjoy some part of life. I was hoping that I could become defined by a job, not by who I am. You see, I’m the person everyone doesn’t want to be. I’m a coward. I’ll never do the things I want to, career wise or personally. I’m too scared of the possible consequences. And why try and change when it will do no good? I tried changing after my ex left me (a little over 2.5 years ago). I actually had self-esteem again and then I came home. Within two months it was gone. The power of family.

    That brings me to my next (and hopefully final) point. My father is becoming my biggest problem. His drinking has gotten worse over the last few months. I’m not even sure why anymore. But last Friday I heard him talking to my brother while I was upstairs on my way to check my e-mail. He said crap about how my current job was not “the one” (as if I did not know that). Also talked about how I should go to Alaska and work on the pipeline, screw around with “Eskimo chicks”. Too bad there are no pipeline jobs at the moment and my (our) religion promotes abstinence. He’s a broken record with that Alaska crap. Also mentioned how I wanted to go in the army, with a degree I might be able to go OTS. His big thing with that was just to get it over with and do something. It makes me angry that he can’t even say that to my face, I have to over hear him say all that to my brother while he’s drunk.

    I have a breathalyzer that I got as a birthday present a while back. I was supposed to test him one day when he got out of the car when he got home. A way to prove he has a problem since he drives drunk almost every day and then says he’s given rides to other people before who were drunk. He actually said he’s accepted rides when he was drunk, only when my mother was with him and took his keys and drove her car home.

    I guess I’m just thinking that now is the time to do this suicide thing. I can’t stand being around my family anymore, and I know I’ll never actually do any of the stuff I want to do with my life. It’s too late for that I’m 24, missed the boat. I would have had to be ready to get the ball rolling two years ago when I got out of college. But I was lazy in college, focused on getting the good grades because a job would come with good grades. The world isn’t what I was told it was. It is less about what you know and more about who you know. A person like me could never make the connections necessary to thrive, or even survive. I’ll never be a person that is respected by anyone; my own family can’t even respect me. All I’m useful for here is doing the manual labor around the house. Feed the dog, keep the place clean, clean up after the dog, mow the lawn, and the like. Would I be missed?


    Would anything be lost without me?


    There will always be others to replace me. Everyone in the family would just have to step up and fulfill their obligations as they agreed to before. My time is over, my usefulness was back in college helping people get through coursework and some minor personal problems that they just needed someone to talk to. Now I’m like something from another geologic period struggling through the beginning of the next one. Unable to adapt, I’m doomed to go extinct. I’ll never contribute to the gene pool, or the meme of our culture. So many people my age or younger are doing that all for me.
    So why not kill myself? I’m replaceable just because I’ve already taken myself out of “the game”. Someone else has already filled my spot on the batting order.

    Sorry for going so long for those still reading, or those who just skimmed through it. It’s time for me to go. Have to try and sleep before the new orientation tomorrow. Have to get everything in order before I can try to sleep. It will all just be the same as it always is, every day blending into the next until I’m a year older, wondering, and knowing full well, where my life went wrong.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time for you to move out and get a place of your own away from the enviroment your in. Everyone has to start at a ground level job to start then work their way up. Are you able to upgrade your education through your work to get a better position. Keep applying for a better job while working there it took my son over a year to get a good job computer engineer he started at 10 bucks an hour answering phones but now has his dream job. It takes time don't get frustrated and if at all possible move out get a place of your own your out of college time to start fresh somewhere new away from the poisonous enviroment of your dad alcoholism. take care im glad you came here to vent we care just keep hanging in okay.
  3. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Hello Mary, thank you for your reply. I know everyone starts in a low level position, but the work I'm doing isn't even related to the major I took in college. So it isn't even experience I can apply towards a job in that field. I am currently unable to move out because my pay is below the $10/hour mark. It also makes going back to school difficult, which I don't even know what I'd go to school for. My first time through I stuck with something when I wasn't sure if it was for me. Then I felt like I was stuck in trying to get work in that field because it was what I was educated in. Like I said before, I'll never end up doing what I want to do. Even if I did I would probably not like it and realize it is just a pipe dream to keep myself alive.

    It doesn't seem like this country is what it used to be. Way back when someone could get a job out of college and move away. Now it just seems like everyone graduates with worthless degrees and has to stay at home working jobs they don't need an education for. That's just the way it is now.

    That's good about your son, at least it worked out for him.
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