Today I just can't seem to pull myself together. The stress is piled up, I am nautious to the point I am about to vomit, and I can feel that nothing good is going to come out of it all by the end of the day. I have been fighting the urge to cut since I layed down lastnight, I just don't know how much longer I can. I want some type of relief from everything that is going on. Ending it has crossed my mind a few times, but after my last failed attempt I don't really feel like waking up a few days from now in the icu on a ventalator again, it's expensive and next time I want to make sure I wont wake up. I've even went as far as filed for a dnr order for myself. I Know it will hurt alot of people when that day comes, but everyone is always telling me to put myself first for a change and well... I don't want to feel the pain of life anymore. I fell like no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this slump, and try to make things right with the people who care most I do nothing but wrong. I've always been a good person so all the negativity , harsh words, broken friendships and crashing relationship is really taking a toll. I've always been the strong one for everyone else. I think it's my time to be weak and just give up. If you made it through all that sorry. It's pretty pointless, I think I just needed to vent.