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another misfit thinking about his last resort

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Crimsonsorrow, Jul 9, 2008.

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  1. Crimsonsorrow

    Crimsonsorrow Active Member

    Firstly I would like to say "Hello" since "Hi" seem to me completely inadequate. As stated in the title of this hopefully short thread I as well as others here have been thinking about commiting you know what. Its hard to talk about it and I don't know where to start. I have been so depressed lately and do not feel my mind to be able to convert this cornucopia of thoughts that I have been engulfed in into something more verbally comprehensible.
    I find it difficult as well as cheesy to mention my hardships here on this forum (with the whole emo trend going on currently). A maverick or pariah of society would be the best description of my lifestyle (even before these sad times full of void), however without further ado I will tell my story what started this whole madness and sorrow with pain of misunderstanding.
    Emarassment would be the feeling that describes me the best this very moment as I writes this down. I feel emarassed that I have reached the bottom. I guess this is what happens with dreamers.
    Just 18 yrs old planning on going to college as a foreign studen due to receiving a very generous scholarship from a US college in Pennsylvania. I was a bold guy at that short time tried to be modest yet my addiction gave me confidence. Being teetotal at that age was extremely hard activity to uphold. Ever since I was a kid I wanted become an athelete yet it was never about the money nor the fame. It was all about simply that feeling. I was one of the most athletic guys around yet it wasn't something innate I was free of all other common to society addictions. Back when I was 18 things were looking up to me I though that I could finally get into adulthood with my sport being stress-reducer in times of depression. One has to love the feeling of running the feeling of being alive. My deepest apologies for being so imprecise I just cant explain this phenomenon. I had it all. I shaped my life as I wanted it to be and stayed true to what I originally planned.
    On April 2nd during a PE lessons as always I was leaping with joy of being able to get my fix at that age I knew I couldn't go pro (you just have to be lucky and bump into the right person), however, I didnt give a damn about at that given point.
    I guess it is true that you remember every second when your whole life goes to hell. That split second that you will keep cursing for the rest of your life. I snapped my knee I knew that feeling since I have sprained the other one 2 years ago and made an exceptional recuperation. Yet this time it went all wrong...
    Had the diagnostics done very quickly and received the knews that I tore my ligament along with tearing some cartilage it was the end for me. This was at least what I have thought. I got in touch with one of the best doctors in my country. He did absolute miracles with miserable cases where people were facing amputation. Motivation was pumping through my veins at that time before the surgery and while I was getting onto the operation table. Reading on other success stories kept my alive and running yet after the operation it got gradually worse. The surgery that I have undergone was a total disaster doomed from start. I lost my life the feeling that fueled me everyday. I made enemies and lost friends. One becomes cynical as you are taken each time to the OR you are more and more sceptic. The enemies that I have acknowledged were the closest friends "family". They werent acquainted with the whole procedure. I took a conservative said to myself let it heal dammit. I waited and the pain kept growing within my heart. As my body atrophied and the pain kept increasing as I tried to stitch what I have broken back together I started having these thoughts the suicidal thoughs.
    I have had enough of everything people set that I have gone mad or that I will should keep on thinking about my health yet I ask them frantically "why should I ignore my health why can I not be like an average me again ?". The void in my heart only got engulfed by guilt and the feeling of everyone being a hypocrite ignorant *fuck*. I was blamed for the accident said that it was my fault at first that accidents dont happen to people who train and do the things the right way.

    Even one doctor told me not to whine since he can show me children in the ER that are fighting for their lives or scarred permanantely.In my mind through anger I keep asking myself "why are you telling me this whats the point of all of this?". Ignorance is bliss yet our biggest innate whim that is my opinion. Through ignorance we can avoid going mad about the irrational things we have to keep up to. Yet my point is who really would like a unified world " a world of the lowest common denominator". WhHHHHHHHHHYYYY??
    The nightmares get stronger every night. The insomnia rages out of me with the same old crap why? question.

    Im on the verge of choice of what I could have easily should I be healthy. Either college or my health: looking for money for at least two more surgeries in the span of time of 2 years. The doctors arent giving much still.............. They say that the malpractice stemming from the first surgery gives less of a chance to return to sports.
    At this point I am constantly thinking about doing "IT" at last. This is the easy way. People will certainly call me a coward but why do I care. I just can't get on with my life without being able to run, jump. I can't live without the feeling of my heart pounding with joy and working at its best.
    I know that people will accuse me of exaggerating saying: "Thats not a problem; stop being a pussy and get up. Thats not the worst shit that can happen to you." Im sick of being misunderstood and getting cut by doctors. I swear that I see it in their eyes that I am scalpel fodder now.

    Once again I apologize for this post I just cant stand the silence and being constantly misunderstood. It was my dream my ecstasy, my fix, my addiction.

    The nightmares get stronger and dreams that were once positive retrospectives turn into a bittersweet figment of my imagination. I woke up once crying when I dreamed about being healthy or even worse being there on 2 April and not taking that one last jump and enjoying my life.

    Sucide seems the only way to get out of this ordeal with honor and sigh. Had 1 attempt already yet was just a nervous reaction that resulted in taking a lot of pills yet still not enough to kill me...

    I will not write anything about you people replying to this within a couple of minutes or I will die. I've even started drinking in solitary now hoping one day that while being drunk I will find the courage to take the cyanide that I have prepared to at least die with dignity
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2008
  2. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    I'm sorry that your injury and resulting depression have taken you to this dark place.

    There is help out -- I personally take meds that have taken my suicidal thoughts away.

    No, they didn't take my problems away, but strangely, I want to live very much now, despite them.

    Keep sharing -- you have much to say, and it's all valid and true.
  3. Crimsonsorrow

    Crimsonsorrow Active Member

    I have been taking meds once,however, that was due to another reason a couple of months before the accident :(. I was blue because of my finals and was depressed yet the meds only made me quesy thats all.

    The accident altered my life drastically I had the unlucky surgery a couple of weeks before going to college. Without the accident I would've been hoping to make varsity yet that wasn't my goal. My goal was to finally grow up and have fun at college. The accident itself and all of the fucked up stuff that came along with it just made me depressed and queasy (walked around like a dead guy). The accident happened exactly 1 year and 3 months ago and ever since that day I never ran again.

    The worst thing about my position is that people never show you compassion. Sometimes I think that should I be in a wheelchair at least someone would show some compassion. Yet of all that after over a year I got sick of words like "Im sorry" or "you shouldnt think about your leg". Fuck that. Im the person that has that messed up leg. Im the one that doesn't want to get out of bed not beacuse Im lazy etc but I just dont want to feel the pain.

    I ditched the first trimester (fall term) of college, I wanted to take it all easy, patiently and recover. When I finally got to the states in november I felt even more depressed since it was just I have imagined it. January was actually the month that I snapped and couldn't take it anymore and tried to play some bball. I failed miserably and the pain gradually increased. Furthermore during the whole time I couldnt fully extend my leg and had a slight limp. My friends actually told me about it. Personally most of the people around this forum probably know that feeling when someone looks upon you with those eyes and treating you like a disabled person.

    Were all ignorant probably wouldnt give a fuck about a cripple like me should I not have any personal interests in his case.
    Nowadays I spend all of my summer in my home up in the attic looking through the window like some pariah. Looking at the children playing and running all around the streets. I was once like on of them healthy having a life.

    Now its all gone... The worst part is the feeling of void and withering away and losing those positive memories and emotions associated with living. I know that I dont have too much time to go. I gotta finish this as soon as possible.
  4. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    Well, as a person who's fought for her life, I can truly say it's worth it.

    But, easy, it ain't.

    I was in the hospital 3 times last summer. FINALLY they found the right meds. Don't give up on meds - they do work.

    And -- as far as your leg. You know your truth. You know what's true. That you were able to be athletic, run -- and now you're waiting for surgeries and to heal again.

    I would like to let you know that I've survived the suicide of my mom. But, just barely. It's unimaginable the pain. Before you consider anything drastic, like harmign yourself, killing yourself, dying from this -- I would like you to consider seeking treatment for your depression.

    Really -- what do you have to lose? You have happiness to gain.

    Like I said, I still have my same problems -- my mom is still dead, my 5 year old daughter still has preventable brain damage -- but I'm happy. I like it here - I don't want to die anymore.

    There is hope -- keep sharing -- you have much to say. And this is a good place to be validated for all the pain you've gone through.
  5. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    CrimsonSorrow - your posts are very elegantly written and you actually do express your pain very well. I agree that words are sometimes so pathetic, i could read a whole dictionary and still not find half the words to describe how i felt when i was depressed. I understand how you feel about running - i am certainly not a athlete like you but it is one of my ways of bringing everything back into equilibrium. The knowledge that i can just run and run, in itself, gives me real release.
    I cannot imagine going through the accident that you have. Obviously you are a incrediably determined person and (although you may not feel this way now) a hopeful one. You should be very proud of your strength. I really do feel for your situation. An significant part of your life has been taken away from you, something that made you feel better and perhaps you felt defined you. I don't think that people should be saying to you - 'it is only your knee' or 'others are visably permantly scarred' - those drs are perhaps trying to offer you some perspective but that is not exactly helpful right now! This is a major change in your life, it is going to take time to assimilate to. You don't feel like you anymore. That would make anyone feel depressed.
    I think it may be useful for you to talk to a counsellor or someone that has experience with people that are in the situation you are in. I will not say the word disabled because i know that you are not but you are going through much of the grief that those who have had accidents like yours go through and you could probably relate a lot to their feelings and experiences. Perhaps a counsellor experienced in this area could help you work through some of these feelings and focus upon expectations for the future. I personally don't feel that medication is the answer for you, it could lift your mood so you feel able to work with the counsellor or therapist, but ultimately you have lost a valued part of your life, you seem to be going through the normal cycle of grief but have become stuck slightly and need some help.
    It may also be useful to find some books that focus on situations like yours. Just because you have not lost a leg, an arm etc does not mean that you are not going through the same feelings that those with these difficulties are. Perhaps reading about their experiences will help yourself work through your feelings because you do seem a very determined person. Or maybe there is someone with a disability that you can talk to? Just so you know, i don't think those with a technical disability often think of themselves as disabled because it is just who they are.
    Keep strong, try not to drink alcohol as it is a depressant and will make your mood worse and scramble your focus. Sure you may want that right now but i promise it really is not the path you want to take.
  6. Crimsonsorrow

    Crimsonsorrow Active Member

    To describe the thing that happened to me as briefly as possible.

    Imagine yourself fracturing your arm and going to see a doctor. Then as you go to a doctor you know that you are gonna get plastered and soon will be back in the game. Yet something terrible happens and they amputate your arm and everyone just tells you to stop whining. They dont admit malpractice just leave you as if waiting for you to eat yourself alive.
    Im so fed up with my life I had another dream being sidelined. Unfortunately there's an issue of healing the knee is the most fucked up joint and the doctors told me that maybe and only maybe after 2-3 years I might run again :(
  7. Crimsonsorrow

    Crimsonsorrow Active Member

    Besides I dont care really what people think when Im gone. I was nobody special and dont care of the people that will grief my death even or especially my parents. I just dont give a fuck anymore the cyanide gives me a couple of minutes of pain and then relief.
    When I contacted a doctor and heard his verdict from an MRI and a CT scan I almost shed tears. He told me about 2 operations over the span of 2-3 years with no guarantee of success.
  8. Crimsonsorrow

    Crimsonsorrow Active Member

    Made a promise once to my parents out of rage that I will rather commit suicide than go under the knife again. I guess this how its gonna end...
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I realize that the things you had planned for your life must now be altered, but instead of focusing on your dashed hopes and dreams, find something else you do well. Doctors don't always know everything. People have come back from almost impossible situations and gone on to fulfill their dreams. It isn't time to give up, but to fight instead. Even had you been able to continue on with your athletics, it wouldn't have lasted forever. Bodies grow older and change. Your parents would not want you to honor that promise of suicide. You can choose not to have the further surgeries, but then you are opting to forgo the chance that they may help. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. :hug:
  10. Crimsonsorrow

    Crimsonsorrow Active Member

    Thnx but I just cant get enough of that feeling that came from what I did in the past. I cant find anything that could make me happier with this burden. Ironically as a teenager I remember speaking with my mother on the weekend night before the accident telling them "They (life, world etc) can throw anything at me as long as they dont take this (my life health) from me Im gonna fight them till I die".

    Wear and Tear is a completely different and acceptable thing. Im facing a complete stationary life and in a few years TKR Total Knee Replacement.

    I know this sounds cheesy but I was always a hard gainer and believed that if I try hard Im gonna beat the world and be who I wanted to be feel this ecstatic euphoria.

    Just like in of those songs: I did my sentece but committed no crime

    :sad:I even dont have the motivation to type this I really did hit the bottom after all :(
    I lost my identity I died that day if only I had the accident a couple of years later maybe. Im now this melancholic, sad, masochistic young senile fuck, no longer healthy nor athletic thats withering to the amusement of others SCHADENFREUDE simply.... :(

    The dreams are getting stronger and more sadistic every night as if someone was loving my pain and demeaning me by shoving my old self in my face

    Today was just yet another day living like a retarded old pariah, and I even accidentally spilled the cyanide that I have been grinding for such a long time...

    Maybe one day this hypocrite will get drunk enough to overcome his fears and end it all since the worlds laughing at him not with him anymore...

    The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
    the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 10, 2008
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