Another mistake?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Darc, Feb 20, 2010.

  1. Darc

    Darc Well-Known Member

    To be honest, I have no idea why I'm here.
    I'm not good with words at all, but isn't such a forum all about words?
    I've been dealing with my issues for years without ever telling anyone, because I don't know how to, and whenever I try, I regret it. I always seem to regret everything I do, everything I don't do and every word I say...especially the words. Even if I don't get an immediate negative reaction, if I ever let something slip that matters to me, I get angry at myself and just feel upset...I can't explain...and that makes me stop saying things halfway, feeling stupid for trying in the first place and dissatisfied, because I'd like to go for all or nothing. The best thing is to just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. And now I signed up here, because I'm tired of all the thinking and talking to myself. And of course, I regret I did. I was really positively surprised at the kind welcomes I got. But, as always when I'm around people, I feel superficial and useless again. I don't know what to say other than shallow and hypocritical things no one needs to hear. I had been hoping to at least be able to help someone here. Just a little bit maybe. But I find no words. If someone would ask me how I am, I'd say I'm fine, but if that was true I wouldn't be here. And if someone told me he wasn't fine, I had no clue what to say to him to help. No matter how I look at it, I can't justify myself being here...or anywhere else for that matter. I'm aware there's no need to justify anything...but maybe if I could, I wouldn't feel like such a failure and I wouldn't be so convinced that it's totally foolish to try and look for a place for me in this world. Every tiny thing that goes wrong disheartens me to the point of inwardly throwing the towel and stomping on it. And if it's something like scorching the pizza or whatever. And while one part of me gives up, the other hates myself for being a whimp like that and wants to waltz down everything around me to let out just how pissed I am.
    I just see no reason to hang in at all.
    And, as well meant as words might be, I don't feel like anything anyone could ever say to me would help me find one. Because words can't change my life. And I can't either, obviously. So I just wonder what the hell I'm doing here, and regret and regret and regret and the only thing that makes sense trying to me is to just quit and get the hell away from here.
    In the end, I always just pretend I don't care, because everything hurts a little less with a bit of detachment...and, from my experience, that makes it even harder to get a connection to people somehow...I avoid them all, because they talk talk talk, and I feel so dumb not knowing what to say...so I just listen, and feel guilty because mostly I simply don't care about their small talk, chitchat about the weather and relationships and all that stuff they already told their hoards of friends (referring to schoolmates, 'cuz they're the only people I can't avoid being around) and I hate them for making me feel like this...and so on and on. And then I feel sorry for myself because I have no friends. It's ridiculous, really, and I love to shoot myself with cynicism about this topic, because if anyone cared, I'd manage to drive them away in no time. Funny thing that. I can't even imagine talking to someone about something like my feelings. In person. Urgh.

    ...This got way too long...
    I know I'll regret having posted this in two minutes...whatever. I'm off, anyway.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2010
  2. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    why would you regret posting? although i don't know what to say i read it and related somewhat. keep talking. sometimes it's the only thing that helps.