Another month

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ashla86, Aug 2, 2007.

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  1. ashla86

    ashla86 Active Member

    I'm putting it off for another month. It was going to be this week, I was ready and everything. I told everyone my fake story (I found a way to make it look like an accident) but then I couldn't do it. I had an image in my head of my parents and sister cleaning out my apartment as I got ready and the image was so horrifying that I couldn't. They looked so depressed, and I couldn't handle the way my mother started reading my diary and then broke down. I'm pretty sure if I do, do it, it will be really hard on them. I guess my subconscious was telling me that and that's why I had that day dream.
    But I really can't handle this life anymore. It's too hard, everyone in town hates me... and no this isn't one of those paranoid thoughts, I can tell. It's very obvious. I am too ugly, and again it's true otherwise people who don't even know me wouldn't yell out "Oh look at the dog," or "Ew, that is th ugliest thing I've ever seen." and so many more ugly jokes. And it can't be from 'jealously' as some people who have never seen me has put it, these people don't even know me. A couple of twelve year old boys on their bikes said it as they rode past me, and kids that age speak the truth without thinking about it.
    I'm also completely lonely, I sit at home every night and weekend night wishing for at least a friend. I have no friends at all. Whenever I meet a new guy he automatically gets disgusted by me. So why keep living? I know my family will be upset, but if I am truly unhappy and it's been like this since the age of thirteen, why keep going? Why can't I be selfish for once? I never am until now, or I try not to be.

    So I am giving it another month. I will be 21 in a month. I don't why I'm waiting but that's what I am doing.
     
  2. ashla86

    ashla86 Active Member

    Ok, I've decided it's got to be two months. Was talking to my mom today and there is a party in September I have to go to.
    I keep putting it off, I am really a coward about all of this. I want to go but I just don't want to put my family through it, and the thought of actually doing what I am going to do makes it worse. It will definitely look like an accident but it's going to be painful for me before I actually die.
     
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