Another morning.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by yada, Feb 16, 2007.

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  1. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    Can't sleep again. Don't know why exactly I'm posting this here, but perhaps somewhere in my mind I am expecting someone to validate my feelings and decision. Though oddly, I know no one is going to say "yes, that is the right direction for you to take". Or perhaps writing here will make me feel a bit better. I have in the past felt a bit better by putting my thoughts on paper, but the improvements I've felt are fading so hoping I can get some relief here.

    Apologies if I'm bugging you with this.

    The bottom line is that I wake up every single morning, and realize that I don't belong anywhere ... that I am completely alone, that time is not on my side, and that if nothing I've tried in the past year has helped, then I can't see why anything else would at this point. I realize that I don't have a purpose for living, and have decided to leave, after I take care of certain things.

    Since making this decision, I've become quite sad. Somewhat like waking up on the last day of a vacation and knowing that you'd be leaving all the friends/family behind. (Memories from the past, as that doesn't happen to me anymore). Yet, I know that it is my decision and know that this is what's best for me. In other ways, I do feel a sense of relief since I know I don't have to worry about planning for the future or doing anything long term. I've become somewhat happy-go-lucky, or more realistically, sad-go-lucky.

    Sure, I expect that some of you will say don't do it, and no one will say it's the right decision, so again, I'm not sure what type of objective comments I'm expecting. And even if this were not a pro-life forum, I can't expect anyone to completely understand my situation. The short of it is that I have no family left, as I cut myself off from my family for my own sanity. I cannot deal with being told that everything I have done and still do is wrong, and that I've never done anything right in my life. I'm 40. And at this age, I'm still single and have no kids. Objectively, I am actually quite a good/decent person. I just don't fit in with my parents/family since they are not happy that I have not conformed to their ways, and they are more concerned with how they look in society rather that how I feel. I have good friends, but as expected, when holidays and other family times comes around, I get put on the back-burner. That's absolutely not their fault. Occassionally, I go to a friend's place for a holiday, but I usually feel out of place since I'm the non-family member in the group. These are the times that I most realize that I belong nowhere. And that is the key to my current state. That I belong nowhere, can't see how I can/would suddenly belong somewhere, and so don't have a purpose for being. It's not so much that I am not married, but that I really have no place to be, and don't feel wanted anywhere. I matter to no one. There are other reasons, which are very personal to me, so I won't post that here.

    Now, whereas I do appreciate the good sentiments/wishes from those who will say that I am wanted here, I really need to feel wanted by people who physically and personally know who I am.

    The only things that held me back from leaving is that I didn't want to affect others, but that should be easier now. Well, "should". I am still convincing myself to do what is best for me. As a very logical person, and a past project manager, that is the key to my decision ... it is logically the correct thing for me to do at this point. Most of you will not understand this, because we've been conditioned to think that doing this is wrong, and because humans/animals are innately designed to protect themselves from dying. But I have to look at this situation objectively from a bigger standpoint. I am but just one bean in the coffee jar. If I am no longer really contributing to the flavor of the final cup of coffee and not doing anything to better the future of the coffee in the jar, then I'm an impurity and should be removed.

    Sigh.
     
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to tell you not to do it, because in the end it's your choice.
    I don't want you to go, I want you to think about what your doing.. at the age of 40 you can do so much more.. you may have another 40 years left in you and doesnt that show that life, oppertunities, experiences and happiness will continue? That there is so much more out there for you to see and do?

    40 is not to late. It is not to late to start a life for yourself.

    Good luck and Take care,
    Ally _%
     
  3. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    I had a few setbacks in my early life, which sucks for someone who has a lot of ambition. I blame that on my parents. I put in lots and lots to "catch up" for many years and mostly did so quite well. When the standard credit load for a full-time student in university was 12-18 credits, I begged for and got permission to do 21 and 22 credits. And I succeeded in that, so was allowed it again. Similarly with multiple jobs after college. Always feeling like I had a lot of catching up to do, and sacrificing a lot of my social life to make time for this catching up.

    In the recent few years, I've had some more setbacks (which is now my fault), and although there is a chance that I can mostly recover in time, I have lost the fight in me. I can't find the strength anymore, and especially not the purpose in doing so. Life is not what I hoped it would be, nor what I worked for it to be, and I feel like it's time for a do-over.

    If re-incarnation does exist, then I get to reboot and start over with a clean slate. If not, then I'll be shut down here and won't miss anything. In my mind, death is neutral, or zero. My life is a significant negative, so the option of death still scores higher.
     
  4. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    you said "My life is a significant negative, so the option of death still scores higher." I dont see death as an option really, more as the end, thats it, no doovers....no second chances, no fixing things, all options do come with thier own consequences, I just hope that you can find the strength you need, and support here and close to home, lean on us as much as you need to, .....were here to help eachother....best thoughts for you......
     
  5. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    Jodi,

    I'm trying. I'm really really trying to hold on. But I hurt really really badly all day. :sad: After a cousin committed suicide some years ago :cry:, I later remembered that she had been emailing me for some weeks before with hints of questions such as "why are we here" and "what is the purpose of life", etc. I wish I had picked up on those signs as I would've done everything possible to stop her. :hug: I wished she had more directly said that she needed help. Now that I am in a similar situation and have experience from both sides, I have tried to tell a few people as directly as possible how I feel (except that I am suicidal), but I still haven't found or recived any help. People have their own lives to live and their own families to enjoy, so why would they bother with someone who is sad and takes away from the happiness of their daily lives?

    Actually, I was receiving help (emotional support) from one friend/relative, and I made the mistake of telling her that I wanted out of this life, but she seems to have retracted now. At first, she offered her support, but now it seems like I am begging for her support. She's a good person AFAIK, so I expect she's scared as she does not know what to do, and perhaps scared to be part of this situation if I really were to leave. She also asked me directly how she would feel if I really did leave, and I was bothered that she was more concerned about how she would feel rather than how I felt. Yet I know it is bad of me to put her in that situation.

    Now, I feel even worse that I don't have that support. All I can do is cry and try to fill my day with mindless activities. I should be preparing for my departure, but my lack of motivation is delaying that. I still hope some miracle will happen to make me come out of this, but if one hasn't happened in all my life, then why would it now? And professional help is out of the question for me at this point. I really really long for some compassion from a friend right now.

    Somehow, lately my mind is concerned more with preparation activities rather than resolving this, as I know that departure will stop the pain.

    -Yada
     
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