Hi,
Can't sleep again. Don't know why exactly I'm posting this here, but perhaps somewhere in my mind I am expecting someone to validate my feelings and decision. Though oddly, I know no one is going to say "yes, that is the right direction for you to take". Or perhaps writing here will make me feel a bit better. I have in the past felt a bit better by putting my thoughts on paper, but the improvements I've felt are fading so hoping I can get some relief here.
Apologies if I'm bugging you with this.
The bottom line is that I wake up every single morning, and realize that I don't belong anywhere ... that I am completely alone, that time is not on my side, and that if nothing I've tried in the past year has helped, then I can't see why anything else would at this point. I realize that I don't have a purpose for living, and have decided to leave, after I take care of certain things.
Since making this decision, I've become quite sad. Somewhat like waking up on the last day of a vacation and knowing that you'd be leaving all the friends/family behind. (Memories from the past, as that doesn't happen to me anymore). Yet, I know that it is my decision and know that this is what's best for me. In other ways, I do feel a sense of relief since I know I don't have to worry about planning for the future or doing anything long term. I've become somewhat happy-go-lucky, or more realistically, sad-go-lucky.
Sure, I expect that some of you will say don't do it, and no one will say it's the right decision, so again, I'm not sure what type of objective comments I'm expecting. And even if this were not a pro-life forum, I can't expect anyone to completely understand my situation. The short of it is that I have no family left, as I cut myself off from my family for my own sanity. I cannot deal with being told that everything I have done and still do is wrong, and that I've never done anything right in my life. I'm 40. And at this age, I'm still single and have no kids. Objectively, I am actually quite a good/decent person. I just don't fit in with my parents/family since they are not happy that I have not conformed to their ways, and they are more concerned with how they look in society rather that how I feel. I have good friends, but as expected, when holidays and other family times comes around, I get put on the back-burner. That's absolutely not their fault. Occassionally, I go to a friend's place for a holiday, but I usually feel out of place since I'm the non-family member in the group. These are the times that I most realize that I belong nowhere. And that is the key to my current state. That I belong nowhere, can't see how I can/would suddenly belong somewhere, and so don't have a purpose for being. It's not so much that I am not married, but that I really have no place to be, and don't feel wanted anywhere. I matter to no one. There are other reasons, which are very personal to me, so I won't post that here.
Now, whereas I do appreciate the good sentiments/wishes from those who will say that I am wanted here, I really need to feel wanted by people who physically and personally know who I am.
The only things that held me back from leaving is that I didn't want to affect others, but that should be easier now. Well, "should". I am still convincing myself to do what is best for me. As a very logical person, and a past project manager, that is the key to my decision ... it is logically the correct thing for me to do at this point. Most of you will not understand this, because we've been conditioned to think that doing this is wrong, and because humans/animals are innately designed to protect themselves from dying. But I have to look at this situation objectively from a bigger standpoint. I am but just one bean in the coffee jar. If I am no longer really contributing to the flavor of the final cup of coffee and not doing anything to better the future of the coffee in the jar, then I'm an impurity and should be removed.
Sigh.
Can't sleep again. Don't know why exactly I'm posting this here, but perhaps somewhere in my mind I am expecting someone to validate my feelings and decision. Though oddly, I know no one is going to say "yes, that is the right direction for you to take". Or perhaps writing here will make me feel a bit better. I have in the past felt a bit better by putting my thoughts on paper, but the improvements I've felt are fading so hoping I can get some relief here.
Apologies if I'm bugging you with this.
The bottom line is that I wake up every single morning, and realize that I don't belong anywhere ... that I am completely alone, that time is not on my side, and that if nothing I've tried in the past year has helped, then I can't see why anything else would at this point. I realize that I don't have a purpose for living, and have decided to leave, after I take care of certain things.
Since making this decision, I've become quite sad. Somewhat like waking up on the last day of a vacation and knowing that you'd be leaving all the friends/family behind. (Memories from the past, as that doesn't happen to me anymore). Yet, I know that it is my decision and know that this is what's best for me. In other ways, I do feel a sense of relief since I know I don't have to worry about planning for the future or doing anything long term. I've become somewhat happy-go-lucky, or more realistically, sad-go-lucky.
Sure, I expect that some of you will say don't do it, and no one will say it's the right decision, so again, I'm not sure what type of objective comments I'm expecting. And even if this were not a pro-life forum, I can't expect anyone to completely understand my situation. The short of it is that I have no family left, as I cut myself off from my family for my own sanity. I cannot deal with being told that everything I have done and still do is wrong, and that I've never done anything right in my life. I'm 40. And at this age, I'm still single and have no kids. Objectively, I am actually quite a good/decent person. I just don't fit in with my parents/family since they are not happy that I have not conformed to their ways, and they are more concerned with how they look in society rather that how I feel. I have good friends, but as expected, when holidays and other family times comes around, I get put on the back-burner. That's absolutely not their fault. Occassionally, I go to a friend's place for a holiday, but I usually feel out of place since I'm the non-family member in the group. These are the times that I most realize that I belong nowhere. And that is the key to my current state. That I belong nowhere, can't see how I can/would suddenly belong somewhere, and so don't have a purpose for being. It's not so much that I am not married, but that I really have no place to be, and don't feel wanted anywhere. I matter to no one. There are other reasons, which are very personal to me, so I won't post that here.
Now, whereas I do appreciate the good sentiments/wishes from those who will say that I am wanted here, I really need to feel wanted by people who physically and personally know who I am.
The only things that held me back from leaving is that I didn't want to affect others, but that should be easier now. Well, "should". I am still convincing myself to do what is best for me. As a very logical person, and a past project manager, that is the key to my decision ... it is logically the correct thing for me to do at this point. Most of you will not understand this, because we've been conditioned to think that doing this is wrong, and because humans/animals are innately designed to protect themselves from dying. But I have to look at this situation objectively from a bigger standpoint. I am but just one bean in the coffee jar. If I am no longer really contributing to the flavor of the final cup of coffee and not doing anything to better the future of the coffee in the jar, then I'm an impurity and should be removed.
Sigh.
