Another new face

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by ZachC, Aug 25, 2013.

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  1. ZachC

    ZachC New Member

    Found this site yesterday at about 3am my time. I'm not quite sure what to expect here but I'm giving it a chance I suppose. Being an introduction post I think it'd be best to start with an introduction to myself, I am Zach. Zach is, however just a name, so I guess I should define myself now? I don't fully understand myself, and I think it's impossible to fully understand ones self, much less another person... that is how I am choosing to ask you to please bear with me.

    My state of mind is one of intense apathy to everything. I used to care but now I can't be bothered. Apathy with a mixture of depression and the end result is a constant lack of the ability to connect with people. I feel like life is some horrible board game where the only way to win is to cheat and deal with the unending rules and obnoxious people and all the while I'm yelling at everyone "I don't want to play anymore, I NEVER wanted to play." And now I can't help but ask myself why I continue to play the game. I'm tired and I'd like to sleep. I can't help but feel like dying would be nothing but a short burst of intense euphoria followed by nothingness. I don't believe in any manner of God or afterlife and I believe death would be a lot like pre-life.

    I am no longer capable of love, that part of myself is already dead and I'm glad it's gone in all honesty. I'm am not the most intelligent person in the world and as such I will never be able to obtain some high paying job. So my life is what? I'm expected to live for the next 70 years or so making barely enough money to live and never having a connection with people? And they say suicide is selfish... Wouldn't it be more selfish to expect somebody to be willingly trapped doing something they hate just so the "loved ones" wouldn't be slightly inconvenienced?

    Well the surface of me has been scratched I suppose and so I'll stop ranting for now. I don't know what to expect here as I said earlier but I'm giving it a chance... I feel like I mostly just want to put down my feelings somewhere while I still have the chance too.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hey Zach, welcome to SF. This is a good place to start for support and understanding. Why do you feel apathetic about everything in your life? Why do you feel incapable of love now? What happened to make you feel this way? Just wondering because I'd like to try and help if I can.
  3. ZachC

    ZachC New Member

    Everything in life... everytime I try to talk about what caused my depression with anyone it turns into some sort of "well I've been through worse" game so I'm wary to get get into details but I'll spill out as much of it as I think anyone would be willing to read.

    It began, as it so often does, with the constant fighting of my parents. I remember being six years old and being asked to go outside and play, meanwhile shouts and screams would be heard from outside. My mother left my dad around that time and I moved to another town far away. I remember my dad beating me because I was "stupid". He'd write algebra problems on a sheet of paper and whip me with a belt when I couldnt solve them.. keep in mind I was five or six. The concept of a letter in a math problem was beyond me at the time.

    My mom started to get sick around the time I was in middle school. I cooked and cleaned for everyone in the house and took care of my moms every need. No matter what I did for her though I couldnt get her to like me, much less love me. Whenever my mom called on my sister she wouldnt come and it got to a point where she stopped bothering. I felt like I did everything but it was never enough. My mom got remarried by this point though. My step dad was always cold to me but very warm with my sister. Bought her gifts and such, meanwhile I got nothing and expected nothing. I'd come to find out later the gifts were to keep her silent about molestation, but I did not know that.. all I saw was a sister getting everything.

    Middle school was a horrible time for me. I usually made good grades... as I said I'm not the most intelligent mother fucker in the world but I made decent grades. Usually B's, occasional A, occasional C here and there. I was deeply depressed and has no way to express this to anyone and I was convinced nobody would really care, so most of my time was spend drawing pictures that tried to hint at my inner turmoil all the while I'm trying to hide it as well. I got to a point where I was planning on suicide every few weeks... needless to say I stopped caring about schoolwork. My grades in my middle school progress reports were D's and F's. I remember dreading that day to much, my mom would take it and wad it up and throw it at me. She'd yell at me during the entire ride home and my sister would roll her eyes "why do you do this EVERYTIME, he's stupid you know he can't do better. What did you expect?" etc... when we got home I'd cry and pray I didnt wake up. Nobody ever asked me how I always brought my grades up to C's and B's when progress reports came out... I dont think it ever occured to anybody that I was intentionally not doing the work sometimes.

    It was highschool that I made a good friend, my first REAL friend. With him came a whole group of people I became close with. There was one girl who caught my eye and as it turned out I caught hers as well. Before too long we found ourselves kissing and on a few rare occasions having sex in the schools bathroom... teenage love is the only love that thinks of a bathroom as an appropriate place to do such a thing. This went on for about a year before I got a call, she was pregnant. I was in shock and didnt know what to say but before I could say anything she said it wasnt mine. That is when she told me about how she was seeing somebody else... my friend from high school. I didnt care I just wanted to stay with her but she became so cold to me, she was trying to make me leave her... and I eventually did a few months later. I lost all my friends afterwards.. she would go on to tell some story that I was cold and abusive to her and you know how friends tend to have to pick a side when such things happen. I lost all my friends, my one REAL friend I really cared for, and the one person I had ever loved in my life.

    It was then that I made my first real attempt at suicide. I swallowed around 80 sleeping pills. I layed in my bed feeling very tired and I panicked and induced vomiting. I would later hear my ex bragging about how much I meant to her that she'd caused me to do that. I guess that's what I get for telling people about that moment of weakness. I told you I'm not the smartest person in the world.. I trusted somebody after all that.

    My moms condition got worse and worse... she eventually stopped taking her medication (a fact we wouldnt find out about until after it was too late). She was rushed to the hospital one morning when I noticed she had pooling blood in her mouth and was breathing rasply. She was put on life support and for the two weeks she was in the hospital she never regained consciousness. The decision was made to take her off life support and wait to see what would happen. She died the next day at 2:30pm. I remember the doctors told us not to rush to the hospital, that it was already over... they didnt want us to get in a wreck trying to rush to see her. My grandmother would go on to tell me that she stopped taking pills because she couldnt stand "How I treated her".

    I finished highschool a year after my sister. Her graduation gift was a car, braces, and about 1000 dollars in cash. For my graduation my family didnt show up until it was over (to pick me up) and I spent about 450 dollars buying myself glasses, so I was considerably short on money around that time of year.

    I lost my job shortly after. I had minor surgery on my foot but it was enough to make me not able to stand. The kind people of walmart decided to let me go instead of giving me a few days off (I was transfered to a new department apparently and therefor wouldnt qualify for medical time off for another three months).

    Since then I've been looking for work and not finding anything. For about five years now my life has been a constant spiral of getting high to feel happy, smoking and drinking, and just generally occupying space. I've given up on art, I've given up writing, I've given up on expressing myself in any way. At this point I just dont want to do life anymore... I dont trust anybody, I dont think people are worth liking, and I have no hopes of ever becoming anything in this life. I dont understand why I'm expected to live for another 60-70 years with no hopes of being rich, successful, or finding love. I have no motivation for any of that bullshit...

    I'm really tired. I'm so tired and I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I dont want to kill myself because I feel like life is so shitty either... I simply dont want to do it. I wish my dad wore condom or my mom had an abortion... I never asked for life and it's not fucking fair that I'm being burdened with it now.
  4. Abi

    Abi Member

    It sounds like your life has been excessively difficult. I understand. I've tried talking about my feelings to others and it just gets dismissed, because other people have it worse. I have trouble making connections too, if you need someone to listen and relate, I can. Either through a response on here or a pm...whatever makes you feel most comfortable.
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