Sigh..Where Do I Begin I've been depressed/suicidal for about 10 years on and off. But, for the last year i've really been down. I caught my dad two years ago having an affair and told my mother. She took it really hard and about a year after she committed suicide in July 2010. I can't help but to blame myself, I should of never told her. She would of still be here! On the night she passed, she called me repeatedly leaving 7 voicemails saying she was going to die, saying her will, etc. I usually never leave my phone on silent but that night I was so tired and wanted a good night sleep. If I hadn't put my phone on silent I could of saved her. I knew exactly where she was! The next morning I woke up she was gone. I blame my dad for her death because he was with her when she was taking her life, but he was so beyond drunk that he couldn't comprehend what was really happening. I also blame him cause he was the one that caused her depression by cheating on her and still disrespected her last day. My dad now is going through a lot. He gets drunk almost every day, calls me and cusses me out for any and every reason. Sometimes threatens to take his life. He's lost alot of weight and to me, is mentally gone. I hate him for what he's done to our family but I love him because he is my dad. I want to tell him EXACTLY how i feel about everything, but I'm afraid it'll be to much for him. It would bring me so much relief/peace! Now the holidays are coming up and I'm missing my mom tremendously! I'm more emotional and sensitive about everything. My friends are all getting married and having kids, I'm single not even a boyfriend! I'm almost 30 and (please dont judge) an adult entertainer. I started taking a couple college classes a couple months ago, but I have no idea what I want to do in life. A lot of my friends have been distant because they know i am depressed and dont want to be around me. I feel like i have no one! My mom is/was my best friend! I want to be with her..