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another night out, another fuck up

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Antiquitie's Friend
Oh well, been away for a week or two

went out to the works do tonight !

Sort of went ok, till it came to the bus home.

I'm me first, shirt lifter second...........

Why does no one else see this that way round,

apart from me.

pretty fucked up for a 40 year old closeted homosexual !!!!!

the love that dare not speak its name, thats me ?

deep joy, or a just a joke

you decide !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Antiquitie's Friend
Oh my head hurts, it was a free bar all night !!!

Got a stinking cold too, which doesn't help.

Why cant I just get on with my life ?

Ok, so I 40 and I'm gay, big deal .

Every one else suspects I'm gay any way.

At 40, never had a real "girlfriend" as such, its pretty obvious.

So why can I just get on with it.

Why am I trapped in time, frozen like "Buck Rogers", stuck in the 1980's with my entire life on hold, I know the answer and I know what I should do, but its like I'm parralised, like a rabbit trapped in the headlights of a car.

Ho humm, my head really does hurt, never again, till next time.


Staff Alumni
Hi there,

I'm glad that your evening went ok.. the free alcohol does sound like a bonus! Make sure you drink lots of water before going to sleep and also when you wake up.. it will help with the hangover ;)

I'm sorry though that the evening didn't end well and that you're struggling with your feelings. It seems you know on one level that being gay at the age of 40 (or any age) is ok. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it seems that your friends seem to know about your sexuality already. But on the other hand there is something stopping you from 'getting on with it'. Is it fear? What do you fear will happen if you 'come out'?

I hope you know that here at suicideforum we won't judge you.. please feel free to share how you're feeling, what your fears are, etc. and maybe we can work through it together? Also, do you see a counsellor? I'm wondering if it would help to see someone professional to talk through this..?

Jenny x


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Paul, are there any gay support groups in your area?
Maybe you would be able to 'come out' with some support.

Like you said you are you first, if you could learn to accept your sexuality and be comfortable with it no one else will bat an eyelid.


Antiquitie's Friend
Re: another night out, another F*** U*

Sorry about the swearing guys, and gals

I was a little worse for wear !!!

Dev there are support groups in lincoln which is only a few miles up the road, but can't see that really working out for me.

I can just picture it now, a room full of hormonal teenagers, all bent out of shape, because they find other boys willies more interesting than the xbox 360, with me sat in the corner as far as they are concerned pretty much the oldest human being still alive on the face of the planet, probably stinking of fags, booze and piss, looking like the one of the zombies, they had so much fun killing the week before on their xbox 360, just before they jiggy with it with their best mate, despite the fact that niether of them are gay, both have girlfriends, but cant wait to get there hands on each others private parts, every second of every day.

My dad says the male grumpy gene has kicked and he's right, more than he knows, more lately I wonder if anyone can help me, I cirtainly dont seem to be able to help myself, it not through a lack of understanding or knowledge of my own issues, I just seem to have lost that lust for for life I once had, may be it is god will, if you like, that I be single, lonely, unloved or just plain unloveable, may be that it the way it is supposed to be, may be I am supposed to just drift along not caring, not feeling, not doing any thing, just existing.

I grey person, living a grey life, in a grey house, in a grey town, on a grey planet, difting in a grey universe, never to be missed, mourned or remembered, just slowly fading into the grey background, like I have never really been here at all.

Ho hummm

Some one give me a slap for goodness sake !


Was a bit too honest with my 10 confessions, no one that knows me in the real world will ever get to see the feeling I have shared in this place, which is sad, but may be no one ever shares that much of themselves with any one in the real world.
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Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Paul you sound so depressed that I actually think you need to go see your GP and ask about anti-depressants. When everything looks and feels grey it's usually indicative of depression.
Get that sorted and the prostate prob you think you might have and we'll go from there.
As I've said before you can pm me anytime and my msn is in my profile.


Staff Alumni
Did you mention elsewhere that your still in love with a guy from 20 years ago? I think you need to find some closure on that relationship somehow...I agree with Dev, perhaps some one on one psych treatment focusing on closing that relationship would be worthwhile so you can move forward.


Antiquitie's Friend
That relationship is well and truely over, it has been for all this time, I should know I'm the one that closed that door.

The things you read about me here are the deepest darkest (sometimes) thoughts I have, things that I have gone over in my mind a thousand times.

I'm not saying no one can help me, apart from my be my self, but I've read all I can read, know all I can know about about who I am, yet still I'm here staring into the void, where my life should be.

I've asked all the questions, heard all the answers.

So what now, at my age, its hard to say, 20 years is a long time, im 20 years older and the guys I fancy are 10 to 20 years younger, may be I 'll get tired of that, but for now I'm just tired of every thing.

All the doctors, all the pills, all the talk in the world, can not change who I am, the decisions I have made and the way my life has turned out.

I'm the only one that can change that

Yet even though my life may depend on it, I don't seem able to bring myself to do that ????

Why not ? because may be I've lost that sense of who I really am and that doesn't really bother me that much any more
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