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Another night with a racing mind (Warning: may contain rambling)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Bigman2232, Oct 20, 2007.

  1. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    What's the point? Really what is the point of doing anything with no reason or idea of what will happen if you do it?

    I don't know what to do. I have nothing to look forward to and more importantly I'm becoming something that is not good for anyone.

    I'm starting to see that I'm dragging people down with me and that is the last thing I want to do. They have their lives and I can't always be bugging them because I'm so screwed up. I feel horrible and then I feel even worse that I feel horrible. I just don't seem to think like anyone else and I'm so tired of pretending.

    It just all seems to be falling apart and the future is getting even blacker than I saw it to be in the first place. I know I'm smart but I just feel like I'm getting dumber everyday. I can't think straight, I can't remember what I need to and I just automatically seem to challenge everything and become angry about it. I failed my exam by an amount I've never even came close to before and I just don't see anyway that I will ever get a good job with the marks I'm getting.
    I really feel like I have nothing that gives me happiness anymore. I go home and I can't wait to get away, but when I come to University and am finally away, I can't wait to go somewhere else. Somewhere where I don't feel so hopeless and empty. Things that I used to enjoy I don't. I don't feel anything but anger, sadness and hopeless.
    I'm just so tired of pretending.

    The one person that I care about will be leaving my life in 6 months and I really don't see myself making it much longer than that, if I make it that long. I really only have one reason why I'm still here and that's simply because I wouldn't want to hurt others (although I'm not even sure if they would actually care).

    What is the point of trying, when I'm going to end up being broke, alone and a failure to all those that were counting on me.
  2. powder_girl

    powder_girl Active Member

    Would it be awkward if I just took what you just wrote and pasted it into my own book because I feel something in it explains my situation just as well as if I had written it.

    The same incessant yo-yo of needs and wants and failures and blockages. The similiarity in only sure of being SURE and not sure of anything else but that- I'm sure that there's a point to my feeling this way, or a point to what is happening in my life or happened but I'm not sure what.

    Is the point of one thing to lead you to another, if so, then I think you're in transition my friend, like so many people. It just depends on where you're going and I think you can always take the lead but really I don't know what to say it's your life but I think the one or two things that make your life just that much more happier should be with you forever. Fight for that, and nothing else matters really.

    Rest assured that if you're worried about grades, like I am, then you'll have to face the fact, like I have, that grades mean absolutely diddly squat at this point in time when you aren't even able to concentrate on more than half a paragraph without thinking of something entirely different.

    So many points converge when you reach that stage where you seem detached from the normalcy of life. I think it's almost like being a little dust mote in someone's eye...you're just in it for the ride, after a moment or two you're blinked away or washed away and that's life.

    I suppose there's better things to do for people like us because we think of what normalcy is and compare ourselves to that when in fact we shouldn't- we've gone beyond that point...it's not normal and we can't be a part of that anymore...the idea is to create something else- a world of our own that may collide with normalcy or the "other's world"

    I'm sorry about your confidant...can you go with that person or follow them in any way? And I think the same thing about the people who surround me- what do they see that they'd keep coming back? Is it a conscience or some sort of inner child in them that makes them feel obligated to be around someone that's obviously not able to fit into the kind of box they would like to see him/her fit into?
    Because I know that what I think and feel is much more "out there" than my family and friends...which is why I can't believe I just read that, it's amazingly similiar I thought I was reading my own journal.

    "sweet sleep on the morning of departure retains the pedestrian from the road"
  3. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    Feel free to use anything I write, however you want. If it can help someone, that's at least one bonus.