Another one "Lookatmeimsolonely"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Volsam, Sep 17, 2014.

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  1. Volsam

    Volsam New Member

    Hi there guys! :)
    Another one here.. Born and raised in Russia, live in US now, male, 28, self-diagnosed borderline and schizoid personality disorder. Lonely, rejecting, idealistic, learning to be honest all the time. Suicidal thoughts lately have been pretty active. I usually write down different ways of killing myself but this time want to try forum.
    Found a lot of positive energy in buddhism practice and psychedelics. Play music and write poems sometimes. It seems that with evolution in our consciousness we are struggling more with creating authentic connection and I feel just like that.
    I can't be myself as I have no "self".. Its so fragmented and vague that I can't say much about my personality. Life in society hurts me as I can't truly relate to no one. I work with animals at an animal shelter, trying to avoid relationships as I feel inability to love and dont want to play games anymore. I read a lot, practice buddhism, take psychedelics.
    Tried getting professional help but where I live I can't afford it (unless if I lie again and pretend I have no job and bring fake papers), and it just saddened me more.
    My family (Mom and older brother) live abroad and well aware of my "moods".
    Any links or ideas are greatly appreciated!
  2. Bashik

    Bashik Member

    Buddhism has always intrigued me being that it is non-theistic. I myself am an atheist. If I may say, so, self-diagnosing can be a double-edged sword at times. On one end it is relieving to gain clear, medical insight (based on what you research) regarding what might be bothering you, but on another hand there is a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy that occurs when you starting putting faith in the symptoms. I do not mean to imply you are wrong about your diagnosis, as i diagnosed myself with social anxiety and depression before seeing my first mental health professional recently (who also diagnosed me with the same disorders). One thing about your mind is no one knows it better than you do.

    I also write poems. Most of my writing is short stories though. I do not think i have the attention span to write a novel. It is interesting, as much as my depression has hurt me; it has left me with a strong creative side. I can relate to the pain you feel, not being able to relate to others. I feel the same way. I think it is that lack of social bonding that has fueled my anxiety. Someone once told me though, that just as there is a romantic partner out there for everyone, there is a friend out there for everyone. I do not usually believe platitudes such as that, but i think there is some truth to that. Not so much in the this person was destined for you sort of way, but more so because regardless of how different you think you are, there is likely someone out there who is a lot like you. Finding them/them finding you, is the hard part.

    As for ideas/links, as bleak as this may sound, i have never once received good advice on how to deal with depression, and that is not for lack of trying on the part of those who did. It is a beast of a problem. My own advice is to keep up with the writing. Creative activity seems to be the best way to cope with inner turmoil. Sense of enlightenment + a product to show for your efforts

    Let me know if you ever want to talk
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Keep posting as you are among people who can support and care for you. Loneliness is horrible but you just need to live for each day. Simply do not over-think but focus on yoga and regular exercise to get over any feelings. It will put you in a happy mood and place.
  4. Volsam

    Volsam New Member

    Thank you guys!
    Bashik, thank you for being able to relate and to point out at the double-edge sword. We are what we think, right?..)
    Has taken a little too much serotonergic drugs yesterday and experienced a mild serotonin syndrome which scared and reminded me about my death.. It is the rational mind that wants to kill itself, deep inside it all I want to live regardless, as a form of life.
    Physical exercise and yoga are great! Being creative is even better but I still live in a society, buy groceries, pump gas etc..
    A friend of mine told me: "You have no soul! You have a body. And you are a soul!"
    And before Id take my life , Id definitely take a solid dmt trip, just to make sure that I'm not making a mistake.
    Thank you again for your replies!
  5. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi Volsam, Buddhism is holistic education on mastering the mind and heart. A person who practises Buddhist teachings according to the spirit of the historical recordings and the experiences of past and present established practitioners will find himself not only gaining greater mental clarity, but will also be able to cultivate unconditional love for all living beings.

    I hope you will not give up seeking professional help and also spiritual guidance from established Buddhist organisations. As this is a secular forum, it doesn't seem appropriate of me to post links of a religious nature here. I will recommend that you contact nearby Buddhist organisations and join their group activities. Since you love working with animals, maybe you can ask if there are activities which involve volunteering to care for animals. Feel free to pm me for links to useful Buddhist teachings.

    Take care.
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