Another one...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Ire, Mar 22, 2008.

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  1. Ire

    Ire Guest


    I'm here because I feel (very) lonely... was hoping to find people to talk to. Been getting way to close to ending it last night and tonight... something to get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. Don't really want to die, but living just...

    So... here's my little story...

    I went to RTC (Navy boot camp) on 10 july 2007. Started getting depressed after I graduated boot camp and went to "A" school (electronics technician) and when I got home on leave for christmas things just sort of fell apart.

    Started cutting myself on dec 26, on my calf, moved up to my thigh, then the other leg. By the 28th I had over 200 cuts on my arms and legs, and had gotten to the point where I had held one of my loaded one of my rifles (century arms AK clone) to my head and had my finger on the trigger.
    Couldn't do it, and sometimes I still regret that.
    On the 29th I talked to my mom and went to Denver health, ended up in the mental health part... I stayed there for about a month.

    Of course, I was still in the navy during all of this, so I had to go back to great lakes, IL. Which I was dreading.
    Anyways, flew back to IL, went to the VA hospital by the base, it was full so they sent me to Chicago lakeshore hospital.

    Spent one night on the third floor there. WORST night of my life.

    Got moved down to the 2nd floor. There were two other cutters there, but they were only there for two more days. For the other month I was sitting there, most of the stuff was about substance abuse.

    Ended up getting even more depressed from my hospital stays... they put me on risperdal (2mg) and celexa (60mg)
    Sent me back to base, where I awaited a medical discharge for another month. My prescription ran out and the doctor on base didn't refill it, so I stopped taking the meds. They didn't seem to help anyways. This entire time I was cutting myself with a razor blade taken from a mach 3.

    Finally got my seperation, now I am back home, looking for a job (have an interview with a guy for managing a web site tommorow...) but I really have just been feeling... dead. Still cutting myself off and on. Getting drunk when I can. My only friend has been bugging the hell out of me... he just seems so... detached. I don't know how much longer we'll hang out.

    So here I am... finding myself sitting up late at night, going on random walks, listening to my depressing songs playlist on my zune... and feeling like I am getting closer and closer to killing myself with each passing day.

    That's my story. I don't want to die, but it just gets so hard... and this sick feeling in my stomach, feeling so lonely, so meaningless, so worthless... And the horrors of this world drive themselves into my brain every day, without mercy. How do you find relief when the thing that makes you depressed is the world itself?
  2. Only1?

    Only1? Active Member

    My husband used to feel like that, and I did to a point, but then I thought it makes absolutely no difference how I feel about the shit that goes on around the world, no one else gives a shit if I am in tears over the horrors you see/hear/read about. The only thing I could think of was to stop worrying about the bigger picture and do something small, closer to home.

    I have always loved voluntary work, it makes a difference to someone who needs help. Why dont you think hard about who might benefit from a little help near you, and then get in touch with a voluntary organisation and see if it helps you like it did for me.

    I hope you feel better soon, pm if you ever need to talk.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey ire,
    welcome. do you have any other supports, in real life, like a social worker or therapist or doctor who knows what's going on? i read on your blog that you are ready to try again... please don't. the chat room is usually busy and a good distraction. i also noticed that you are drinking alot to numb out the pain... but drinking can make you more depressed and harder to resist the temptation to cut. do you know about this place? -- they specialize in treating self-harm. they have a 1-800 number... worth a call?

  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum Ire. You will meet many new people here willing to offer you support.
  5. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum
  6. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Ire :hug:
  7. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    Welcome to the forums hun, It is good to have you.

  8. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF!!!! :hug:
  9. Forsaken Heretic

    Forsaken Heretic Well-Known Member

    Yo, Ire. Welcome to SF, if you need anything feel free to PM me, my box is always open. Take care of yourself, and I hope things get better for you.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum Ire :hug:
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