Hello. I'm here because I feel (very) lonely... was hoping to find people to talk to. Been getting way to close to ending it last night and tonight... something to get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. Don't really want to die, but living just... So... here's my little story... I went to RTC (Navy boot camp) on 10 july 2007. Started getting depressed after I graduated boot camp and went to "A" school (electronics technician) and when I got home on leave for christmas things just sort of fell apart. Started cutting myself on dec 26, on my calf, moved up to my thigh, then the other leg. By the 28th I had over 200 cuts on my arms and legs, and had gotten to the point where I had held one of my loaded one of my rifles (century arms AK clone) to my head and had my finger on the trigger. Couldn't do it, and sometimes I still regret that. On the 29th I talked to my mom and went to Denver health, ended up in the mental health part... I stayed there for about a month. Of course, I was still in the navy during all of this, so I had to go back to great lakes, IL. Which I was dreading. Anyways, flew back to IL, went to the VA hospital by the base, it was full so they sent me to Chicago lakeshore hospital. Spent one night on the third floor there. WORST night of my life. Got moved down to the 2nd floor. There were two other cutters there, but they were only there for two more days. For the other month I was sitting there, most of the stuff was about substance abuse. Ended up getting even more depressed from my hospital stays... they put me on risperdal (2mg) and celexa (60mg) Sent me back to base, where I awaited a medical discharge for another month. My prescription ran out and the doctor on base didn't refill it, so I stopped taking the meds. They didn't seem to help anyways. This entire time I was cutting myself with a razor blade taken from a mach 3. Finally got my seperation, now I am back home, looking for a job (have an interview with a guy for managing a web site tommorow...) but I really have just been feeling... dead. Still cutting myself off and on. Getting drunk when I can. My only friend has been bugging the hell out of me... he just seems so... detached. I don't know how much longer we'll hang out. So here I am... finding myself sitting up late at night, going on random walks, listening to my depressing songs playlist on my zune... and feeling like I am getting closer and closer to killing myself with each passing day. That's my story. I don't want to die, but it just gets so hard... and this sick feeling in my stomach, feeling so lonely, so meaningless, so worthless... And the horrors of this world drive themselves into my brain every day, without mercy. How do you find relief when the thing that makes you depressed is the world itself?