Another post I'll regret in 30 seconds

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Syn, Nov 6, 2012.

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  1. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Why the fuck can't I do this? Don't just tell me addiction is hard, I know that all too well already. I just wish I could walk away, but I guess I just don't learn do I? I've been fighting this for months, but I just want to smoke cigarettes until my lungs turn to blackened ash. I wanna get high until the chemicals stop my heart from these painful convusions we call a heartbeat. I knew quiting wouldn't be easy, but I have to do this, I don't een know why i'm quiting, but I feel like I have to quit, or I'm just going to fall again. But maybe I want to fall back into my self-destructive urges. Maybe I'll let the addiction win this one and see just how long it takes to find myself dead. too bad I'm not 21 yet, if I make it to 21 I'll be able to buy alcohol and I'll never be fucking sober again. I'll either have drugs, or alcohol to hold me over until I can get more drugs. I wouldn't mind that at all. I wouldn't mind falling asleep in alleyways high out of my mind, and drunk as fuck every night for the rest of my life, its not like I haven't done that a thousand times before anyways.

    I don't want sympathy, I don't want anyone saying they know I'll quit because I just fucking can't. I can't do any of this anymore, I just want to run away from everything and get religiously shit-faced. I guess I just don't get why I should even bother to try to fix myself anymore.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Do not try to do it on your own. If you are under 26 and your parents have insurance you are still covered - if not at 20 years old you can get medicare if you are unemployed. In either case tomorrow morning call 211 - it is social services hotline - tell them you need help get into a rehab program. It will likely be a wait of a month or 2 but but get on the list. While waiting for actual rehab attend the community mental health programs that the social worker will be able to put you in touch with or refer you to - if it has good results you will have no need to go to rehab at all.

    Why should you bother? Because you say you do not care but at the same time obviously are not happy with life or yourself. You do care evidently. You may or may not actively pursue and advocate for yourself to get these things done but aside from the very direct method above any phone book or google search of the area will lists 10's of help and addiction assistance programs. I do not know to be honest if you care enough to bother to try - but it will be a choice , not because there is nothing available to help you.

    I wish nothing but the best for you and my PM box is open if you ever would like to talk or actively seek assistance.

    Be Safe

  3. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Just about your opening title, sorry, but regrets are not such a bad thing. Sure, they could seem silly after you post them, minutes, hours or days afterwards, but it is the present time, that you write about such things which is all that matters, so do not beat yourself up over anything you post; everyone on SF understands and has done the same thing at one point or another in their time here and, the best thing about the site is that you know with absolute certainty that no one is going to judge you for anything you might say or do, because in a nut shell, we have all had that experience in some form or another and know exactly what it is like.
    So feel free to blow off some of your steam any time you like and about anything (as long as it follows the SF guidelines and is not target at another member of the site in a malicious way). And you are most certainly free to read some of my own posts where I have literally exploded or bust out in uncontrolled emotions. You are not alone and I for one, actually find it a little therapeutic to post things of this nature from time to time. It lets you be reminded that you are as human as everyone else and not something to be shamed of.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just wanted to let you know that I am here if you need someone to talk about this with. I have experience with substance abuse.
  5. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I've been where you are, and sometimes I still go back to drugs and alcohol, it makes me feel better and hell, I just plain like it.
    In Canada you only have to be 19 to buy alcohol so once my birthday hit I went nuts with booze. But even before that, ever since I was 12 I have been self-medicating with drugs. It's not the best way to live, but it's what I chose. I still very rarely go a week without drugs/alcohol, but I feel no desire to quit. In order for kicking a habit to really work, you have to want it or you'll just end up relapsing.
    All I can really say is be careful what you do, don't take it overboard (I've OD'd, I think it's six times now?) and when/if you get sick of the lifestyle help is always just a phone call away, you always have options.
  6. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Don't feel bad about not being able to quit, that is the very nature of addiction isn't it? You can't do it alone, you need to get into a rehab center. I don't know what they are like where you live but I went to rehab and it helped a great deal, before that I was drinking like a sponge. Extremely few people are able to quit by themselves, get yourself to a place where you can't drink and where you are taken care of. It's a long road and takes time and usually many many tries so don't panic if it doesn't work out.

    Just remember that when you are using you can't trust your judgement. Get yourself to a better environment and let people help.
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