Why the fuck can't I do this? Don't just tell me addiction is hard, I know that all too well already. I just wish I could walk away, but I guess I just don't learn do I? I've been fighting this for months, but I just want to smoke cigarettes until my lungs turn to blackened ash. I wanna get high until the chemicals stop my heart from these painful convusions we call a heartbeat. I knew quiting wouldn't be easy, but I have to do this, I don't een know why i'm quiting, but I feel like I have to quit, or I'm just going to fall again. But maybe I want to fall back into my self-destructive urges. Maybe I'll let the addiction win this one and see just how long it takes to find myself dead. too bad I'm not 21 yet, if I make it to 21 I'll be able to buy alcohol and I'll never be fucking sober again. I'll either have drugs, or alcohol to hold me over until I can get more drugs. I wouldn't mind that at all. I wouldn't mind falling asleep in alleyways high out of my mind, and drunk as fuck every night for the rest of my life, its not like I haven't done that a thousand times before anyways. I don't want sympathy, I don't want anyone saying they know I'll quit because I just fucking can't. I can't do any of this anymore, I just want to run away from everything and get religiously shit-faced. I guess I just don't get why I should even bother to try to fix myself anymore.