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Another Post, Sorry

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#1
Alright.

I've done a lot of thinking. A lot of negative thinking.

I'm struggling to see how to fit into my life. And all this time I've seen myself as the problem (and I agree, to an extent, it is me) but what about where I am? I don't feel like I belong in any of this.

My family is focused around my sister, rightfully. Once she moves to uni and can be okay on her own two feet, she should be okay without me.

Friends don't particularly want and/or need me.

The only thing holding me is my degree. So...

Is it right to just run?

The way its formed in my head, I work my way through second year. Do a year abroad, get a feel for living in a different country. Do my final year back here, and then after, I move. I'm talking a different country. Use the meantime to build myself up, start to distance from people, become okay on my own.

A huge part of me wants to cut off my old life completely. Cut off all the people, and cut off all my past. Just start as someone else. This part feels a little more uncertain but I know I'll never be able to move forward whilst revisiting old issues and that means cutting people. That will be hard, it already makes me sad. But it feels necessary, and it feels like I've got a chance that way.

Once I move, I could start with further study, or just find a job.

I'd save up through uni for the next couple of years, set aside some of my loan each term (I'm lucky enough to get the full amount).

Everything in me just screams to get out of here.

I am very aware that's the most selfish thought I've had. I'm very aware I'm going to hurt a lot of people. But at the moment, I'm just creating so much pain for people anyway. I've upset 3 people in the past 24 hours. And I don't see where I fit with any of them. Except Ali. Maybe a better option is staying in touch with just close family... talking to them every now and again but having the distance of living away from them.

I want to know whether I'm off my face or not. I don't know. I'm clinging to any sort of possible hope of making it through this. The other half of my says just to kill myself and not bother fighting through another three years. But I'm scared of failing, and I'm scared of losing what I have, too. That sounds ridiculous because I don't know what I have that's worth staying for. But I'm scared of losing it.

Stupid idea? Good idea? Another idea? I don't know. I want a way forward and at the moment I'm struggling to see one with the person I am and the place I'm in.

I'm just in a really, really bad place at the minute. I already feel cut off from friends, I've lost a couple and others are upset, my dad's prepping for release, my break up hurt and man, I just don't want to keep going where I am. I cry too much and I'm sick of being this.
 

WildCherry

Owner Emeritus
#2
It's definitely a possibility. When you're at the point of considering ending your life, it's time to make some changes, and sometimes that does mean walking away from your current life and starting over. I don't know what the relationships are like between you and your family. But unless they're really toxic, I wouldn't recommend dropping contact with them completely. There's nothing wrong with working to start over but still letting them know you're OK. It's worth giving some serious consideration.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#3
I believe you are doing exactly what is good for you. You are evaluating plans for your future. Everyone is where they are supposed to be in life. We are constantly going over our opportunities and distractions sorting them out and improving ourselves. We are growing in knowledge and wisdom. Listen to the input of your heart as well as your intellect. If you make a mistake, it is OK, it is correctable. In the end your will win the game. Love and God Bless.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#4
It's definitely a possibility. When you're at the point of considering ending your life, it's time to make some changes, and sometimes that does mean walking away from your current life and starting over. I don't know what the relationships are like between you and your family. But unless they're really toxic, I wouldn't recommend dropping contact with them completely. There's nothing wrong with working to start over but still letting them know you're OK. It's worth giving some serious consideration.
You're right... Ive been thinking and I don't think just cutting my problems is gonna make them any better, it'll just repeat. Moving would definitely be great for me, but cutting ties, I don't think it would.

I believe you are doing exactly what is good for you. You are evaluating plans for your future. Everyone is where they are supposed to be in life. We are constantly going over our opportunities and distractions sorting them out and improving ourselves. We are growing in knowledge and wisdom. Listen to the input of your heart as well as your intellect. If you make a mistake, it is OK, it is correctable. In the end your will win the game. Love and God Bless.
Thank you, I really appreciate all the support.

You know, this idea gave me enough hope to kinda think about things a bit more logically. I definitely think living in a different country would be great. But I don't think I should be using it as a means to run away, more a means to change.

I need to take some responsibility over my life. Stop letting these things happen. I suddenly have such a feeling of being anle to change something. I think the thought has triggered a snowball of having that control. Having that as an option if things are too much. But I've got 3 years, I need to try and make something work.

I'm gonna keep my day full, make sure I'm eating right, exercising, working. Saving money. I'm gonna distance from a couple people I really shouldn't be talking to anymore, but also learn to be okay as I am. Stop relying on people to feel okay.

I feel a lot more in control of my life right now. God knows why. Christ, my mood changes so quickly. Just gonna make the most of it, and have a plan in the future for a new life, but not necessarily run away from my old one.

Thanks for the support!

Sending hugs

Em
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#7
I don't see why you shouldn't do all those things @EmB , sounds like a great idea to me. It happened to me without planning when my husband's job relocated and we moved to another country. It was the best thing that could have happened to me because I left toxic in-laws behind and distanced myself from my mother who was passive aggressive and needy but I had two small kids to look after first. If you have toxic people, they are like poison - you don't keep drinking it because it's the grown up thing to do. A new place is a new start and new possibilities. Even if it doesn't work out it's something you have experienced and did for yourself. It doesn't have to mean going back to square one either, you can try other things. For now, it's a goal and something to work towards. I say go for it! *hug
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
#8
I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with starting again elsewhere. Sometimes it’s exactly what we need as humans :) it’s sometimes the best thing we can do. I’m gonna say that cutting your immediate family off would probably not be the best thing, unless they’re the ones causing these issues, staying in touch and just keeping them up to date would be good for them and for you. New beginnings are great! I’d love to have the balls to do that. But I love my family too much. I think maybe if my grandparents weren’t still alive I’d probably do just that, as my partner is desperate to move away from this shite hole, but I’m too scared too, coz I’m a wimp lol but if you have nothing keeping your where you are and you think that’s exactly what you need.... Go for it! You’re an amazing person and you’ll thrive knowing you did something for you :)

don’t give up on relationships, but maybe stop looking :) once you stop looking and focus on yourself first, it’ll find you :) xx
 

Sunspots

★☆ Braced for impact ☆★
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#10
You know Em, you only get one life. You've got to do what's best for you and the people who love you will accept that. After what you've been through I totally get why you'd want a fresh start somewhere different. I wish I'd done something like that when I was young, before I got bogged down with life's responsibilities.

You're young, kind, bubbly and far far stronger than you give yourself credit for. You deserve to be happy and I truly believe that if you put yourself first for once it will be possible. Get out there and grab yourself the life that you want. Just remember to send the people you love the occasional postcard.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#11
You know Em, you only get one life. You've got to do what's best for you and the people who love you will accept that. After what you've been through I totally get why you'd want a fresh start somewhere different. I wish I'd done something like that when I was young, before I got bogged down with life's responsibilities.

You're young, kind, bubbly and far far stronger than you give yourself credit for. You deserve to be happy and I truly believe that if you put yourself first for once it will be possible. Get out there and grab yourself the life that you want. Just remember to send the people you love the occasional postcard.
Thank you so much, Lu - absolutely yes! I will :)

Sending hugs

Em
 

alixer

We are all one
SF Supporter
#12
I moved to another country and it was the best thing I ever did. If you’re running to get away from your problems, they’ll probably follow you. If you’re leaving to do something you really want to do, something big you don’t think you’ll be happy if you don’t do at some point, in some way, then you might not regret it. The point is, be sure you’re doing it for the right reason.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#13
I moved to another country and it was the best thing I ever did. If you’re running to get away from your problems, they’ll probably follow you. If you’re leaving to do something you really want to do, something big you don’t think you’ll be happy if you don’t do at some point, in some way, then you might not regret it. The point is, be sure you’re doing it for the right reason.
This is great advice - thank you! I really appreciate it :)

Sending hugs

Em
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#14
I do “what I want,” (with some ‘rare’ exceptions! ;) i. e. The authorities!)) “when I want!” & while it can be argued that this is precisely “what got me here!” : ) I’ll gladly take - THIS! Over THAT! ;) ... In short: my way (over the ~proverbial) highway 🛣 ( : _ !
;^) peace ✌️
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#15
I do “what I want,” (with some ‘rare’ exceptions! ;) i. e. The authorities!)) “when I want!” & while it can be argued that this is precisely “what got me here!” : ) I’ll gladly take - THIS! Over THAT! ;) ... In short: my way (over the ~proverbial) highway 🛣 ( : _ !
;^) peace ✌️
Absolutely! :D

Sending hugs

Em
 

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